first

tml's the first; will determine if anything is meant to be. i really want to move on in this aspect of my life; hence the decision to not want to continue in hall. albeit it's mostly due to my studies. i've really got to justify my being a scholarship holder. and realise that it's not just a series of chores but a meaningful learning process.

jealousy is a good indicator of how much u like someone, i've always felt. and the intensity of it has abated much since then. it had to, i guess. sometimes i felt i tried my best. but sometimes i wonder, did i set myself up to fail by thinking negatively and protecting myself from potential rejections. i might have. i seldom am confused as to how i'm thinking, introspective as i am, but in this case i cannot help but concede defeat. either way, it's time to move on.

and recently i've been reading a book on shyness. supposedly i'm a non-shy introvert. i've always felt i was shy all this while, you know, the social awkwardness and all. but events that's transpired has made me suspect that it's just a cover-up for me being boring, uncaring and all. after all, it's normal to want to attribute my failings to a known condition rather than a lack of effort on my part.

i'm doubting things about myself i thought to be so very evident back then. but at least i know i'm on the right track. from the way i treat others, and from the way pple respond to me. at the very least, i know i'm better off than those who have no idea how screwed-up they are, or those that are resigned to what they currently are. i was both, and i know i ain't either now. i guess that's a good start.

exercise

haven't really pushed my physical limits for a long long while; been doing it very often nowadays tho. the feeling of being about to collapse any moment (or drowning if in the pool), the constant urge to let the fatigued body take a rest, the sensation of being unable to catch one's breath and the oh-so-sweet taste of cold water at the very end.

one really has to put in work to obtain something before he/she truly appreciates it, i guess.

badminton sessions from midnight till 3am in the morning in hall. continuously, with different opponents, sometimes against 2 at once. not that i'm good but that it's hard to find decent players during the vacation period.

and if there's just one mediocre player, i'll have to resort to using my opponent-no-move tactic which involves me returning shots such that the opponent never has to move more than one step at a time. at least i can train my accuracy, and perhaps my endurance if he/she has sufficient ability to place his/her shots.

before that, the gym sessions after the cross trainings at west coast park. 20m sprints followed by 40m jogs alternately for 2/3 sets of roughly 1.2km each is a killer. the gym exercises serve to build muscle tone and increase my basal metabolic rate. still hate gym tho.

and of course my favourite activity: swimming in the afternoon. the ultimate exercise, i like to advocate and promote to my cynical friends. really hope i'll be able to attain a lifeguard certification sometime soon. wish to be able to teach swimming proper to kids sometime in the near future, besides just physics and chemistry to my future students.