first

tml's the first; will determine if anything is meant to be. i really want to move on in this aspect of my life; hence the decision to not want to continue in hall. albeit it's mostly due to my studies. i've really got to justify my being a scholarship holder. and realise that it's not just a series of chores but a meaningful learning process.

jealousy is a good indicator of how much u like someone, i've always felt. and the intensity of it has abated much since then. it had to, i guess. sometimes i felt i tried my best. but sometimes i wonder, did i set myself up to fail by thinking negatively and protecting myself from potential rejections. i might have. i seldom am confused as to how i'm thinking, introspective as i am, but in this case i cannot help but concede defeat. either way, it's time to move on.

and recently i've been reading a book on shyness. supposedly i'm a non-shy introvert. i've always felt i was shy all this while, you know, the social awkwardness and all. but events that's transpired has made me suspect that it's just a cover-up for me being boring, uncaring and all. after all, it's normal to want to attribute my failings to a known condition rather than a lack of effort on my part.

i'm doubting things about myself i thought to be so very evident back then. but at least i know i'm on the right track. from the way i treat others, and from the way pple respond to me. at the very least, i know i'm better off than those who have no idea how screwed-up they are, or those that are resigned to what they currently are. i was both, and i know i ain't either now. i guess that's a good start.