packed mon

met cherlyn at her MCYS workplace today. super tiring la. went to the temp chinatown food centre from hall to pack nice food for our lunch, only to discover it'd moved finally. why couldn't it have just moved abit later. ohwells. so i had to walk to the new venue. then take a train from chinatown to toapayoh. then attempt to walk the 25 journey to MCYS, only to give up halfway and hail a cab. seriously it's alot of trouble la! haha.

then ethel to get her tennis racket for herself and a badminton racket for father's day. must be nice to my potential tennis kakis since i just picked it up recently. and fellow beginners are always great to know better. hehh. she's like her in many senses.. only that their areas of interest are diffferent. one more inclined towards culture, the other sports.

oh finally charmaine for pool (coaching). by this time i was kinda tired out alr. but fortunately our friendship's such that it's stable enough to handle my drifting off at times. hahaha. but doing activities and my natural tendency to want to correct helped me stay alert throughout. during dinner a random qn she asked caught me offguard (i dun usually get caught offguard cos i predict conversations b4 they begin haha).

charm: how would you respond if i said i was interested in you?
me (totally waking up): ehh.. i wun respond, not on the spot. not even to the gal i really like. so.. yeah. haha.
charm: dun misunderstand. i just wanted to get ur opinion cos i have this female friend who really likes this guy and confessed to him.
me: yeah. i figured. i knew no-one would like a person like me. wish someone would ask someday tho. hahaha.
charm: it's like the first time i ever heard u put yourself down!

ohwells. it's not everyday i get asked this question out of the blue. of course i'm allowed a few moments of stunned silence and incoherence in speech. hehh.

busy week

this entire week has been a busy one indeed. mostly flag stuff like industrial and recycling collections. and catchups with friends. hmm. basically i don't really recall a time where i had time to watch TV, play games, or watch DVDs. so i guess it was quite a productive week.

met deb at times marina square whilst i was browsing thru e books there. normally i dun realli like being disturbed randomly whilst i'm reading but this was really a pleasant surprise. hehh. was abt to get a b-day gift for peilee w her but her friends had already arrived for their sec sch gathering. hmmmm. ohwells. then rushed off for my 2nd jive and tango class.

of which was quite eventful. hehhh.

OP comm supper was totally fun. every grp of 6 to make 3 dishes out of an assortment of random ingredients, making 12 dishes in total. supposedly to bond FWOC, flag and rag comm pple, but i din care much abt that, heh. and i realised that just by voicing one's opinions rapidly without thinking too much and in a enthusiastic and engaging manner with eye contact gives pple the impression that one actually knows what to do.

discovered xiaobai was a feb 29 baby. so u just turned 5 this year? u sure are mature for your age haha, i commented. and as expected, she did watch the movie leap years. obviously. haha. then initiated playing touch rugby with a cabbage after someone commented it looked like a football. how childish can i get man.

also met the HQ guys for our annual gathering. reached there late despite being the organiser. furthermore i had happily forgotten to reserve seats at waraku. friday night somemore. ohno, i realised on the taxi. alighted outside waraku then called dickson.

me: sorry i was held up dude. where're u guys man!
dickson: oh at the same place as last year lor. the rm inside waraku.
me: ohhh that's great. coming coming! give me a min.

and i scoured the entire waraku for a good 5 mins, and i couldn't spot them. could be another hidden rm which i haven't seen before, i thought then. so i decided to just call and humbly ask again. michael this time since dickson din pick up straightaway.

me: ehh shit man where're u guys. bluff me la. where got at the same rm.
mike: oh we're sitting somewhere else. hey i see you!
me: really? (turning ard and trying to spot someone familiar)
mike: we're to your 2 o'clock! see us waving towards you?
me: eh still can't see lehs. u come over lead me there la.
mike: bluff you one! we're at Burger King! (laughter in background)

guys, indeed. totally annoying. haha.

phone conversation

hmm recently i've been worried abt being overly concerned abt a friend of mine (yes i know that sounds wrong). my view is that i don't even want to risk having a girl i'm not attracted to getting positive vibes for me. experienced the inverse twice before and the feeling sucks.

so i was telling myself, the next time she calls i'm gonna ignore it. and msg her the next morn saying i was asleep the previous night. then the phone rang. and i picked it up. i have to admit, i didn't expect a teary, broken voice.

apparently, she had just broken up with her b/f. for the next 3 hrs, it was a long journey of emphathising and consoling. it was especially hard given i could barely make out what the hell she was trying to say, given her distraught state and voice. and it isn't exactly polite to say 'say again' or 'can u repeat that' or anything that has that meaning too many times.

so i ended up just feeling the emotion of the words and reacting accordingly with short affirmations to assure her i was listening. or paraphrasing the last few words of her sentences and repeating it occasionally. no choice la. but i think it was more than sufficient to placate her.

sometimes i wonder what guys do on the phone when they're getting bored during an excessively long conversation. esp tempting if it's basically a monologue.

relationships.. it has to be 2-way. if it's just about one party putting in effort and the other just accepting, or even the typical guy-chase-gal-gal-get-touched-and-get-together thingy, i doubt it'll work out in the long term. oh wells. let's just let nature take its course.

nussnb

hmm had been wanting to check out the SNB dances ever since i was a freshie but just couldn't find the time to get to it. so it was a good thing one of my freshies asked me to join as her friends couldn't make it and she din want to join alone. readily agreed as i wanted to see how it was like. and furthermore it would allow my hols to be more diversified.

oh so as usual it was more gals than guys (25:15 roughly). superb cos i get to dance without the hassle of waiting for dance partners. no it's not cos i have more to choose from; quality, not quantity. but first the basic steps for jive and tango.

spent bulk of the 1st lesson individually infront of e mirror mirroring the instructor whilst he taught the basic steps. everyone seemed alright and comfortable with it initially.. but when we did it with music and at a faster pace, i couldn't help but notice from e reflections that alot of them were having trouble catching up. even gals. ok i'm of the view that typically gals pick up dance faster than guys.

and as usual i was happily standing at e front looking at myself dance. well at least i don't look half-bad. then e instructor mentioned smth along the line of "beginners always tend to hide at the back so those at the back row pls come to the front". rubbish lorz. it's like my very first attempt at this kinda dance. and i'm of the opinion that being able to see e instructor and ur reflection without obstruction always aids learning.

always ask my friends who refuse to swim or dance in e front row due to self-consciousness: do u notice and comment on the outstanding ones, the mediocre ones or the totally noobish ones? e answer is always the 1st or the last; if it's the 1st i reply that they've nothing to worry about cos they're new at it and no-one would take notice of them. if it's the last, i reply that those pple who actually notice and comment on those are not worth them being self-conscious of anyway.

oh and as usual i was engaged in non-dance activities in the midst of it all. not exactly active to the noted few, infact indifferent, as it's impt to create the impression that i'm more interested in dance and everyone in general, in order to create a better platform to operate from in future lessons. sometimes doing less means more. and ready availability is never appealing.

tiring!

it's been a long and tiring week. can't get even enough time for my papers, books and swimming which i initially placed a daily to-do priority on. and i haven't even started on all my trgs and settling of mundane stuff, nor am i spending too much time on gg out nor working.

it's been meeting after meeting and a myriad of fund-raising events for flag. feel those pple are really under pressure to perform given we broke the all-time record thise yr. haha not exactly as concerned as them. just there as an advisor to point out obvious discrepancies and to offer insight into issues. haha i bet my ex-flag comm pple would be amused and impressed at what i'm doing now.

joined late the last time and had little idea of what was gg on, so just focussed on my area of expertise and did it well. din bother to know nor contribute to other areas much nor gave many constructive opinions abt general issues. quite content then to just do my part and relax and sit back during meetings haha. so different now! not that i want to speak up and be heard but so many things are so glaring that i can't help but comment and offer advice. but of course my appointment also gives me pressure to do more and be more active la. hahaha.

and i recently picked up ice-skating! haha. figured out i'd learn it someday since i live so close to it and have been hanging out in that shopping mall since sec 1. better late than never since i'm still not that old haha. yes i do feel there's an unspoken age limit to certain activities. went with charm since she apparently din know how to ice skate too. haha i always prefer learning with someone together instead of gg with someone who can teach me. more fun mah. and the competition makes learning faster.

and i think i'm kinda a sucky person to learn stuff with initially. cos it seems in the rink that most pple who look 1st-timers always like hold hands and go together, and it seemed proper to follow the norm. but i happily ignored it most of the time like the many social norms i ignore. and i really focussed on the ice-skating, other than the occasional short conversation with charm whenever i skated close her. ehhh can talk in a proper setting later also mah. but ok la i thought i was kinda jerkish also.

really absorbed into my own mental state, trying to sync to and feel all the sensations from the feet up, varying the technique used every once in a while so as to discover the most appropriate one. mentally counting out to keep rhythm and prevent bad habits (say skating with short rapid steps) from forming out of comfort and complacency. observing others whilst taking short breaks. then trying to get the whole body to flow with the leg movements in complete fluid movements after i felt i had got the leg basics down pat.

sokie was right. it is easy for sportspeople to pick up new physical activities damn fast. but the limiting factor was the skates. just like when i was training from scratch last yr for rollerblading in the chingay festival. damn painful la. and my pain threshold is not really that low.

and i discovered i really can't socialise properly when i'm starting to learn something, esp sports-related stuff. too focussed on the task at hand to bother abt others, esp if i know they'll understand haha. alot friendlier when i was playing pool with her.. gave her lots of advice and tips on how to improve since she seemed like she wanted to. joked ard and just created open-ball chances for her on purpose at times. but when i discovered i was in danger of actually losing, i totally changed my mood and got down to the task. haha i bet pple watching would be amused at the sudden change in facial expression and general attitude. can't bear to lose even on purpose!

'll talk more tml cos i dun wanna create too long a post and have to wake early tml. have a mtg at 9 tml (haha gg to skip the event after that), moving my rm and shopping, then mtg peilee to pass her stuff. really need to allocate some time to myself to settle issues and for personal maintenance and relaxation. feel like i haven't been in sync with my inner self recently, with everything's that's been gg on.

blogs

one can really know a person thru his/her blog. not totally thru the content, but the writing style and pattern of expressing his/her thoughts, not to mention what he/she feels most for through the subconscious tendencies to emphasise it more.

finished up 5 months worth of blog entries recently in a sitting. took me a good 2 hrs even with my reading speed. it took that long cos she had the habit of droning on and writing exceptionally long and detailed entries. not entirely unlike me.

the more i read, i more i was amazed. and amused. shall not disclose in detail what i felt right here. just a feeling of kindredness i should say. a long-lost friend like you said? perhaps.

guy dinner

a dinner with the guys was never gg to be a quiet affair. made our presence all too well-known with the occasional guffaw and loud bawdy laughter amidst our more measured and civilised conversations about our experiences. really feel at ease with this motley bunch i've known since sec sch days. all so different, yet so connected as one.

so our resident hermit john's been quite active in the dating arena. got to know his gal at the CC study rm of all places. apparently she accidentally looked at the reflection of him relieving himself in the toilet when she walked past, apologised when they were alone in the study rm, and things just progressed from there.

holding hands on the 1st date, being constantly together since then. and she's leaving for the US for work-and-travel. despite her requests for them to get together before that, john's refusing to commit himself, telling her that he's not ready yet and to look out for someone better overseas. why, we asked him. it isn't everyday that you find a gal that likes and accepts you for what you are.

his reason: i dun like her as much as the gal whom i used to like alot, and i'm not really motivated to do stuff on her behalf as compared to the former. think it's unfair to her if this goes on. it benefits me definitely but my conscience tells me otherwise. even though i may never find someone who likes me this much.

guess it's a common dilemma for many.

always been the link and quiet listener in the grp, never really imposing myself on the conversation except when i feel like it or when it's required, yet maintaining presence and being the closest to most of them. accepted myself for what i am now. sometimes, i don't entirely like being the passive one, but it's what i really am and there's a need for someone to play my role.

wormy gives the alpha male and players' advice, jieren the cynical view, dan's more into flings so he couldn't offer anything constructive, and me with my typical nice-guy approach, tempered by experience and abit of acquired knowledge. but the common agreement - go with the flow, and dun be hampered by past failures and self-fulfilling prophecies. things will work out (or not) as they happen.

and they just happened to comment that i've changed alot since my sec sch days. alot more involved and less indifferent, and expressing one's views more often and forcefully. wormy was the only one who begged to differ. and with good reason. i had been always like that. it's only that i hadn't warmed up sufficiently with them yet. i never did so readily - not exactly distrust, but acceptance on both sides is the key to most pple like myself being able to open up.

believe i'm the only one left amongst them to not really accept oneself totally yet. still need to improve certain key facets of myself. i know how to, at least. it'll be a tough process but i hope i'll face up to it. i need to. if only for my own sake.

1st day (of hols haha)

today was a v slack day! sighss. cannot everyday like that la. abit the waste time la i feel. woke up at 7 as planned, had b/f, exchanged some smses with someone then felt abit nua cos was lying down whilst doing so. the next thing i knew, i was looking at the clock which said 1210pm! ohnos. cannot..

ah and the pple i usually disturb are either moving out or are flying overseas.. and all my activities only start next week. so decided i shouldn't stay in hall in the noon. went to JE library to check out books. it's been like so long since i could just revel in the joy of reading the stuff i like. then went to the teens section at the top level to peruse thru my mini-stack of books. feel so old! hahas.

then met my dear john and zc for a spot of bowling cum catchup. mainly cos to update them abt the gg ons of the other 2 of our supposedly close-knit 10 yr clique since i always make time such that i keep in close contact with both grps from diff schs during e sch term. haha.

since sec sch days i've always regarded john as the curse - everytime he joins in for bowling or pool sessions somehow i always tend to play alot shittier. no more! hehhh. but it isn't exactly fair nowadays esp since it's one of my my decent areas. all the balls had either too big or too tight holes, i was complaining. but ohwells. i just chose a big-holed 13-pounder and just employed a straight ball technique. no choice mah. din bring my own fingertip-drilled balls - how to throw a hook ball properly liddat!

haha but even tho the strike rate was predictably absymal, i ended up with a very sparable 1 or 2 pin combi which i easily converted every frame. like.. 159 and 175 for the 1st 2 games. was contemplating letting depressed john win the 3rd game and threw just 44 at the halfway point whilst he had ard 70. then he started getting cocky. oh whatever lorz. so i just did my best and beat him with a 126. he really can't complain if he can't even beat a 126 lol. hehh.

butter chicken floss waffle from prima deli. it's really quite good. a must-try. yesss random i know :)

wanted to stay over at john's to watch movies overnight and chat but i was feeling kinda tired and wanted to go home and bond with family. and play with my ham and bacon (hamstersss!). so cute! love them to bitsss.

feels really good to just read my newspapers in little hurry whilst eating supper and drinking ice milo. haha. the simple pleasures of life. so i'm meeting the JC dudes at Lot1 1630 and the entire sec sch gang at 2000 JP. after a nice leisurely (somehow i think it'll be otherwise haha) swim at NTU in the noon whilst tanning and reading my books :)

and tml's my g-ma's b-day i just realised. oh mans. and i already made plans. sighh shall make her a nice card tml and give her a warm hug and birthday wishes b4 i leave for my swim tml. should suffice i hope! ok la. hopefully. hehh. think anything from her fave grandchild would be sufficient but i'm not gg to be complacent here. hahaha.

exams ended!

the entire night before my last paper was a surreal one. at least to myself la. really in a state of relaxed focus throughout. just wanting to learn and understand out of one's own volition and not getting distracted over issues or wishing to indulge in other activities. can't remember that feeling since i stepped out of JC. yes i haven't exactly been in the proper state of academic mind for the past few sems. it's sad to say that. haha.

a small and pleasant surprise, awhile before my paper. realised thus that the unexpected really accentuates the emotions felt. been too predictable all the while. not holding back or taking a small step back at times, nor controlling the urges or timings of actions necessarily.

the paper was surprisingly easy - estimated 80 odd marks. i commented to my physics friends that if pple like me who din come for lecs nor tuts, studied little, din do my own cheatsheet and entered the exam venue late thought it was very do-able, it must have been damn easy indeed. true enough, i think most pple are getting full marks for it. sianssss. to hell with the bell-curve system.

was quite surprised when weilin mentioned alot of stuff i did that i din exactly find worth noticing or din think she'd know, esp since i hadn't spent much time with the group this sem. apparently they still kept up to date with my happenings. and i can't thank them enough for all the help and concern they voluntarily offered me time to time. this sem was really a cui one academics wise, especially for my core mods. ha. was particularly impressed when she asked abt certain matters i kept from most, then i realised why when she said "sheena tells me everything". haha. the world IS a small one indeed.

and i was damn pissed when i went to the pool and there was this 'CLOSED' sign at the entrance. hello, it's not even raining yet. to hell with the weather forecasts. so looking forward to a good swim after 2 weeks of physical inactivity. the sensation of water passing over me is akin to the washing away of my issues and troubles, and the physical exertion calms my turbulent thoughts somewhat. and of course it keeps me healthy and looking good la. haha.

so i just went back to hall, changed and went for a jog. and i realised my thighs have become so gargantuan my shorts keep inching up when i run. irritating! thought back abt when i ran so much a few years back, i sustained a knee ligament injury and could no longer participate in impact sports. this led to me discovering my true passion in swimming and bowling - goes to show.. things do happen for a reason. and they may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. only that u may not see it to be at the moment. so.. dun complain or engage in self-pity, that's the moral of the story.

then took a random nap. haha really enjoy just sleeping despite not feeling like i need to. it's just a cheap thrill i know but can't help but indulge in it. haha.

both my outings were postponed to sat! so had alot more time to slack. went to chat with random pple, then to the gym with insung. i still dun see the point of doing gym regularly. what's so gratifying about those exercises. looking good? keeping fit? i can easily just participate in normal sports which offer much more in terms of team cohesion and coordination improvement and do similarly well, if not better. i understand if it's the means to an end, say, building certain muscle grps for various sports, but in itself? it's just a time-consuming activity for narcissistic people who have nothing better to do yet wish to appear otherwise. ok i realise i'm being quite harsh here. ha.

okies.. just started planning for outings and catch-up sessions. tml shall be cleanup and packing day, de-cluttering of my laptop and looking up on courses and such online. then some family time in the evening. haven't been home for ages! and everyday's exercise day too of course.

alot of stuff to read up on this hols. in prep for my sch attachment, partly. need to get my mathematics fundamentals up to scratch too. should stop avoiding it. sighh and i resolve not to touch any games this hols. especially RPG ones. too time-consuming and absorbing. enjoyable, yet not exactly productive.

okies to sleep alr! tml will be a great day :)

thanks

both of us have exams tml yet u accomodated me for such a much-needed chat. must thank you for that. really needed it. i'm sure the time you spent was time otherwise spent studying and i'm apologetic for it. but the time spent, for me, it means more quality time studying and not thinking abt stuff. now that everything is clearer. sometimes it just takes an observer to point out certain stuff.

me emotional, you said. and to think i prided myself for being rational. haha.

it's helpful to have someone re-confirm your ideas and debunk them if they're absurd. one wouldn't know oneself otherwise. and it really feels reassuring to know someone cares. and who somewhat has gone through the same stage in life.

okies. and hell. i haven't started studying. ohwells at least i had some sleep just now. sighs dun think i can sleep again tonight. jiayous myself! :)

last paper tml!

Government & Politics.

did surprisingly well given it was the paper i studied least for. i could s/u it so it was the sacrificial paper. but regret not putting in more effort in it as the content was that which i would read up in my free time, and reading for an exam is always more productive than for one's leisure. more tangible benefits too.

the first paper in NUS which i wrote non-stop till my fingers ached like hell. given i dun have the habit of writing fillers or nonsense, it's definitely a good sign.

but i din really enjoy not sleeping to study for it. quite a tiring experience. should have been like alvyn and gim and put in regular effort. dunno why deb could still remain so alert and chirpy after the paper despite sleeping even lesser than me. perhaps cos it's her last paper haha.

last one tml and it's a cheatsheet paper. the lecturer is gg to throw predictable qns to copy from the cheatsht again i guess, from test experience. so even tho i dun uds the physics well, should still do fine. ha. feeling kinda slack now. hmm let's perservere on for this last paper!

some things just don't change, do they. haha.

yelloww

whenever i feel too stressed with work, i look at it, read it.

it cheers me up straightaway. tells me to perservere. not to give up.

such a seemingly insignificant note. yet so meaningful to me.

really appreciate the gesture.

even tho it wasn't exactly a spontaneous one. haha.

ok 2 more to go. all the way.

mis-comm

i was reading the latest entry and thinking.. hey looks like referring to me lehz. kinda puzzled cos haven't done anything on purpose to antagonise her. seriously have other more pressing issues on my mind. and it's the exam period. where got so free do this kind of stuff.

hmm then i saw my own latest entry, esp the 1st para, and i realised. sigh. i don't intentionally write it for a purpose. just my feelings at the moment. ignore it or simply not read it, that is your choice. i really don't consider what others may feel when i'm blogging. after all, i'm not blogging to create an impression, more of letting of steam and letting close friends know how i'm getting along and doing.

ok. but i do apologise. i don't intend it that way, nor do i write to prove my point, but others are bound to misintepret. and esp now that i read it myself, it really appears like i'm digging into the past and looking for trouble intentionally. i'm feeling better than i ever had for a long while, in fact content and happy now, having sorted things out, but everyone's privy to a little emotional outburst and reminiscence now and then, right?

miscommunication occurs time to time, esp in the written form.

concern

just as a friend now, but nonetheless it's there. really hope she's doing fine. despite the evidence that she's doing much better than me, in a way i doubt if she's found what she sought. the cycle just seems to go on and on, doesn't it? please. do take your time before making a decision, especially ones as momentous as those.

falling in fast - much unlike myself. falling out fast, yet slow in a certain case - much like myself. for certain matters, only one can resolve it oneself . no amount of advice or help would matter, for in a way, one already knows how to. it's just a matter of mustering the courage to actually carry it out.

wormy told me the other day during our weekly supper: sometimes a book does look good on the shelf, shrink-wrapped. but once you've purchased it and seen it for what it really is, somehow it isn't as desirable as it once was. no, his point wasn't the purchased book, but the shrink-wrapped one on the shelf.

(note: edited use of word 'you' - 6/5)

pri sch class outing!

primary school class outing! haha when manchi invited me to a facebook grp i thought it would just be another grp i would simply join, participate in for a while and grow bored of. afterall so many attempts to meet up have resulted in naught. ha...

but msn-ing with the pple really has been a fun thing - used to spend time during recesses playing catching or soccer, competing to see who could eat the fastest or do the most turns on the spot b4 falling down (lol!), and talking inane crap abt pokemon and ninja turtles. and now we're talking academic stuff, future ambitions and personal issues! 11 years does change pple. but of course. hahahaha.

so we're tentatively gg to meet on the 7th after my last paper. hmm but i'm supposed to go clubbing with the flag pple lehz. ahh dilys dun blame me if i pang say.. i can meet u pple anytimes kies! and i'm sure we all can spend more time together doing karung guni - i just joined flag again as an advisor :)

ahhh my hols this time is really gg to be packed. 1 mth of MOE attachment, a taiwan trip with my dear friends to celebrate our 10 years of friendship (supposedly) and finally i'm gg to brush up on trg - really gg to fight for teamNUS in swimming and bowling next yr. and i shall master guitar so that i can play for someone and go back to xenbar to dance (or rather socialise haha) again. yayyyss hopefully i can achieve everything, and more!

emo blogging

yes i realise i have been going on and on abt negative stuff and i'm sounding oh so emo and all. my life isn't all that sad and depressing actually. sweet acts by wonderful pple lift my mood so very often and life is doing good at the moment. at least i don't have chronic health, family or financial-related issues to deal with.

i'm fortunate enough to only have to deal with myself, my academics, my family and friends and the occasional emotional issue. i can't say it's entirely good too, but why belittle what good one has been blessed with just because of its innate implications?

blogging shows up your immediate, unfiltered emotions for all to see, and therefore doesn't necessary mean things are really that bad. it's impulsive thoughts and feelings without rational justification most times, and shouldn't be taken too seriously. it does, however, show a certain extent of indication of one's thought process, though. there can be no fire without the initial flame.