paris tips

hmm so there's a few things i noticed when in paris that conventional FAQ sites din mention (i should know cos i read up b4 i went). some points to take note of:

1. somehow the french dun like to use english (even if they know it), so to prevent wasting too much time asking abt stuff, just practice a few common phrases in french b4 gg over (toilet, food, hotel, etc) and even so, it is best to just point to a written french phrase on a notebook of yours (bring one)

2. even ordering mcdonald's a chore, and they dun have menus on the counter nor numbers u can use (a la auntie style) to order ur fave extra value meals so either u do the notebook thing again or u utilise a laser pointer to 'red dot' the item u want on the menu near the ceiling (no ur fat finger doesn't work as well; u might as well be pointing at a dozen items)

3. the subway system's odd in that the doors dun open automatically when the train stops at the station. u either press a green button or lift a handle to make a door at ur specific carriage open. presumably to save on the heating ba. but most SGians would likely overshoot their station on their 1st attempt at the subway due to this oversight. heh. yeah nearly fell victim to it too. 

4. pickpockets! there's like umpteen notices at tourist attractions highlighting the fact, and one would do well to take precautions. better safe than sorry. i put both my HP and wallet in my front jeans pockets and my hands were perpetually stuck in my pants (nope no hanky panky) to ensure no one got the better of me. 

5. and yeah. the temperature. on the 1st day it was a nice 12deg. towards the end it was gg past the zero point scale. and i think it was one of the few times i had to utilise a beanie and a shawl cos i was practically freezing. and i thought switzerland was bad. hmm but it's mostly due to the wind ba. always felt 0deg w/o wind was roughly equivalent to10deg with wind.  

6. the food. numerical value's similar to that of SG. which means everything costs twice as much. and no, the portion's not like that of the US. infact i think it may even be slightly smaller. make-a-sandwich's an economical option if one does not have access to a stove to make pizza or pasta. 

hmm will add to this list as the memories come back. too long le. tsk to procrastination.

results unveiled

i initially wanted to check my results until after i came back from paris, but i guess the temptation to do so was just too huge. what with the laptop screen staring at me every night and the wireless (which is yup, sporadic) connecting me to the wonderful world of the Internet. and i kinda got sick of speculating in my mind the grades i got for each module every day after the results were released. so i checked.

CM2101 B+
GEM2900 S (B-)
PC2132 C
PC3193 B
PC3242 A-
SC2205 A

ok i was slightly disappointed for CM2101; guess the CA test grade really did pull down my overall grade; infact i was still worrying abt it on the way home after the final exam haha. GEM2900.. can't complain - i din put in much (even that's an overstatement) effort at all and i was just hoping for a C and above so i could S/U the dumb module.

PC2132. sigh, i think i'm resigned to getting horrible grades for theoretical physics modules. i was near the 20th percentile for the 2 CAs which was worth a total of 30%. so i believe my finals was a slight improvement. a scant consolation, though. PC3242 was a pleasant surprise; was always at the midpoint of the testresults table so was just hoping for a B+. but i guess it was coming, esp since i was the only one amongst my friends who found the paper quite easy (obviously i tried to fake that i found it horribly hard too hahaha).

ahem and i shall try to play down the excitement i felt when i saw my SC2205 grade. once, twice, thrice i checked. it was still a damn A. i rmbr the time i got an A for my EC1301 i was actually quite disappointed cos i was expecting an A+. but let's not get into that. can only say that what i experienced was pure, unadulterated joy, the likes of which i haven't seen in a long while. nor my parents from the looks they gave me haha. i don't get surprised easily, after all. this was really a pleasant one.

yes dilys, luck really did play a big factor this time round. guess it was due since it's gone against me more times than not the past few sems. mebbe u, jack and I can take another module next sem. judging from the A- i got for ForenSci and the simple rule of progression i should get an A+ for it hahaha. and i'm looking forward to our grad trip! wheee.

3.8 this sem isn't a bad CAP for a slack jack (no jack, i was referring to myself). and i have a good feeling about next sem; it should be a relatively relexing one. 3 physics mods to clear my major requirements. and that's all - been taking 6mods/sem for the past 2 that's why. may take another arts breadth for fun if i manage to find some cute girl to take it with me. hahaha. okies gg for my last dinner in paris now!

cold morning

ok i haven't been blogging everyday as i had hoped to. sporadic internet access from my hotel room and exhaustion after long days out sure saw to that. but let's leave those earlier posts for later. last day here; flying back tml early morn and should be reaching SG 28th morn. no plans for today; should be shopping till evening then nua-ing (yayy) all the way before an early night.

meals in paris, esp breakfast, would definitely be a big issue with me should i stay here for long. a set meal here (appetiser, pasta/pizza and dessert) costs about.. S$40? and its not the posh restaurant kind, more towards a cosy cafe one. i like eating whilst walking ard and being able to buy anything that catches my fancy w/o much consideration, but the exorbitant prices here prevent my doing so.

not that you can't get a decent meal at a decent price tho. one can check out the turkish restaurants which sell large sandwiches with meat (recall the vertically mounted meat skewers at NUS bazaars); the portions are humongous, the fries (carbos!) aplenty and it only costs ard S$15. alternatively if u're really on a shoestring budget, you can get veggies, ham and french loaves - make ur own sandwich!

today morning i went down from the hotel rm earlier than my parents, to take a 5 min walk to the nearby Mcdonald's to get my S$2 sausage mcmuffin to supplement the croissant and little bun with tea they serve at breakfast. i really can't take a total carbo-breakfast - need my meat and eggs!

deciding i din need a jacket for a short walk, i left the hotel in t-shirt & jeans. passerbys who were docked out in thick jackets, shawls and beanies stared at me, aghast. not that i wasn't (aghast) too, but it was at the temperature. around 3deg i figured. the day before it felt fine and it was ard 10deg. cold morning. haha. i also dunno what i'm writing le. sleepy.

post exams (2)

aha this entry is so very overdue. my new xbox360 and 32in LCD tv kinda made sure i did nothing else but play games if i were at home. but better late than never right.

hmm let's do a quick breakdown of the modules i did this sem. then a short mention abt them in general and any miscelleneous comments. want to get over this and on to other more interesting (at least to me) blog topics. haha.

CM2101 Principles of Spectroscopy: my 4th chemistry module and the last one required to clear the requirements for my 2nd teaching subject. it's like how basic la. if only L2000 physics mods were like that. really. i'm already trying to be objective. but the time i need to spend on it is really far less. also the module which i was the most conscientious for; reading the notes b4hand, doing tutorials and using the textbook for reference if required. thanks lalaa for ur wonderful lab rpts and taking the initiative to pass me the TB and ur notes from the prev sem w/o me even thinking to ask.

GEM2900 Understanding Uncertainty: this is most probably the lightest module in the whole of NUS. there are times when the lecturer only covers 4 slides per lecture cos he's spouting irrelevant stuff and trust me, those few slides are quite trivial. the total number of slides he went thru numbered only ard 200 (i printed 8 per page a few days b4 the exam so i rmbr) and the textbook can be finished in a day. not much of a leap from A Maths in sec sch. cheat sheet allowed too. the only catch is that everyone does well so it's hard to score. but a sure (almost) way to get a pass should u wish to use a S/U to clear a Sci/Arts GEM. yes, it fulfils both.

PC2132 Classical Mechanics: even though this is disputably the simplest of the L2000 theoretical physics modules, nevertheless it was still a nightmare. i easily spent more time and effort on it than the 2 modules above and yet had the least confidence in it. of course it helps that there are NO notes (for some sick reason physics profs prefer to write on the whiteboard and let us copy from it) and his scanned handwritten notes are close to illegible. the only module where i referred to 3 textbooks for different chapters. well, at least i got to do it alone with the very attractive ivana. ahhaha. cos we both were lagging behind our coursemates in taking physics mods. due to me trying to clear my CS2 for chemistry and her trying to switch course.

PC3242 Physics of Semiconductor Processing: essentially an engineering module, geared more towards applied physics. nice, colourful slides and the lecturer effectively got his material from one textbook. so no ambiguity. i like. it was alot of formulae and derivation, but somehow we only had to use the final formulae and substitute values intelligently to answer most of the test and exam questions. not much need for vivid understanding of the underlying principles. i din really mind cos it gave me more time to focus on my other mods.

PC3193 Experimental Physics 2: an open lab module where u had to finish up 6 experiments and the corresponding lab reports, prepare for the respective VIVAs, and do up a presentation near the examination period on an allocated experiment. some of my very diligent coursemates finished the former 2 tasks by recess week. very diligent, indeed. but i found it really fun cos it gave us all physics yr3 majors a chance to gather together, (amidst different module specialisations) chat abt random stuff and generally have lots of raucous fun in a comfortable setting.

SC2205 Sociology of Family: nuff said abt it alr, regarding the academic part. really enjoyed gg to lectures with jack, dilys and shiyun. 3 of my top 5 old (sorry la must differentiate mah) flaggers! haha. the content was interesting and abt stuff i would have loved to read up on myself during my free time. i wonder how i would have ended up had i chosen to major in arts. but then again, i really want to teach physics and chemistry, so that left me little choice. mebbe in another lifetime, i guess. every single choice involves an opportunity cost.

okie i'm done! like finally. and to think i finished this entry in paris. i should be holidaying u say, but since my family doesn't stay out late and i dun sleep late either, that leaves me 3-4 hrs for photo editing/uploading, blogging, PSPing (i just brought it along for fun) and reading. thanks zhu for the beautiful 'essays in love'. no worries, i imbued it with double protection and shall also refrain from reading the errr bookmark. haha. the most appropriate setting to peruse it would be the here and now. will try to finish and return to u soon!

post-exams (1)

i figured tt my blog'd be kinda stagnant if this entry wasn't penned soon. blogging just doesn't seem so much of a priority anymore when u're either out or doing stuff u like, but i see it as impt, a way of preserving memories of sorts. so yup. my very 1st post-exam post. 

 

this being my 1st sem staying away from hall after 2 yrs, it seemed pple felt i'd suffer from hall withdrawal symptoms. no such thing lor haha. wasn't exactly active during my 2nd yr and the 3 mths vacation stay in which i stayed at home or hall interchangeably was a gd transition stage. since i see the flaggers due to random events (KFC, MFM, jas' 21st, etc), and make it a point to meet hall pple who matter on a regular basis, it didn't make much of a difference where i stayed. 

studies-wise.. hmm, i wouldn't say i'm more hardworking. spent quite a bit of time on my usual swim and tennis sessions, meeting up with old friends for late-night suppers. throw in the 500 odd issues of taiwanese comics and close to 800 issues of manga (Kenichi, Bleach, Eyeshield21, Naruto, Reborn) as well as 8 novels. not to mention the drama serial watching w family and 2 seasons of anime (25eps each) for Code Geass. oh. and i haven't talked abt the hundreds of hrs i spent on my PSP and PS2 for Disgaea, HSG, WE or RE5. omg. 

if i do better than 3.5 this sem, i'll really begin to wonder what pple with sub-3.5 grades do with their free time la. hell, not like i dun msn, surf the net aimlessly or go out on weekends. ohwells, since i decided not to go on to honours year my grade doesn't matter that much anymores. just don't get grades that reflect horribly on my transcript can already. 

aircon!

after much agonising over the weather lately, as well as impulsively leaving for central lib at random times (11pm once haha) from home (mum: so late alr want to go where!), i have finally decided to get myself an air-conditioner for the sake of.. myself. haha. 

the colour scheme doesn't really fit in with my room decor, and it blocks off quite a bit of sunlight to my table, but oh wells, i shouldn't be nitpicky. every single event and action involves its inherent costs and benefits.

Statistics (Gem2900) on tues and Classical Mech (PC2132) on wed. obviously it's the latter i'm more concerned abt. shall talk abt the statistics mod the next time. quite hilarious i thought. haha. ahh. hope all goes well for Wed!

the socio paper

i've been printing (note: not reading) the 2nd half readings of my Soci of Family module the past week. even though i've decided to S/U it, might as well make the grade secure enough to do so, i thought.  10/15% (overslept for one) for tutorial participation and a A for the 25% midterm doesn't justify a confirmed pass. and of course, i'd love to derive abit of satisfaction from doing more than required to pass. 

eve of SC paper:  haven't touched on the readings i printed yet. and my knowledge of the 1st half readings are as of during the midterms. ahh i'm so gg to suffer from focusing on my Physics mods! so i gave myself 2 choices for the next 24 hrs. 

1. focus on the 1st half - notes and readings. of course it'd be risky cos most of the exam material would likely be on the 2nd half. rmbr peilee once told me she managed to A a soci mod just by focusing on less than half of the material too. haha. 

2. just focus on the damn notes, get a good overview of the module in general and how all the chapters/ideas link up together, then memorise all main and sub pts. then utilising my common sense and general knowledge and command of english to smoke through the paper. 

i chose the latter.

so i went for the paper ardently hoping that the one compulsory qn and 2 out of 4 of the optional qns (4choose2) would NOT even refer to or ask me to analyse the ideas in ANY specific reading. cos i haven't even read most of them as u know.  

"Please turn over ur Qn paper and check that u have 2 printed pages" announced the lecturer. i complied reluctantly, albeit with a sense of anticipation. yessah! it was as i hoped. but the other 2 optional qns, as expected, could not even be attempted by the current me. who cares, though. haha. can do the ones that count can already. 

1st 2 qns were a breeze, doing outlines for ard 10 mins then finishing the essays in another 50. way before schedule. hmm 3rd qn - 2 instances where anticipatory socialisation are mentioned in the lectures; name them and describe the facets of family sociology they entail (or smth like that). 

i only rmbred 1. but oh wells, my 2nd one seemed quite a legitimate answer. and i've done quite well for the amount of effort i put in le. so i raised my hand just b4 the limit and left early. dun think i'd be able to improve on my answers even if i had dwelled in the exam hall for the next 15 mins anyways. one more paper down! 3 more to go. 

dead fish

my oldest friend. 

the one whose judgement i trust the most.

given he knows all abt most of my history and habits. 

and that we've shared all our joys and woes w/o restraint over the yrs.

he told me to drop the dead fish. 

changed man

after reaching home after jas' 21st, wormy dropped by to print some documents for his impending overseas trip. he's changed quite a bit since the breakup of 3 yrs. but i'd be surprised if he didn't. it really meant alot to him, and his considerable ego din allow for the fact that his gf no longer had any feelings for him. 

let's just say that guys handle breakups in different ways. a quick summary:

1. The guy initiated the breakup

a) Alpha-male - yeah! no more  residual obligations to anyone. so gg to find someone better as a keeper but 1st to have some fun with random pple in the meantime.

b) Average male - no pt continuing if there're no more feelings. time to move on and start knowing new pple. hope one of them is the one for me. it'll take time but eventually.

c) Loser male - yay i can finally spend time with my PSP and drama serials than occupy myself with such a complicated and troublesome entity. good riddance to bad rubbish. 

2. The girl initiated the breakup

a) Alpha-male - can't believe she dumped me. i doubt she'll ever find someone as good as me. so be it if she wants to be with that fat wuss friend of hers. but 1st to fornicate randomly to show that i'm the MAN. 

b) Average male - i'm sure a girl's decision is final but i'm still gg to do nice stuff so i can tell myself in the future i did my best. or maybe i should just move on. and wish her happiness.

c) Loser male - yay i can finally spend time with my PSP and drama serials than occupy myself with such a complicated and troublesome entity. good riddance to bad rubbish. 

haha ok it's not exactly true but it has an element of truth in it. and let's just say that i'm not gg to divulge all that transpired in this blog, ever. some stuff is too personal, and it wouldn't reflect well on all parties involved. 

unproductive sat

only reached home ard 4am after gg out the prev day on fri. haven't taken a nightrider for god knows how long. it's cheaper, no doubt, but it really takes a hell long time to reach home. and i've long since lost the ability to simply sleep on the bus. 

was thinking of napping till 6am, then working all the way till the b-day party where i'll be quite zombie-fied but so as to maximise study time. but then my trusty phone alarm screwed up again and i woke at abt 1pm. the look of dismay when i saw the time on the wall clock. priceless. 

due to certain events transpiring, met sokie outside the country club instead of gg tog by train or even mtg the flaggers in sch to go tog. then displayed my wonderful sense of direction by spending a good 20mins trying to find the place (in another building across the road which was supposedly a part of the country club too). haha. would have never reached had i not asked for directions. 

i figure i'm not a very sociable person. during parties and such i'm happy to just do the perfunctory catching-up conversations, then disappear into the backgrd and relax, and occasionally catching snippets of juicy info. happier still to find a person who seems content just to talk to me and doesn't flit ard like some social butterfly or behave like he/she would rather be somewhere else, with other pple, doing other stuff. i don't like the feeling of being dispensable. 

i can't complain abt today i guess. sitting with the very annoying (but endearing in a sense) xiaobai and my fave flagger Z (ha! i give u alphabet too!) who annoys me with her late sms replies. not to mention the diarrhoea-ing kenny and the always fun-loving gimsy. and the laugh-inducing comments abt the erm.. couple, kelthel. 

was gg to have a quick bowling session after the whole thing with sokie but then her parents were in the vicinity so settled on a few games at the arcade. then chatted all the way back on her parents' car. ha. i so need to study le la. 

quick post

a presentation at 3 later. 10% of the final grade for this purely experimental module, consisting of 6 lab reports, 6 vivas and a allocated presentation on one of the reports.

like i was telling the lab-in-charge whilst asking her abt info for the previous presentations on earlier timeslots, the difference btw a sublime and horrendous presentation would be like at most 4% of the total grade. which isn't much. the alphabet grade would have already been decided prior to one's presentation, we agreed.

i like physics labs. no need for lab coats, goggles or whatnot. i-net access, free printing and paper and a tranquil place to hang out in after tiring lessons. hell, there's even couches. of course it helps that there isn't much pple in physics in the 1st place, and one doesn't have much qualms simply ignoring 3/4 of the entire cohort (PRCs yup).

really enjoy peace, tranquility and the general sense of solitude. at least during sch term and esp during test/exam period. of course i enjoy the company of my dear fellow physics majors too. ha. you really have be around people, forced (same modules) or otherwise, long enough to know them well. and i should say i'm past caring abt how i portray myself when i'm ard them. they know too much abt me alr. my perpetual rubbish, slackness and general niceness (even towards certain nasty and annoying pple haha).

and hmm. long past thinking abt then alr. it wasn't like i didn't see it coming, albeit i din wish it to. but i always feel one should seek out their own happiness - why wallow in a state of discontent when u could move on to what u felt was better suited to you? i'm happy that u are. always been so. really. and if u understood me well enough u should know.

gg out with the glad fri evening and jas' 21st at sembawang (so far! sigh.) on sat evening. i'm gg to have to leave early myself i guess; the flaggers are likely cabbing back to hall tog and i want to go home. to study. ha. next sat's the 1st paper! hm or i could study overnight in school. see how la. but nowadays i'm keeping good hrs; sleeping at 1-2 and waking at 7-8. feeling good!

hot potato. drop it.

i was half-joking when i casually commented to wormy a mth back abt wanting to meet a girl who fulfilled the following criteria:

1. physically attractive

2. colourful and bubbly personality

3. talks alot. so i can sit back and revel in her beauty and words

4. appears to like me alot and does nice, sweet stuff randomly

5. takes ALOT of initiative

ok i do realise that i'm talking abt the ideal girl for like 99% of the male population if i recall the mindless banter i had with countless guys back in the army and now in uni. 

well the thing is that i actually met one soon thereafter. (xiaobai, zhu: yes, some girls just can't help but have bad taste. haha!) accompanied john one friday to his NTU social dance gathering in which everyone din really know each other. to act as a comfort zone lest he failed to connect and strike up a decent convo with anyone. or simply to help him out with timely prompts & comments to liven up his stories. 

so i met this girl, eve, on this occasion. 

pointedly keeping her attention on me during grp convos (at least what john commented). holding tightly on my hand/shoulder/whatever appendage when walking to the meeting location cos the floor was slippery and she din want to fall or so she claimed. squealing whenever she stepped into a puddle of water. complimenting me randomly and laughing aloud at my unfunny jokes and snide comments.

sent her back to her NTU hall after everything since i was staying the night at my friend's who lived like 5 mins away from there. it was a fun night, i thought then. time well spent in good company. 

so while i was having supper at john's place, watching movies and reminsiscing abt random stuff, she called to check whether i was safely there alr. nice gesture, i commented thereafter. it was merely the tip of the iceberg.

so for the next 2 weeks i received calls at random (ok, mostly ard midnight) and offers to supper or study together (diff schs - troublesome, i told her). and the call duration ranged from 2-3hrs. not that i had alot of time to spare and i really can't multitask whilst talking on the phone, so i decided to just pick up like once every 2/3 days and work out (mindless activity) during the conversation. on the 3rd week it became intense. 2-3 calls a day in addition to v emo msges. taking a cab over to my area from NTU to have suppers at 2am in the morn. and asking if she could stay over after that. of course not. 

no-one is that persistent and my lack of response helped i guess. no point wasting anyone's time if nothing is gg to happen. somehow i din feel any connection and the frequency just wasn't similar enough. well. it doesn't matter. i've always been picky when making friends; wun be changing that anytime soon. 

wormy playfully commented during our weekly supper that it was a pity that i didn't pounce at the opportunity, and i replied wryly that it always felt more more likely that the opportunity would pounce on me. akin to a predator and prey relationship thingy.

weekend ended

one more month to exams. rough timetable's out. figured there's not much need for a detailed one at this pt of time. just doing it's the way to go. hopefully i'll pass the perpetual catchup phase and embark on the revision one. it's gg to be tiring. but fun. immersing oneself in a single pursuit (ok, 6 for my 6 modules) amidst the occasional meetup or activity can be a productive and revitalising experience.

tues: meetup with the flaggers for yi's b-day. haven't seen them for a while. ok i do see a certain few on a more regular basis but you get the point. should be fun!

wed: tennis w fellow scholars ginnelle/sarapova n linken. over the past few weeks they've been gg for intensive coaching and session-wise they've overtaken me, given my 3rd and previous one was like 2 mths ago. linky has since stopped whining (ok la he doesn't exactly whine. just the general feeling i got at the start that he thought he only lost cos he trained less than me) abt his lack of proper coaching when he's soundly beaten nowadays. will have to arrange for a spot of self-trg so i can still win even when it's 2against1. heh! ok i know it wun last for long.

sometimes, i do wonder where my competitive nature started dissipating. esp that in the academic arena. through sports, hopefully, i can rediscover that feeling. it just doesn't feel the same anymore. i miss those times.

date!

i always do term the word very loosely. given it isn't restricted to members of the opposite sex, my point is kind of proven. to me it's just an opportunity to know someone better, be it someone u just got to know, or someone u've always known in a grp setting but never got the chance to spend quality conversation time with, in an environment conducive to the exchange of ideas and thoughts. the process of which would benefit both parties in that insights are garnered and a lasting friendship is hopefully developed.

no first date (or second? haha) jitters. if there were, something would be really wrong. hahaha. haven't really gone out with anyone i was already considerably acquainted with and who knew most of my little habits and nuances - found it quite a novel and enjoyable process.

starting it off by jolting me at guardian.

discussing writing styles and recommending each other good reads. looking for a book whose title seemed more like a description (lol!). the aimlessly walking around (eh can we find a place to sit down? tired).

sitting at the alfresco area of mac and not e starbucks one w/o ordering ath. spending ages btw deciding on hk or jap food. then amusing me by asking me abt the other when we alr decided on one. enlightening me to the presence of a certain local singer who sounded gd.

ordering quite a lot of stuff which i never really touched until halfway thru. u finally discovering who J's source was, amidst other stories (drama series?). free veggies with weak sauce and the cold/chilled soba noodles with minced pork. not settling the bill and sitting there despite the table being cleared awhile ago.

checking out the nice choc shop at citylink. u trying to pull out the menu which was fixed in place, hehh.

introducing me to a movie with 3 strong female leads and a good plot. furiously (ok la, not exactly) taking pics of the quaint tea-brewing gizmo at TCC. complaining abt the osmanthus taste (dun like flowers then still order!). the cookie that disappointed u with its 'funny taste'.
your finally uttering the 'L' (no, it's not love. haha) word without prompting of any sort.

in-depth discussions. philosophical debates. insightful topics.

taking the train from cityhall to JE thru the NE line!! a good 3/2 hrs. perusing my notes throughout e hr after u alighted.

ur obvious inclination towards speaking in chinese
yet beautiful and well-crafted sentences in english.
ur contemplative and unassuming nature.
ur cheerful and easygoing disposition.
ur round face and short fringe (lol).
ur friendship and much-appreciated trust.

treasure the circumstances that brought both of you together.
eschew the past cos one should never be binded by past events.
cherish the sweet moments associated with the 1st.
a memory to keep for eternity; a story for the grandchildren.

sloth

always believed that nipping a problem in the bud when it first arose was the proper policy. but it seems that delaying action which seemingly needs to be done, instead allowing time to solve the issue by itself, can actually be the right thing to do.

6 mths ago. once. contemplated doing something which i thought would matter, but did not. it would prove thereafter that it wouldn't have had the tiniest impact had i perpetrated it.

a few days ago. once more. it's really quite embarassing. when i think of it i can't imagine why i felt that way then. it's been a while since. too much emotions involved.

sometimes doing too much, too fast, on the spur of emotions would just aggravate matters. i'm lucky that at times, i was quite the sloth when it came to responding.

confused

i'm not gg to attempt to elaborate on my feelings here. it'll only make things worse. i guess i just don't understand myself enough. nor the implications of my actions towards others. i've been naive. impulsive. going with the flow. didn't think things through clearly before i perpetrated them. ambiguity? lots of it. not entirely by choice but no excuses will be accepted.

compatibility

what is it exactly. similarities? complementing differences? it's likely a mix of both.

it's not a quality that can be easily gauged even after knowing the other party considerably well. being similar in areas that matter deep down to you and different in areas that you're personally not very concerned abt is a key ingredient to a lasting friendship.

the endearing touch of familiarity, being able to connect with a significant other, in turn knowing that he/she is cognizant and understanding of your needs, thoughts and feelings. yet familiarity does breed contempt and boredom over time; differing views on minor issues and varying interests helps prolong one's inner desire to get more acquainted with the other.

therein lies the reason for the age-old tradition of pursuing one's happiness. but to how many is this quality key to their choice? not many, i should believe. when asked for the reason behind their actions, they term the key criterion as a gut feeling.

one more popularly known as love. the true form of which compatibility cannot be absent.

mistakes

so wish to pen down certain thoughts, certain events that have taken place over the past few weeks. but shall refrain from doing so. even as this is a personal space limited to a select few, but then again these matters aren't exactly what i would risk divulging to others. not that i care what others think tho. ha. the previous statement was a total joke.

it's a matter of ethics, one thing which i never really saw fit to abide by. my point was, if all parties benefit eventually, the means used, however unconventional or seemingly warped, would be well-justified. not everyone thinks that way tho. it's still proper to follow certain paths en route to achieving something, even as mild deviations from the norm are accepted by most.

appearances can be deceiving. one can make use of others' perception of themselves to their own advantage at times, if only they knew how they portrayed themselves to different parties. no-one treats everyone similarly, and this single act simply underlies the fact that every action is a subconscious reaction to a stimuli, however much one wishes to believe that he/she is in control of their behaviour and actions.

when even the closest confidant expresses a hint of disapproval amidst the evident amusement and laughter it shouldn't be a good sign. i do believe he did see my rationale behind my thoughts and actions eventually, but given his impetuousness and perceived lack of ethics, i should think it would be totally unacceptable to many others.

to be truly independent of one's personal biases towards others. to be genuinely cognizant of the causes for and likely aftermath of one's actions, and to resist the temptation to reap immediate benefits from undesirable behaviour. to be able to live up to one's own expectations, and not be affected by those imposed, subconsciously or otherwise, from others. to be able to honestly say that any altruistic or selfless decision one has made was based solely on others on not even partly due to some vested interest or personal goal on one's part.

these ideals are seemingly unattainable, some even brinking on utopian in nature, should one not consider self-delusion as an obvious solution. but it'd already be commendable if one exercises objective introspection, sees oneself for the fault-ridden being one is, and work towards a better self. everyone ought to, for the sake of salvaging their inner soul, if not for the supposed greater good of the society.

which the former likely leads to eventually.

the quality of one's life is determined by the quality of the surrounding influences, which is likely, in turn, affected by the actions of oneself towards them. complaining abt one's inferior surroundings / influences in the moulding of oneself thus seems untenable as an argument. one determines his own fate, to a certain extent, by controlling his surroundings. changing the way one behaves to others, as well as cultivating one's innate qualities and developing skills and capabilities, affects how others react to him, which in turn motivates him to continue down the path he chose and continue making the decisions he made. or otherwise.

it's tiring. yes.

work

beginning to lose focus once again after the mid-term break. i really can't afford to screw up any longer. every sem i tell myself to focus on studies; every sem i find something new to get distracted by. if it had somewhat been forced upon me i wouldn't have been that disappointed in myself. no. i chose to. or rather i was receptive to them.

but letting everything go now just doesn't seem right. it wouldn't be.

b-day celebrations 300808 (part2)

someone i really wanted to go out with told me early morn (like 1am) that she wun be able to make it. so i did abit of rescheduling. sigh. and i thought it'd be nice to go out with her 2 yrs later on the same day after the last time we went out proper. hmm come to think of it, it wasn't exactly proper. as in a date. ahhaha.

yup. charm in the morn at m square. really like that place la. bowling, pool, arcade, k-box, times, decent shopping outlets and various food selections. gives an option to walk over to e esplanade for some quiet time :) and suntec's nearby too. hmm ok then i tried out e western genre in the morn. played abit of bowling (yesssss, again. on fire mah!) then walked ard aimlessly whilst talking (my specialty lol). thanks for accomodating my various oddities and bad habits (being late for 1.5hr!) all this while. but i'm sure u're ok with it since we've been friends for 2 years and counting. haha.

then i realised i was running over schedule. should be meeting other pple at diff places at different times. so i decided to take the easy choice. all of you come to m square! i msged. haha. since i doubt they've left home and that they'd mind even otherwise.

then sangi for lunch (no, she's not lunch). thai this time. my fave bbq seafood rice platter. never get sick of it la. too much of a good thing can be detrimental at times, but i threw caution to the wind. as well as my diet plans. one of the few i can sit down with properly without feeling restless and have a good conversation with. one of e first pple i knew in hall even b4 it started, thru rag dance. sometimes i'm really disturbed by how much i talk to you abt a particular topic. or rather.. nvm. hahaha.

lalaa really touched me (not literally) during our erm.. high tea at waraku. jap food. yup been eating too much today! didn't have high hopes since you said you had nothing for me but the nice cake with a candle (yay i'm just 1 year old!) was a nice gesture. and i really like the loooong letter detailing our friendship over the past few mths. letters really mean alot to me; dun care much abt material gifts. i'm really a sucker for words - the written form. sometimes time isn't a factor in making a friend.

never expected to meet someone so very similar to myself and whom i really feel comfortable sharing all my feelings with. not to mention similar interests. i'm a very private person, as my flag pple can attest to after working together closely for 3 mths, so it's v hard for me to truly open up. indeed, a stranger is just a friend waiting to happen.

ok! sausage fest time. managed to gather the guys together for the evening, and even tho i see wormy and john individually quite often, it's a joy to get together with those 11 yr buddies of mine who's seen me grow all these years. sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve them; never was a very fun person, nor an outstanding one, nor was i always there for them back then. even neglected them during my 1st sem in hall, in which newer friends took precedence. i should have known better; it was really a learning experience.

and jieren, stop accusing me abt chatting to gals on msn and generally ignoring you (even tho it's the truth, haha!). aiya. we can always meet up in sch 4 a proper chat anytime la. right? hehh.

after a chinese dinner, boarded dan's car en route for sentosa; planned to stay there overnight. but me and jieren were concussed and sleeping on each other in the car (gay! he exclaimed later), so we decided to just go vivo to chill out at the deck area. woke up half an hr later and discovered we were still on the road. lost! wtf.

with the aid of the superb navigation from wormy we managed to get from m square to orchard in 1/2 hr, orchard to orchard in another 1/2 hr and orchard to vivo in 1/2 hr. roughly. hahaha. outstanding la. then chatted and camwhored abit (1st time we're taking pics together man) till ard 1am b4 leaving 4 home. long day! long post too!

b-day celebrations 300808 (part1)

just before i forget abt the entire thing i've decided to cease my work (or rather play) and blog it down. together with most of the stuff i've experienced thus far. of course i'll 4get some things.. but i'm of the opinion that if you can forget something entirely, it isn't worth remembering in the 1st place.

just like what i always believe in: no point in looking back and regretting losing friends which you drifted apart from; if it were capable of happening, it wouldn't have justified a true friendship. better late than never.

hmm. went out with family the night b4. had dinner at fajar shopping centre. one of my fave places. the zhi char is really superb for the price. and even w/o the price justification, it's still superb la. haha. it's really rare that my bro tagged along for the evening; he's been busy with his own life for the past year. good conversation as usual. despite us being from different walks of life, we both respect each other's opinions and enjoy sharing stories abt the respective lives the other would never lead.

then went for a spot 0f bowling. since young i've NEVER beaten him consistently - he's really talented athletically despite the little effort he puts in. but oh well it's a different ball game now after i picked up a few lessons a year back. i scored 195, 178, 212, 180, 164; above my usual standard. even so he played admirably and took a game off me and my dad who won 2 games each. heh. yes. i do keep track of my scores for averaging purposes.

then back home to rest. long day tml!

silver. $200.

the title speaks for itself.

yes. IPPT again.

i specially came home from 10-12 lecs just to get my deepheat, painkillers and kneeguard for my IPPT near campus. yes kinda bad planning on my part, but i din realise the importance of the matter until when i started climbing the stairs along the aisle of the LT, the excruciating process of which jarred me into a worried state. i really can't afford to not do well, cos the deadline is like on fri, and i dun have any time to do it the next 2 days, given my 6-8pm lecs. ha.

it was the 1st time i kinda missed having a rm on campus. the convenience. the ease of getting stuff u need. the ready company of accomodating and caring friends. but to everything there's a tradeoff. i do value the life i now lead, for it has proved enjoyable in its own small ways. i have always valued a close-knit family, a few close friends and solitude at times, and i have all the above right now. hall life will remain a fond memory of the past, a process by which i have learnt alot from, and during which i have made friends which may last a lifetime.

2.4km

had a trial run at the SRC today. stepped onto the track with trepidation; haven't run a proper 2.4km since like 2 years plus back. and should i do badly i would still have to attend the IPPT knowing i'm gg to fail. it'd be akin to the feeling of gg into the exam hall hoping u'll pass, somehow. after a deep breath, i walked towards the starting point, grim determination glinting in my steely eyes.

and i started my timer. the 1st rd really reminded me of back then when the entire company begun their run together and i whooshed off at the initial stage. felt superb with the wind running thru my hair, and the rhythm of my steps felt just right. looked at the time after passing the line once: 1:32. the pace i aimed to go for in the past when i was gunning for gold.

but back then i could maintain it for 6 rds. and it wasn't gg to be a fairytale ending today, what with me not having trained proper for years. my next few rds averaged 2mins (for a rough gauge, a silver timing req roughly 1min56sec on average per rd). the last 2 laps in which i gave it quite my all was decent, and i ended up with a commendable timing of.. 11 mins 31 secs.

hey! it's still a silver k. and it's great considering i only spent like a day training for it. but then again it's quite embarassing. even my sec sch timing was like 10.5 mins or smth. ok. deep heat and rest for the next 2 days. wed - the day where i get my $200 monetary incentive for silver. heh. simple! what's with most of my guy friends man. can't even pass with a few wks' of trg in the bag. hahaha!

ok. let's study harder. u can do it.

pre-IPPT

just popped by my cousin's rm and to use e pull-up bar he installed near his door. jumped and hanged on the bar for a few seconds, in anticipation/trepidation of the next few moments. 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! (rest.. but the previous 6 was done at a good frequency continuously so my target of 8 for silver should be met) then 7! 8! .. 9! .... 10! nicely done. and given i haven't touched the pullup bar since ages ago when i meet wormy for supper near our area and he's late, i think it's a commendable achievement! some pple train like forever and they still can't do what i just did. hehhhhh.

ok. lest i get too confident about my chances, time to get realistic about the other events. sit-ups could be an issue - haven't tried any since i left the army. but if i could do 40 in primary sch. doing 36 now shouldn't be too much of a problem. e shuttle-run and standing broad jump may pose an insurmountable obstacle to many, but given that my muscle fibres are naturally inclined towards power-based sports (for more info, read up on short/long twitch muscle fibres) and i always do well in them i doubt they'll pose much trouble.

the 2.4km run. my biggest fear. gave up running, soccer, triathlons and impact-based sports after sustaining a knee ligament injury in the army. and even 3 years later, i experience excruciating pain when i exert my knees too much in a given time period. kept fit mostly through swimming since then, and it's still unknown if i can do well in it like i did back then when i was younger. we'll see. shall do a time trial ard 11am tml at the SRC after lectures. yeah!

starting again

i always like to tell others that my not blogging constitutes a better and more constructive outlook on life, given that most of my entries are often written at times when i'm emotionally down or simply bored with nothing much I wish to perpetrate. however, it does allow me to keep track of the going-ons in my life should i wish to look back in the near future. so here goes. blogging for the purpose of preserving memories.

hmm yesterday. early at the tennis court at 0730, awhile b4 the mtg time w ethel (no-one else wanted to wake up tt early to play). decided to just browse thru my notes since my trg balls were with her and i really had quite a bit to catch up on. subconsciously reduced the distance btw my notes and eyes gradually due to decreasing visibility as time passed. realising the situation after awhile, i looked up in mild annoyance and saw dark clouds looming over the horizon. packed up and ran back to hall - the only exercise i would have for the day.

some time b4 dinner with lalaa (lol!) so attempted studying in et's rm. it was really quite constructive whilst it lasted. then studies were put aside for discussions on random topics (mostly flag or flagger-related) and photo-viewing/commenting on her laptop. ha. thought it was all quite amusing the way she hid my shoes in the shoe cabinet / her opening the door and giving the 'oh no' look when brenda spotted me inside from the corridor and started talking to me. hall rumours can get kinda annoying even if it has little or no truth to it. well. i'm over that alr.

lunch with gimsy,4K and ame (inadvertently) then abit of revision at HSSML. then waited for lalaa at PS since she was late - dun really mind pple being so as long as there's a bookshop / library near the mtg place. so many books i want to read, and so little time to. manhattan fish was gd as usual; but i was kinda sick of the damn fries by the end cos i was eating most of them. ah. then tried e old-sch frozen throne campaign style cos she seemed quite enthusiastic abt it. shouldn't take the loss too personally. otherwise with my competitive nature i'll just end up not studying and reading up the forums for strategies so i'd beat her next time. ok. it's kinda embarassing i know.

IPPT on wed. juz discovered i have to take it b4 my b-day last week and wed's the only time i can do it. most of my guy friends are telling me from personal experience tt i'm gonna fail it cos 3 days ain't enough to train up. but i'm gg to prove them wrong by gg one up and getting a silver. i do keep fit thru regular exercise after all. but ok, i think it'll be one uphill task, given i'm not exactly the athlete i used to be.

sometimes i do wonder if my way of handling personal matters is flawed. i've not done the things i should have, and done things i shouldn't. i do get confused over issues, then try to solve them in a short-term way, which likely causes more confusion and hurt for all parties involved in the long run. i cannot thrive on instant gratification. more patience, more planning, more efforts. less digressing, less wavering, less indifference. maybe i just can't decide on what i really want. i can't just sit on it and hope it'll tide over. it won't. and even if it will, it wouldn't be ideal. i need to take proper action.

my mum casually commented that she hoped that i'd be able to get the allowance for my scholarship next yr as i just did a few days ago. i didn't reply immediately. it's not an option i wish to take if possible, but it seems imminent unless my attitude changes. i need to change.

visiting e doc

fell sick recently (after the flag slumber party lol) due to insufficient rest and went to UHWC to see e doc. the one who's always attended to me since the matriculation check-up. and as usual he was his typical caring, philosophical, chatty self. talked abt life and various issues in depth. somehow he's kind of a psychologist to me. haha.

a really good piece of advice he gave me: allocate urself some solitude time to do ur own stuff w/o feeling guilty; in so rediscover and be at peace with yourself. happiness originates from within you; should you ever need to derive it from others, you need to take some time off to ask yourself why. another one which i'm totally guilty of: learn to say no, even to those you truly care abt and wish to help.

of course i got my MC too, very essential since i took a day off my school attachment. and i left the room with a book on meditation and life quotes (given free of charge), as well as myriad thoughts coursing through my cluttered mind. i need some quality time alone.

'fish-net' guys?

read this on xiaobai's blog, and found it kinda interesting. think most guys are like that to a certain extent (seriously). with the exception of those i feel are totally indifferent or blissfully ignorant abt r/ship issues, of course. lest someone feel that i'm putting guys down in general, i'll just analyse the issue with regards to mine and close friends' experiences.

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FISH NET GUYS

have u heard of fish-net guys? this was what they would do... *RED ALERT*

he, would go around acting nice to gals 1st.(u know.. like hold e door for em, jokes around, console em when they were sad)

any guy worth his salt would know better than to NOT do the above. esp at the start where it's make or break. even if he's not interested at all in the gals in question. being nice in general to make more friends and generate goodwill, albeit consciously, is always a good thing and isn't exactly hard to perpetuate. and it helps put one on a better platform from which to operate (i'm speaking for others, not myself k) should it prove necessary in the future.

then, he would start to "zero" in to that gal by smsing her daily and ask her out, making her feel special. well, obviously e gal would thought that that guy had probably fallen for her.

this just seems like a typical scenario in which you feel someone is worth knowing better, and you're willing to expend time and effort into the process of sms-ing, talking and gg out with him/her. i do it with guys too so i dun really see the big fuss in asking more than a single gal out at any given moment. it's the intention which matters, not just the action itself.

but later, she found out that that guy was fish netting = rounded up all e fishes that he was interested in and fish out e one that either accepted him in e end or he thought was e most suitable for him. so what did it imply? it implied that he was nice to ALOT of gals.. not jus u.. silly gal...

hmm i think this is just a warped interpretation of the general case of a guy getting together with a girl. a typical guy has a considerable number of female friends, from which he might feel that one is exceptionally attractive and is similarly attracted to him. getting together would consequently be natural, and not at all contrived or manipulative as the above suggests.

*****************************************

but i can't deny that 'fish-net' guys do exist. no doubt about that.

dance and wii

last week of dance lessons. it's been superb so far. meeting new pple. gg out with them. potential friendships that could actually last beyond the activity itself. and i've learnt alot from gg out with some of them. both from the things they say and a bit of objective introspection on my part abt what i perpetuate when in their presence. constantly learning from experiences and improving myself.

false hope. it's one thing that should never be given freely, if at all. and i'm very careful when treading into this territory. delaying sms replies. not picking up late-night calls on purpose. limiting meet-ups if necessary. it's important to know where to draw the line; i'm a firm believer of the saying 'what goes around, comes around'.

ohhh and i found someone who's into science fiction and gaming. a female at that. it really quite turned me on when she talked abt them with passion and enthusiasm. haha. obviously i din leave it at that, and asked her out for a WII session at cineleisure e2max. tried out the motion sensing technology for the 1st time, playing virtual tennis, bowling, boxing as well as the acclaimed mariokart game. had a smashing time!

evaluation

flag comm just had an evaluation exercise today. one side being categories like leadership, competency etc, with a rating scale of 1-5, the other side being for comments if necessary. was busy with my sch attachment and extremely tired after it, but travelled all the way to provide advice and assistance should they require any.

at the end they passed out the evaluation forms and i looked at the comments side. "can take charge and lead when required", "always give critical advice when everyone is lost", "able to connect well with everyone and offers constructive advice" etc. just as i expected.

then i looked at the points side. hmm.. communication skills being 4.2 and an average of 3.8 for the rest. quite decent, i thought. then i saw the points for ethel. average of 4.4 for everything. alright. i'd rank her 5 for virtually every category anyways if i had participated earlier. but then i noticed certain others (esp gals) getting averages of 4.0. and i seriously doubt the authenticity of their leadership and competency skills. they barely spoke during meetings and their paperwork was acceptable at best.

had a gruelling jog b4 mtg kelvyn for dinner; din want to spoil the mood as i was already having a perpetually annoyed expression. did not feel like talking abt it as i felt it would seem i was complaining abt a fact which 14 others had agreed on. but as the conversation ensued, it came out quite naturally.

ok it's quite natural for girls to buffer each other and prevent one another from getting low scores (in this case the lowest was 3), and the fact is that guys typically take score objectively - should i dislike someone immensely on a personal level but if he/she was capable, i wouldn't hesitate to put a 5.

thinking back, i guess it's a good thing i actually felt upset over it all. had i been indifferent, it would have showed just how little effort i had invested and how much i had sacrificed for the cause. the purpose of the evaluation was primarily meant to show one in which area his strengths and weaknesses lied, but it seems to me that the main outcome for some is that they'll feel somewhat discredited by it. as if all their hard work was not recognised.

of course one has to take into account that as an advisor, i consciously kept my opinions to myself until the last min so as to allow others to learn them themselves, or did things behind the scenes to facilitate issues. for now, let's just focus on my attachment and my other pressing issues for now. after i finish my script and the filming that is. then i'll be free from it till the 24th.

3rd - ended

yesterday was the 3rd. somehow i feel glad it's gg better and faster than i expected, but i still have my doubts. was mentioning to a few of my close friends that it's just like the other time, but with the roles reversed this time. the similarities in the process is extremely uncanny. and worrying. i really have no wish for it to end the same way too. it's the 1st time i'm doing it the 'proper' way and hopefully it's the last. i'm kinda tired of it all. it all feels kinda empty despite the immediate kick you get whilst doing it.

first

tml's the first; will determine if anything is meant to be. i really want to move on in this aspect of my life; hence the decision to not want to continue in hall. albeit it's mostly due to my studies. i've really got to justify my being a scholarship holder. and realise that it's not just a series of chores but a meaningful learning process.

jealousy is a good indicator of how much u like someone, i've always felt. and the intensity of it has abated much since then. it had to, i guess. sometimes i felt i tried my best. but sometimes i wonder, did i set myself up to fail by thinking negatively and protecting myself from potential rejections. i might have. i seldom am confused as to how i'm thinking, introspective as i am, but in this case i cannot help but concede defeat. either way, it's time to move on.

and recently i've been reading a book on shyness. supposedly i'm a non-shy introvert. i've always felt i was shy all this while, you know, the social awkwardness and all. but events that's transpired has made me suspect that it's just a cover-up for me being boring, uncaring and all. after all, it's normal to want to attribute my failings to a known condition rather than a lack of effort on my part.

i'm doubting things about myself i thought to be so very evident back then. but at least i know i'm on the right track. from the way i treat others, and from the way pple respond to me. at the very least, i know i'm better off than those who have no idea how screwed-up they are, or those that are resigned to what they currently are. i was both, and i know i ain't either now. i guess that's a good start.

exercise

haven't really pushed my physical limits for a long long while; been doing it very often nowadays tho. the feeling of being about to collapse any moment (or drowning if in the pool), the constant urge to let the fatigued body take a rest, the sensation of being unable to catch one's breath and the oh-so-sweet taste of cold water at the very end.

one really has to put in work to obtain something before he/she truly appreciates it, i guess.

badminton sessions from midnight till 3am in the morning in hall. continuously, with different opponents, sometimes against 2 at once. not that i'm good but that it's hard to find decent players during the vacation period.

and if there's just one mediocre player, i'll have to resort to using my opponent-no-move tactic which involves me returning shots such that the opponent never has to move more than one step at a time. at least i can train my accuracy, and perhaps my endurance if he/she has sufficient ability to place his/her shots.

before that, the gym sessions after the cross trainings at west coast park. 20m sprints followed by 40m jogs alternately for 2/3 sets of roughly 1.2km each is a killer. the gym exercises serve to build muscle tone and increase my basal metabolic rate. still hate gym tho.

and of course my favourite activity: swimming in the afternoon. the ultimate exercise, i like to advocate and promote to my cynical friends. really hope i'll be able to attain a lifeguard certification sometime soon. wish to be able to teach swimming proper to kids sometime in the near future, besides just physics and chemistry to my future students.

packed mon

met cherlyn at her MCYS workplace today. super tiring la. went to the temp chinatown food centre from hall to pack nice food for our lunch, only to discover it'd moved finally. why couldn't it have just moved abit later. ohwells. so i had to walk to the new venue. then take a train from chinatown to toapayoh. then attempt to walk the 25 journey to MCYS, only to give up halfway and hail a cab. seriously it's alot of trouble la! haha.

then ethel to get her tennis racket for herself and a badminton racket for father's day. must be nice to my potential tennis kakis since i just picked it up recently. and fellow beginners are always great to know better. hehh. she's like her in many senses.. only that their areas of interest are diffferent. one more inclined towards culture, the other sports.

oh finally charmaine for pool (coaching). by this time i was kinda tired out alr. but fortunately our friendship's such that it's stable enough to handle my drifting off at times. hahaha. but doing activities and my natural tendency to want to correct helped me stay alert throughout. during dinner a random qn she asked caught me offguard (i dun usually get caught offguard cos i predict conversations b4 they begin haha).

charm: how would you respond if i said i was interested in you?
me (totally waking up): ehh.. i wun respond, not on the spot. not even to the gal i really like. so.. yeah. haha.
charm: dun misunderstand. i just wanted to get ur opinion cos i have this female friend who really likes this guy and confessed to him.
me: yeah. i figured. i knew no-one would like a person like me. wish someone would ask someday tho. hahaha.
charm: it's like the first time i ever heard u put yourself down!

ohwells. it's not everyday i get asked this question out of the blue. of course i'm allowed a few moments of stunned silence and incoherence in speech. hehh.

busy week

this entire week has been a busy one indeed. mostly flag stuff like industrial and recycling collections. and catchups with friends. hmm. basically i don't really recall a time where i had time to watch TV, play games, or watch DVDs. so i guess it was quite a productive week.

met deb at times marina square whilst i was browsing thru e books there. normally i dun realli like being disturbed randomly whilst i'm reading but this was really a pleasant surprise. hehh. was abt to get a b-day gift for peilee w her but her friends had already arrived for their sec sch gathering. hmmmm. ohwells. then rushed off for my 2nd jive and tango class.

of which was quite eventful. hehhh.

OP comm supper was totally fun. every grp of 6 to make 3 dishes out of an assortment of random ingredients, making 12 dishes in total. supposedly to bond FWOC, flag and rag comm pple, but i din care much abt that, heh. and i realised that just by voicing one's opinions rapidly without thinking too much and in a enthusiastic and engaging manner with eye contact gives pple the impression that one actually knows what to do.

discovered xiaobai was a feb 29 baby. so u just turned 5 this year? u sure are mature for your age haha, i commented. and as expected, she did watch the movie leap years. obviously. haha. then initiated playing touch rugby with a cabbage after someone commented it looked like a football. how childish can i get man.

also met the HQ guys for our annual gathering. reached there late despite being the organiser. furthermore i had happily forgotten to reserve seats at waraku. friday night somemore. ohno, i realised on the taxi. alighted outside waraku then called dickson.

me: sorry i was held up dude. where're u guys man!
dickson: oh at the same place as last year lor. the rm inside waraku.
me: ohhh that's great. coming coming! give me a min.

and i scoured the entire waraku for a good 5 mins, and i couldn't spot them. could be another hidden rm which i haven't seen before, i thought then. so i decided to just call and humbly ask again. michael this time since dickson din pick up straightaway.

me: ehh shit man where're u guys. bluff me la. where got at the same rm.
mike: oh we're sitting somewhere else. hey i see you!
me: really? (turning ard and trying to spot someone familiar)
mike: we're to your 2 o'clock! see us waving towards you?
me: eh still can't see lehs. u come over lead me there la.
mike: bluff you one! we're at Burger King! (laughter in background)

guys, indeed. totally annoying. haha.

phone conversation

hmm recently i've been worried abt being overly concerned abt a friend of mine (yes i know that sounds wrong). my view is that i don't even want to risk having a girl i'm not attracted to getting positive vibes for me. experienced the inverse twice before and the feeling sucks.

so i was telling myself, the next time she calls i'm gonna ignore it. and msg her the next morn saying i was asleep the previous night. then the phone rang. and i picked it up. i have to admit, i didn't expect a teary, broken voice.

apparently, she had just broken up with her b/f. for the next 3 hrs, it was a long journey of emphathising and consoling. it was especially hard given i could barely make out what the hell she was trying to say, given her distraught state and voice. and it isn't exactly polite to say 'say again' or 'can u repeat that' or anything that has that meaning too many times.

so i ended up just feeling the emotion of the words and reacting accordingly with short affirmations to assure her i was listening. or paraphrasing the last few words of her sentences and repeating it occasionally. no choice la. but i think it was more than sufficient to placate her.

sometimes i wonder what guys do on the phone when they're getting bored during an excessively long conversation. esp tempting if it's basically a monologue.

relationships.. it has to be 2-way. if it's just about one party putting in effort and the other just accepting, or even the typical guy-chase-gal-gal-get-touched-and-get-together thingy, i doubt it'll work out in the long term. oh wells. let's just let nature take its course.

nussnb

hmm had been wanting to check out the SNB dances ever since i was a freshie but just couldn't find the time to get to it. so it was a good thing one of my freshies asked me to join as her friends couldn't make it and she din want to join alone. readily agreed as i wanted to see how it was like. and furthermore it would allow my hols to be more diversified.

oh so as usual it was more gals than guys (25:15 roughly). superb cos i get to dance without the hassle of waiting for dance partners. no it's not cos i have more to choose from; quality, not quantity. but first the basic steps for jive and tango.

spent bulk of the 1st lesson individually infront of e mirror mirroring the instructor whilst he taught the basic steps. everyone seemed alright and comfortable with it initially.. but when we did it with music and at a faster pace, i couldn't help but notice from e reflections that alot of them were having trouble catching up. even gals. ok i'm of the view that typically gals pick up dance faster than guys.

and as usual i was happily standing at e front looking at myself dance. well at least i don't look half-bad. then e instructor mentioned smth along the line of "beginners always tend to hide at the back so those at the back row pls come to the front". rubbish lorz. it's like my very first attempt at this kinda dance. and i'm of the opinion that being able to see e instructor and ur reflection without obstruction always aids learning.

always ask my friends who refuse to swim or dance in e front row due to self-consciousness: do u notice and comment on the outstanding ones, the mediocre ones or the totally noobish ones? e answer is always the 1st or the last; if it's the 1st i reply that they've nothing to worry about cos they're new at it and no-one would take notice of them. if it's the last, i reply that those pple who actually notice and comment on those are not worth them being self-conscious of anyway.

oh and as usual i was engaged in non-dance activities in the midst of it all. not exactly active to the noted few, infact indifferent, as it's impt to create the impression that i'm more interested in dance and everyone in general, in order to create a better platform to operate from in future lessons. sometimes doing less means more. and ready availability is never appealing.

tiring!

it's been a long and tiring week. can't get even enough time for my papers, books and swimming which i initially placed a daily to-do priority on. and i haven't even started on all my trgs and settling of mundane stuff, nor am i spending too much time on gg out nor working.

it's been meeting after meeting and a myriad of fund-raising events for flag. feel those pple are really under pressure to perform given we broke the all-time record thise yr. haha not exactly as concerned as them. just there as an advisor to point out obvious discrepancies and to offer insight into issues. haha i bet my ex-flag comm pple would be amused and impressed at what i'm doing now.

joined late the last time and had little idea of what was gg on, so just focussed on my area of expertise and did it well. din bother to know nor contribute to other areas much nor gave many constructive opinions abt general issues. quite content then to just do my part and relax and sit back during meetings haha. so different now! not that i want to speak up and be heard but so many things are so glaring that i can't help but comment and offer advice. but of course my appointment also gives me pressure to do more and be more active la. hahaha.

and i recently picked up ice-skating! haha. figured out i'd learn it someday since i live so close to it and have been hanging out in that shopping mall since sec 1. better late than never since i'm still not that old haha. yes i do feel there's an unspoken age limit to certain activities. went with charm since she apparently din know how to ice skate too. haha i always prefer learning with someone together instead of gg with someone who can teach me. more fun mah. and the competition makes learning faster.

and i think i'm kinda a sucky person to learn stuff with initially. cos it seems in the rink that most pple who look 1st-timers always like hold hands and go together, and it seemed proper to follow the norm. but i happily ignored it most of the time like the many social norms i ignore. and i really focussed on the ice-skating, other than the occasional short conversation with charm whenever i skated close her. ehhh can talk in a proper setting later also mah. but ok la i thought i was kinda jerkish also.

really absorbed into my own mental state, trying to sync to and feel all the sensations from the feet up, varying the technique used every once in a while so as to discover the most appropriate one. mentally counting out to keep rhythm and prevent bad habits (say skating with short rapid steps) from forming out of comfort and complacency. observing others whilst taking short breaks. then trying to get the whole body to flow with the leg movements in complete fluid movements after i felt i had got the leg basics down pat.

sokie was right. it is easy for sportspeople to pick up new physical activities damn fast. but the limiting factor was the skates. just like when i was training from scratch last yr for rollerblading in the chingay festival. damn painful la. and my pain threshold is not really that low.

and i discovered i really can't socialise properly when i'm starting to learn something, esp sports-related stuff. too focussed on the task at hand to bother abt others, esp if i know they'll understand haha. alot friendlier when i was playing pool with her.. gave her lots of advice and tips on how to improve since she seemed like she wanted to. joked ard and just created open-ball chances for her on purpose at times. but when i discovered i was in danger of actually losing, i totally changed my mood and got down to the task. haha i bet pple watching would be amused at the sudden change in facial expression and general attitude. can't bear to lose even on purpose!

'll talk more tml cos i dun wanna create too long a post and have to wake early tml. have a mtg at 9 tml (haha gg to skip the event after that), moving my rm and shopping, then mtg peilee to pass her stuff. really need to allocate some time to myself to settle issues and for personal maintenance and relaxation. feel like i haven't been in sync with my inner self recently, with everything's that's been gg on.

blogs

one can really know a person thru his/her blog. not totally thru the content, but the writing style and pattern of expressing his/her thoughts, not to mention what he/she feels most for through the subconscious tendencies to emphasise it more.

finished up 5 months worth of blog entries recently in a sitting. took me a good 2 hrs even with my reading speed. it took that long cos she had the habit of droning on and writing exceptionally long and detailed entries. not entirely unlike me.

the more i read, i more i was amazed. and amused. shall not disclose in detail what i felt right here. just a feeling of kindredness i should say. a long-lost friend like you said? perhaps.

guy dinner

a dinner with the guys was never gg to be a quiet affair. made our presence all too well-known with the occasional guffaw and loud bawdy laughter amidst our more measured and civilised conversations about our experiences. really feel at ease with this motley bunch i've known since sec sch days. all so different, yet so connected as one.

so our resident hermit john's been quite active in the dating arena. got to know his gal at the CC study rm of all places. apparently she accidentally looked at the reflection of him relieving himself in the toilet when she walked past, apologised when they were alone in the study rm, and things just progressed from there.

holding hands on the 1st date, being constantly together since then. and she's leaving for the US for work-and-travel. despite her requests for them to get together before that, john's refusing to commit himself, telling her that he's not ready yet and to look out for someone better overseas. why, we asked him. it isn't everyday that you find a gal that likes and accepts you for what you are.

his reason: i dun like her as much as the gal whom i used to like alot, and i'm not really motivated to do stuff on her behalf as compared to the former. think it's unfair to her if this goes on. it benefits me definitely but my conscience tells me otherwise. even though i may never find someone who likes me this much.

guess it's a common dilemma for many.

always been the link and quiet listener in the grp, never really imposing myself on the conversation except when i feel like it or when it's required, yet maintaining presence and being the closest to most of them. accepted myself for what i am now. sometimes, i don't entirely like being the passive one, but it's what i really am and there's a need for someone to play my role.

wormy gives the alpha male and players' advice, jieren the cynical view, dan's more into flings so he couldn't offer anything constructive, and me with my typical nice-guy approach, tempered by experience and abit of acquired knowledge. but the common agreement - go with the flow, and dun be hampered by past failures and self-fulfilling prophecies. things will work out (or not) as they happen.

and they just happened to comment that i've changed alot since my sec sch days. alot more involved and less indifferent, and expressing one's views more often and forcefully. wormy was the only one who begged to differ. and with good reason. i had been always like that. it's only that i hadn't warmed up sufficiently with them yet. i never did so readily - not exactly distrust, but acceptance on both sides is the key to most pple like myself being able to open up.

believe i'm the only one left amongst them to not really accept oneself totally yet. still need to improve certain key facets of myself. i know how to, at least. it'll be a tough process but i hope i'll face up to it. i need to. if only for my own sake.

1st day (of hols haha)

today was a v slack day! sighss. cannot everyday like that la. abit the waste time la i feel. woke up at 7 as planned, had b/f, exchanged some smses with someone then felt abit nua cos was lying down whilst doing so. the next thing i knew, i was looking at the clock which said 1210pm! ohnos. cannot..

ah and the pple i usually disturb are either moving out or are flying overseas.. and all my activities only start next week. so decided i shouldn't stay in hall in the noon. went to JE library to check out books. it's been like so long since i could just revel in the joy of reading the stuff i like. then went to the teens section at the top level to peruse thru my mini-stack of books. feel so old! hahas.

then met my dear john and zc for a spot of bowling cum catchup. mainly cos to update them abt the gg ons of the other 2 of our supposedly close-knit 10 yr clique since i always make time such that i keep in close contact with both grps from diff schs during e sch term. haha.

since sec sch days i've always regarded john as the curse - everytime he joins in for bowling or pool sessions somehow i always tend to play alot shittier. no more! hehhh. but it isn't exactly fair nowadays esp since it's one of my my decent areas. all the balls had either too big or too tight holes, i was complaining. but ohwells. i just chose a big-holed 13-pounder and just employed a straight ball technique. no choice mah. din bring my own fingertip-drilled balls - how to throw a hook ball properly liddat!

haha but even tho the strike rate was predictably absymal, i ended up with a very sparable 1 or 2 pin combi which i easily converted every frame. like.. 159 and 175 for the 1st 2 games. was contemplating letting depressed john win the 3rd game and threw just 44 at the halfway point whilst he had ard 70. then he started getting cocky. oh whatever lorz. so i just did my best and beat him with a 126. he really can't complain if he can't even beat a 126 lol. hehh.

butter chicken floss waffle from prima deli. it's really quite good. a must-try. yesss random i know :)

wanted to stay over at john's to watch movies overnight and chat but i was feeling kinda tired and wanted to go home and bond with family. and play with my ham and bacon (hamstersss!). so cute! love them to bitsss.

feels really good to just read my newspapers in little hurry whilst eating supper and drinking ice milo. haha. the simple pleasures of life. so i'm meeting the JC dudes at Lot1 1630 and the entire sec sch gang at 2000 JP. after a nice leisurely (somehow i think it'll be otherwise haha) swim at NTU in the noon whilst tanning and reading my books :)

and tml's my g-ma's b-day i just realised. oh mans. and i already made plans. sighh shall make her a nice card tml and give her a warm hug and birthday wishes b4 i leave for my swim tml. should suffice i hope! ok la. hopefully. hehh. think anything from her fave grandchild would be sufficient but i'm not gg to be complacent here. hahaha.

exams ended!

the entire night before my last paper was a surreal one. at least to myself la. really in a state of relaxed focus throughout. just wanting to learn and understand out of one's own volition and not getting distracted over issues or wishing to indulge in other activities. can't remember that feeling since i stepped out of JC. yes i haven't exactly been in the proper state of academic mind for the past few sems. it's sad to say that. haha.

a small and pleasant surprise, awhile before my paper. realised thus that the unexpected really accentuates the emotions felt. been too predictable all the while. not holding back or taking a small step back at times, nor controlling the urges or timings of actions necessarily.

the paper was surprisingly easy - estimated 80 odd marks. i commented to my physics friends that if pple like me who din come for lecs nor tuts, studied little, din do my own cheatsheet and entered the exam venue late thought it was very do-able, it must have been damn easy indeed. true enough, i think most pple are getting full marks for it. sianssss. to hell with the bell-curve system.

was quite surprised when weilin mentioned alot of stuff i did that i din exactly find worth noticing or din think she'd know, esp since i hadn't spent much time with the group this sem. apparently they still kept up to date with my happenings. and i can't thank them enough for all the help and concern they voluntarily offered me time to time. this sem was really a cui one academics wise, especially for my core mods. ha. was particularly impressed when she asked abt certain matters i kept from most, then i realised why when she said "sheena tells me everything". haha. the world IS a small one indeed.

and i was damn pissed when i went to the pool and there was this 'CLOSED' sign at the entrance. hello, it's not even raining yet. to hell with the weather forecasts. so looking forward to a good swim after 2 weeks of physical inactivity. the sensation of water passing over me is akin to the washing away of my issues and troubles, and the physical exertion calms my turbulent thoughts somewhat. and of course it keeps me healthy and looking good la. haha.

so i just went back to hall, changed and went for a jog. and i realised my thighs have become so gargantuan my shorts keep inching up when i run. irritating! thought back abt when i ran so much a few years back, i sustained a knee ligament injury and could no longer participate in impact sports. this led to me discovering my true passion in swimming and bowling - goes to show.. things do happen for a reason. and they may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. only that u may not see it to be at the moment. so.. dun complain or engage in self-pity, that's the moral of the story.

then took a random nap. haha really enjoy just sleeping despite not feeling like i need to. it's just a cheap thrill i know but can't help but indulge in it. haha.

both my outings were postponed to sat! so had alot more time to slack. went to chat with random pple, then to the gym with insung. i still dun see the point of doing gym regularly. what's so gratifying about those exercises. looking good? keeping fit? i can easily just participate in normal sports which offer much more in terms of team cohesion and coordination improvement and do similarly well, if not better. i understand if it's the means to an end, say, building certain muscle grps for various sports, but in itself? it's just a time-consuming activity for narcissistic people who have nothing better to do yet wish to appear otherwise. ok i realise i'm being quite harsh here. ha.

okies.. just started planning for outings and catch-up sessions. tml shall be cleanup and packing day, de-cluttering of my laptop and looking up on courses and such online. then some family time in the evening. haven't been home for ages! and everyday's exercise day too of course.

alot of stuff to read up on this hols. in prep for my sch attachment, partly. need to get my mathematics fundamentals up to scratch too. should stop avoiding it. sighh and i resolve not to touch any games this hols. especially RPG ones. too time-consuming and absorbing. enjoyable, yet not exactly productive.

okies to sleep alr! tml will be a great day :)

thanks

both of us have exams tml yet u accomodated me for such a much-needed chat. must thank you for that. really needed it. i'm sure the time you spent was time otherwise spent studying and i'm apologetic for it. but the time spent, for me, it means more quality time studying and not thinking abt stuff. now that everything is clearer. sometimes it just takes an observer to point out certain stuff.

me emotional, you said. and to think i prided myself for being rational. haha.

it's helpful to have someone re-confirm your ideas and debunk them if they're absurd. one wouldn't know oneself otherwise. and it really feels reassuring to know someone cares. and who somewhat has gone through the same stage in life.

okies. and hell. i haven't started studying. ohwells at least i had some sleep just now. sighs dun think i can sleep again tonight. jiayous myself! :)

last paper tml!

Government & Politics.

did surprisingly well given it was the paper i studied least for. i could s/u it so it was the sacrificial paper. but regret not putting in more effort in it as the content was that which i would read up in my free time, and reading for an exam is always more productive than for one's leisure. more tangible benefits too.

the first paper in NUS which i wrote non-stop till my fingers ached like hell. given i dun have the habit of writing fillers or nonsense, it's definitely a good sign.

but i din really enjoy not sleeping to study for it. quite a tiring experience. should have been like alvyn and gim and put in regular effort. dunno why deb could still remain so alert and chirpy after the paper despite sleeping even lesser than me. perhaps cos it's her last paper haha.

last one tml and it's a cheatsheet paper. the lecturer is gg to throw predictable qns to copy from the cheatsht again i guess, from test experience. so even tho i dun uds the physics well, should still do fine. ha. feeling kinda slack now. hmm let's perservere on for this last paper!

some things just don't change, do they. haha.

yelloww

whenever i feel too stressed with work, i look at it, read it.

it cheers me up straightaway. tells me to perservere. not to give up.

such a seemingly insignificant note. yet so meaningful to me.

really appreciate the gesture.

even tho it wasn't exactly a spontaneous one. haha.

ok 2 more to go. all the way.

mis-comm

i was reading the latest entry and thinking.. hey looks like referring to me lehz. kinda puzzled cos haven't done anything on purpose to antagonise her. seriously have other more pressing issues on my mind. and it's the exam period. where got so free do this kind of stuff.

hmm then i saw my own latest entry, esp the 1st para, and i realised. sigh. i don't intentionally write it for a purpose. just my feelings at the moment. ignore it or simply not read it, that is your choice. i really don't consider what others may feel when i'm blogging. after all, i'm not blogging to create an impression, more of letting of steam and letting close friends know how i'm getting along and doing.

ok. but i do apologise. i don't intend it that way, nor do i write to prove my point, but others are bound to misintepret. and esp now that i read it myself, it really appears like i'm digging into the past and looking for trouble intentionally. i'm feeling better than i ever had for a long while, in fact content and happy now, having sorted things out, but everyone's privy to a little emotional outburst and reminiscence now and then, right?

miscommunication occurs time to time, esp in the written form.

concern

just as a friend now, but nonetheless it's there. really hope she's doing fine. despite the evidence that she's doing much better than me, in a way i doubt if she's found what she sought. the cycle just seems to go on and on, doesn't it? please. do take your time before making a decision, especially ones as momentous as those.

falling in fast - much unlike myself. falling out fast, yet slow in a certain case - much like myself. for certain matters, only one can resolve it oneself . no amount of advice or help would matter, for in a way, one already knows how to. it's just a matter of mustering the courage to actually carry it out.

wormy told me the other day during our weekly supper: sometimes a book does look good on the shelf, shrink-wrapped. but once you've purchased it and seen it for what it really is, somehow it isn't as desirable as it once was. no, his point wasn't the purchased book, but the shrink-wrapped one on the shelf.

(note: edited use of word 'you' - 6/5)

pri sch class outing!

primary school class outing! haha when manchi invited me to a facebook grp i thought it would just be another grp i would simply join, participate in for a while and grow bored of. afterall so many attempts to meet up have resulted in naught. ha...

but msn-ing with the pple really has been a fun thing - used to spend time during recesses playing catching or soccer, competing to see who could eat the fastest or do the most turns on the spot b4 falling down (lol!), and talking inane crap abt pokemon and ninja turtles. and now we're talking academic stuff, future ambitions and personal issues! 11 years does change pple. but of course. hahahaha.

so we're tentatively gg to meet on the 7th after my last paper. hmm but i'm supposed to go clubbing with the flag pple lehz. ahh dilys dun blame me if i pang say.. i can meet u pple anytimes kies! and i'm sure we all can spend more time together doing karung guni - i just joined flag again as an advisor :)

ahhh my hols this time is really gg to be packed. 1 mth of MOE attachment, a taiwan trip with my dear friends to celebrate our 10 years of friendship (supposedly) and finally i'm gg to brush up on trg - really gg to fight for teamNUS in swimming and bowling next yr. and i shall master guitar so that i can play for someone and go back to xenbar to dance (or rather socialise haha) again. yayyyss hopefully i can achieve everything, and more!

emo blogging

yes i realise i have been going on and on abt negative stuff and i'm sounding oh so emo and all. my life isn't all that sad and depressing actually. sweet acts by wonderful pple lift my mood so very often and life is doing good at the moment. at least i don't have chronic health, family or financial-related issues to deal with.

i'm fortunate enough to only have to deal with myself, my academics, my family and friends and the occasional emotional issue. i can't say it's entirely good too, but why belittle what good one has been blessed with just because of its innate implications?

blogging shows up your immediate, unfiltered emotions for all to see, and therefore doesn't necessary mean things are really that bad. it's impulsive thoughts and feelings without rational justification most times, and shouldn't be taken too seriously. it does, however, show a certain extent of indication of one's thought process, though. there can be no fire without the initial flame.

reducing (adding H, removing O)

to reduce asking.

to reduce wanting.

i finally understand what it means. albeit in a different context as when i first saw it.

i'm learning how to. gradually. less disappointment, less hurt. more meaning and purpose in my life than trivial emotional matters that never could be resolved simply.

retaking

for the first time i ever had this feeling of having to retake a module. i mean, how hard is it to get a F grade. as long as u have some rudimentary knowledge it should suffice, wouldn't it? nope. not for this certain module. yes. quantum mechanics.

the notations are horrendously abstract and numerous and the concepts hard to grasp. but honestly i din really put in effort until the very end so i can't say much. only that this was one module i couldn't handle with a last-ditch effort. i got the main thrust of the content and its applications by the exam, but screwed the 30% CA grade. by a lot.

if it had been a bell-curve system, i wouldn't have been too worried. but there're only 19 students this sem and the lecturer assured me that he would be all too glad to fail half the class if need be, only so that they won't suffer in higher-level modules. and that he was allowed to. benevolent, indeed.

shucks. oh wells. let's just study hard for my other modules. after this horrendous few weeks of focussing on such abstract and mind-wracking content, reading up on stuff like thermodynamics and physical chemistry will actually prove to be interesting; political science should be therapeutic. hehh.

tired

no it's not the studying i'm tired of. it's the constant thinking of trivial stuff. it's unacceptable, at this time especially. i can't forgive myself for it but yet i can't help but doing so. have been thinking abt it all after that dinner with sis in which she mentioned some stuff.

not totally unexpected, but yet it still affected me. a lot.

i'm not sure if it's partly due to the exam stress, but i'm really feeling tired of it. does it matter at all, i've been beginning to wonder recently. but i can't help but do, give, offer, converse. why care so much if the other party doesn't. it's been so long.

i'm still willing to wait, to try. but it all seems so futile. i feel helpless. sometimes effort isn't all that important, especially if it's misguided; a misaligment of desires.

i think i'll just let it go for now, and think about it after the exams when everything can be seen in a clearer light and everyone is able to behave in a manner unaffected by the setting at the moment.

fave module

finally done with all tests and projects. i guess it's time to really focus on exam preps alr. really enjoyed the last lec ytd.. my ES2007S module. it's been my fave module to date; really find the content taught useful and applicable to daily situations, and the lecturer is like eons more engaging than those lecturers from science who appear to speak thin air and enunciate words like they have mentos in their mouths. the small group size of 20 really did help in bonding all of us in a way and i must say i really did enjoy gg for every lesson (which is quite a statement, coming from a degenerate student like me haha)

did find it quite a touching sight that more than a few of us brought cameras to take pictures at the very end, and i did my part by compiling the contacts and organising the layout of the pple for the grp shot. the latter's kind of a habit now after so many years of events and sports photography. really hope my future students will value my lessons and their classmates just half as much as our module peeps does; it'll be a personal achievement for me indeed then.

less than a week before my 1st exam. and still worried abt my dumb quantum physics module. from what i heard from the lecturer, 10 out of 19 students in the cohort currently holds a failing grade for the 2 tests of 15% each thus far; the mark distribution being 2 upward-facing humps with the zero points at 0, 50 and 100. i guess for physics, it's a case of whether you see the physical meaning in the abstract concepts, formulas and symbols. if u can't do it, u likely will never be able to do it. hehh. hopefully i can make it!

inability

i'm disgusted by my inability to put aside trivial thoughts out of my mind and simply focus on work. i will therefore pen them down and begone with them till the end of the exams on the 7th. was just talking to my friend who happened to pop by my room for a chat which invariably veered towards r/ship issues towards the end. afterall we did share similar situations and i guess it was the key issue we wanted to discuss and let out so as to better rid our mind of.

apparently he had assumed i had set sights on others and wished to offer his help. no, i assured him; i wish i could. first i have to seek closure with a certain someone. i guess avoiding the issue wun help. it never did after so long and i doubt it will. avoiding the person's harder; i dun exactly find it hard not having contact with her for a few days at a go unlike before. but still, it's not an ideal situation. it'll be really quite unfair to the person i'm gg after or am with in the future.

one of the hardest questions i ever had to answer 'what will you do if she shows signs of liking you whilst we're together?' no, i wasn't lying when i gave you my reply. i never did try cos i knew i would be discovered in a moment. but it was with much hesitation. it doesn't matter now, tho. all i can say is that there was no-one else in my mind when we were together.

advice from a senior hall-stayer and a mutual friend: she sure is likeable and it's not exactly your fault for liking her despite everything, but i'd think it wise to clarify matters with her. at least to clear the air and doubts about each other since it should be quite obvious to her after all this while, yet she has to give you the benefit of the doubt due to your lack of concrete action.

hmm but i shall put aside all this thoughts aside immediately after this post till after the 7th, or even later. doubt the outcome will change should i delay it till after that. feel that some things are meant to happen. just like the 1st time i met you; i felt then you would be someone special to me in my life. my view on that has never once wavered since then, nor do i see it to be anything otherwise in the near future. be it mutual or not, it doesn't matter. you have shown me how it's like to know someone and truly like them for what they are, even down to the minute details and the flaws which seem so insignificant. i doubt i'll ever fall for someone as i did for you ever again, such is the person that you are.

hidden

certain words carry with them a hidden meaning, certain people contain within them hidden feelings. thoughts as well, can be hidden, be it for the evident benefit of oneself or simply for others. even as i seem to express everything on this blog, there is one thing I would never say, or even think of hinting at (no, i doubt this entry hints at it much).

some things were meant to happen, some choices were meant to be made. when i look back, i feel i've made decent choices by following my heart, guided by my rationality and inhibited by my conscience. sometimes, you just have to make a conscious choice to seem to make a conscious choice. it's the only way to go.

life is never that simple even as I wish it to be and act like it is.