visiting e doc

fell sick recently (after the flag slumber party lol) due to insufficient rest and went to UHWC to see e doc. the one who's always attended to me since the matriculation check-up. and as usual he was his typical caring, philosophical, chatty self. talked abt life and various issues in depth. somehow he's kind of a psychologist to me. haha.

a really good piece of advice he gave me: allocate urself some solitude time to do ur own stuff w/o feeling guilty; in so rediscover and be at peace with yourself. happiness originates from within you; should you ever need to derive it from others, you need to take some time off to ask yourself why. another one which i'm totally guilty of: learn to say no, even to those you truly care abt and wish to help.

of course i got my MC too, very essential since i took a day off my school attachment. and i left the room with a book on meditation and life quotes (given free of charge), as well as myriad thoughts coursing through my cluttered mind. i need some quality time alone.

'fish-net' guys?

read this on xiaobai's blog, and found it kinda interesting. think most guys are like that to a certain extent (seriously). with the exception of those i feel are totally indifferent or blissfully ignorant abt r/ship issues, of course. lest someone feel that i'm putting guys down in general, i'll just analyse the issue with regards to mine and close friends' experiences.

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FISH NET GUYS

have u heard of fish-net guys? this was what they would do... *RED ALERT*

he, would go around acting nice to gals 1st.(u know.. like hold e door for em, jokes around, console em when they were sad)

any guy worth his salt would know better than to NOT do the above. esp at the start where it's make or break. even if he's not interested at all in the gals in question. being nice in general to make more friends and generate goodwill, albeit consciously, is always a good thing and isn't exactly hard to perpetuate. and it helps put one on a better platform from which to operate (i'm speaking for others, not myself k) should it prove necessary in the future.

then, he would start to "zero" in to that gal by smsing her daily and ask her out, making her feel special. well, obviously e gal would thought that that guy had probably fallen for her.

this just seems like a typical scenario in which you feel someone is worth knowing better, and you're willing to expend time and effort into the process of sms-ing, talking and gg out with him/her. i do it with guys too so i dun really see the big fuss in asking more than a single gal out at any given moment. it's the intention which matters, not just the action itself.

but later, she found out that that guy was fish netting = rounded up all e fishes that he was interested in and fish out e one that either accepted him in e end or he thought was e most suitable for him. so what did it imply? it implied that he was nice to ALOT of gals.. not jus u.. silly gal...

hmm i think this is just a warped interpretation of the general case of a guy getting together with a girl. a typical guy has a considerable number of female friends, from which he might feel that one is exceptionally attractive and is similarly attracted to him. getting together would consequently be natural, and not at all contrived or manipulative as the above suggests.

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but i can't deny that 'fish-net' guys do exist. no doubt about that.

dance and wii

last week of dance lessons. it's been superb so far. meeting new pple. gg out with them. potential friendships that could actually last beyond the activity itself. and i've learnt alot from gg out with some of them. both from the things they say and a bit of objective introspection on my part abt what i perpetuate when in their presence. constantly learning from experiences and improving myself.

false hope. it's one thing that should never be given freely, if at all. and i'm very careful when treading into this territory. delaying sms replies. not picking up late-night calls on purpose. limiting meet-ups if necessary. it's important to know where to draw the line; i'm a firm believer of the saying 'what goes around, comes around'.

ohhh and i found someone who's into science fiction and gaming. a female at that. it really quite turned me on when she talked abt them with passion and enthusiasm. haha. obviously i din leave it at that, and asked her out for a WII session at cineleisure e2max. tried out the motion sensing technology for the 1st time, playing virtual tennis, bowling, boxing as well as the acclaimed mariokart game. had a smashing time!

evaluation

flag comm just had an evaluation exercise today. one side being categories like leadership, competency etc, with a rating scale of 1-5, the other side being for comments if necessary. was busy with my sch attachment and extremely tired after it, but travelled all the way to provide advice and assistance should they require any.

at the end they passed out the evaluation forms and i looked at the comments side. "can take charge and lead when required", "always give critical advice when everyone is lost", "able to connect well with everyone and offers constructive advice" etc. just as i expected.

then i looked at the points side. hmm.. communication skills being 4.2 and an average of 3.8 for the rest. quite decent, i thought. then i saw the points for ethel. average of 4.4 for everything. alright. i'd rank her 5 for virtually every category anyways if i had participated earlier. but then i noticed certain others (esp gals) getting averages of 4.0. and i seriously doubt the authenticity of their leadership and competency skills. they barely spoke during meetings and their paperwork was acceptable at best.

had a gruelling jog b4 mtg kelvyn for dinner; din want to spoil the mood as i was already having a perpetually annoyed expression. did not feel like talking abt it as i felt it would seem i was complaining abt a fact which 14 others had agreed on. but as the conversation ensued, it came out quite naturally.

ok it's quite natural for girls to buffer each other and prevent one another from getting low scores (in this case the lowest was 3), and the fact is that guys typically take score objectively - should i dislike someone immensely on a personal level but if he/she was capable, i wouldn't hesitate to put a 5.

thinking back, i guess it's a good thing i actually felt upset over it all. had i been indifferent, it would have showed just how little effort i had invested and how much i had sacrificed for the cause. the purpose of the evaluation was primarily meant to show one in which area his strengths and weaknesses lied, but it seems to me that the main outcome for some is that they'll feel somewhat discredited by it. as if all their hard work was not recognised.

of course one has to take into account that as an advisor, i consciously kept my opinions to myself until the last min so as to allow others to learn them themselves, or did things behind the scenes to facilitate issues. for now, let's just focus on my attachment and my other pressing issues for now. after i finish my script and the filming that is. then i'll be free from it till the 24th.

3rd - ended

yesterday was the 3rd. somehow i feel glad it's gg better and faster than i expected, but i still have my doubts. was mentioning to a few of my close friends that it's just like the other time, but with the roles reversed this time. the similarities in the process is extremely uncanny. and worrying. i really have no wish for it to end the same way too. it's the 1st time i'm doing it the 'proper' way and hopefully it's the last. i'm kinda tired of it all. it all feels kinda empty despite the immediate kick you get whilst doing it.