guy dinner

a dinner with the guys was never gg to be a quiet affair. made our presence all too well-known with the occasional guffaw and loud bawdy laughter amidst our more measured and civilised conversations about our experiences. really feel at ease with this motley bunch i've known since sec sch days. all so different, yet so connected as one.

so our resident hermit john's been quite active in the dating arena. got to know his gal at the CC study rm of all places. apparently she accidentally looked at the reflection of him relieving himself in the toilet when she walked past, apologised when they were alone in the study rm, and things just progressed from there.

holding hands on the 1st date, being constantly together since then. and she's leaving for the US for work-and-travel. despite her requests for them to get together before that, john's refusing to commit himself, telling her that he's not ready yet and to look out for someone better overseas. why, we asked him. it isn't everyday that you find a gal that likes and accepts you for what you are.

his reason: i dun like her as much as the gal whom i used to like alot, and i'm not really motivated to do stuff on her behalf as compared to the former. think it's unfair to her if this goes on. it benefits me definitely but my conscience tells me otherwise. even though i may never find someone who likes me this much.

guess it's a common dilemma for many.

always been the link and quiet listener in the grp, never really imposing myself on the conversation except when i feel like it or when it's required, yet maintaining presence and being the closest to most of them. accepted myself for what i am now. sometimes, i don't entirely like being the passive one, but it's what i really am and there's a need for someone to play my role.

wormy gives the alpha male and players' advice, jieren the cynical view, dan's more into flings so he couldn't offer anything constructive, and me with my typical nice-guy approach, tempered by experience and abit of acquired knowledge. but the common agreement - go with the flow, and dun be hampered by past failures and self-fulfilling prophecies. things will work out (or not) as they happen.

and they just happened to comment that i've changed alot since my sec sch days. alot more involved and less indifferent, and expressing one's views more often and forcefully. wormy was the only one who begged to differ. and with good reason. i had been always like that. it's only that i hadn't warmed up sufficiently with them yet. i never did so readily - not exactly distrust, but acceptance on both sides is the key to most pple like myself being able to open up.

believe i'm the only one left amongst them to not really accept oneself totally yet. still need to improve certain key facets of myself. i know how to, at least. it'll be a tough process but i hope i'll face up to it. i need to. if only for my own sake.