reducing (adding H, removing O)

to reduce asking.

to reduce wanting.

i finally understand what it means. albeit in a different context as when i first saw it.

i'm learning how to. gradually. less disappointment, less hurt. more meaning and purpose in my life than trivial emotional matters that never could be resolved simply.

retaking

for the first time i ever had this feeling of having to retake a module. i mean, how hard is it to get a F grade. as long as u have some rudimentary knowledge it should suffice, wouldn't it? nope. not for this certain module. yes. quantum mechanics.

the notations are horrendously abstract and numerous and the concepts hard to grasp. but honestly i din really put in effort until the very end so i can't say much. only that this was one module i couldn't handle with a last-ditch effort. i got the main thrust of the content and its applications by the exam, but screwed the 30% CA grade. by a lot.

if it had been a bell-curve system, i wouldn't have been too worried. but there're only 19 students this sem and the lecturer assured me that he would be all too glad to fail half the class if need be, only so that they won't suffer in higher-level modules. and that he was allowed to. benevolent, indeed.

shucks. oh wells. let's just study hard for my other modules. after this horrendous few weeks of focussing on such abstract and mind-wracking content, reading up on stuff like thermodynamics and physical chemistry will actually prove to be interesting; political science should be therapeutic. hehh.

tired

no it's not the studying i'm tired of. it's the constant thinking of trivial stuff. it's unacceptable, at this time especially. i can't forgive myself for it but yet i can't help but doing so. have been thinking abt it all after that dinner with sis in which she mentioned some stuff.

not totally unexpected, but yet it still affected me. a lot.

i'm not sure if it's partly due to the exam stress, but i'm really feeling tired of it. does it matter at all, i've been beginning to wonder recently. but i can't help but do, give, offer, converse. why care so much if the other party doesn't. it's been so long.

i'm still willing to wait, to try. but it all seems so futile. i feel helpless. sometimes effort isn't all that important, especially if it's misguided; a misaligment of desires.

i think i'll just let it go for now, and think about it after the exams when everything can be seen in a clearer light and everyone is able to behave in a manner unaffected by the setting at the moment.

fave module

finally done with all tests and projects. i guess it's time to really focus on exam preps alr. really enjoyed the last lec ytd.. my ES2007S module. it's been my fave module to date; really find the content taught useful and applicable to daily situations, and the lecturer is like eons more engaging than those lecturers from science who appear to speak thin air and enunciate words like they have mentos in their mouths. the small group size of 20 really did help in bonding all of us in a way and i must say i really did enjoy gg for every lesson (which is quite a statement, coming from a degenerate student like me haha)

did find it quite a touching sight that more than a few of us brought cameras to take pictures at the very end, and i did my part by compiling the contacts and organising the layout of the pple for the grp shot. the latter's kind of a habit now after so many years of events and sports photography. really hope my future students will value my lessons and their classmates just half as much as our module peeps does; it'll be a personal achievement for me indeed then.

less than a week before my 1st exam. and still worried abt my dumb quantum physics module. from what i heard from the lecturer, 10 out of 19 students in the cohort currently holds a failing grade for the 2 tests of 15% each thus far; the mark distribution being 2 upward-facing humps with the zero points at 0, 50 and 100. i guess for physics, it's a case of whether you see the physical meaning in the abstract concepts, formulas and symbols. if u can't do it, u likely will never be able to do it. hehh. hopefully i can make it!

inability

i'm disgusted by my inability to put aside trivial thoughts out of my mind and simply focus on work. i will therefore pen them down and begone with them till the end of the exams on the 7th. was just talking to my friend who happened to pop by my room for a chat which invariably veered towards r/ship issues towards the end. afterall we did share similar situations and i guess it was the key issue we wanted to discuss and let out so as to better rid our mind of.

apparently he had assumed i had set sights on others and wished to offer his help. no, i assured him; i wish i could. first i have to seek closure with a certain someone. i guess avoiding the issue wun help. it never did after so long and i doubt it will. avoiding the person's harder; i dun exactly find it hard not having contact with her for a few days at a go unlike before. but still, it's not an ideal situation. it'll be really quite unfair to the person i'm gg after or am with in the future.

one of the hardest questions i ever had to answer 'what will you do if she shows signs of liking you whilst we're together?' no, i wasn't lying when i gave you my reply. i never did try cos i knew i would be discovered in a moment. but it was with much hesitation. it doesn't matter now, tho. all i can say is that there was no-one else in my mind when we were together.

advice from a senior hall-stayer and a mutual friend: she sure is likeable and it's not exactly your fault for liking her despite everything, but i'd think it wise to clarify matters with her. at least to clear the air and doubts about each other since it should be quite obvious to her after all this while, yet she has to give you the benefit of the doubt due to your lack of concrete action.

hmm but i shall put aside all this thoughts aside immediately after this post till after the 7th, or even later. doubt the outcome will change should i delay it till after that. feel that some things are meant to happen. just like the 1st time i met you; i felt then you would be someone special to me in my life. my view on that has never once wavered since then, nor do i see it to be anything otherwise in the near future. be it mutual or not, it doesn't matter. you have shown me how it's like to know someone and truly like them for what they are, even down to the minute details and the flaws which seem so insignificant. i doubt i'll ever fall for someone as i did for you ever again, such is the person that you are.

hidden

certain words carry with them a hidden meaning, certain people contain within them hidden feelings. thoughts as well, can be hidden, be it for the evident benefit of oneself or simply for others. even as i seem to express everything on this blog, there is one thing I would never say, or even think of hinting at (no, i doubt this entry hints at it much).

some things were meant to happen, some choices were meant to be made. when i look back, i feel i've made decent choices by following my heart, guided by my rationality and inhibited by my conscience. sometimes, you just have to make a conscious choice to seem to make a conscious choice. it's the only way to go.

life is never that simple even as I wish it to be and act like it is.

outlook

went to Chinatown for dilys' 21st ytd. the theme was tattoos. was searching the entire damn place with shiyun and michelle for a particular spray-on tattoo shop to little avail, when we chanced upon thyeheng and angel who happened to have found another one. sometimes things do turn out such that in the midst of finding something or someone, you just coincidentally chance upon something or someone similar, or even better. it happens at times. mostly when you least expect it.

walked past the dance studio which i used to patronise frequently back before i entered uni. memories materialised into images in my mind right then. the first time i was exposed to proper dance training. the first time i felt part of something i deemed a second home. the first time i learned how to look at a full-length mirror whilst dancing w/o feeling awkwardness. the first time i fell in love (infatuation i realised later on). the first time i had an interest not related to sports.

beginner and intermediate lessons mostly revolved around teaching of the basics and specific moves respectively. the instructors at the centre, the participants in a circle around them. the guys periodically switched partners in a clockwise direction, the purpose to expose themselves to different partners with invariably different feels and styles. keeping constant eye contact and a steady smile whilst dancing did prove to be quite impossible at the start, given my difficulty in even memorising the steps and also my discomfort with close contact and conversation with virtual strangers. but over the course of a few weeks, it all disapppeared and confidence became more than just a mere word.

it all felt so good, knowing so many people whilst having fun myself. everything seems to be so different now. somehow i just have a less positive outlook towards that. no longer spend time with just anyone, but selective ones. busyness with pertinent matters has meant that i have to narrow down, however unwillingly, the people i hang out and have meaningful conversations with.

it's obvious especially in hall, in which the way i treat people varies tremendously. for one grp, I actually bother to get to know better through conversations, be it online or face-face, and really open up and sincerely listen to. the other grp, i.e. the majority, it's basically perfunctory talk, the occasional smile and inaction on my part, partly to prevent them from wanting to know me better haha. well. choices have to be made. and i've made mine. compared to the advent when i treated everyone well and spread out my time with each of them too thinly, i should think i've made a better choice now.

randomness

really wish to say certain things right here.. but yet so afraid of getting misintepreted once again. it's been so long since we knew each other, and there's been so many fluctuations in either direction, though you might not have felt it. it's been almost 2 years since then, and i wish there'll be no more of that.. i'm tired of the various processes of trying to forget and ignore and wishing for more at times. content with what i have now. hope the plateau has been reached.

trust me when i say i'm satisfied with our current status. no longer hope for anything more than that; it's enough for me. i guess u can sense that i'm happy like this. feel regret that i'll no longer be able to do as much for you as i wish to in the future - you're truly the one i wish to see happy and do things for without feeling obliged to, even though i never once said it to you, and doubt i ever will. sometimes i feel it's ironic that i actually cared and felt for you much more than i did the one i was supposed to.

hmm seriously contemplating joining flag once again to once again feel the feeling of camaraderie and achievement. of course it helps that pple i'm close to are already in it, but somehow feel i should do something different this hols.. perhaps bolster certain knowledge in my field and teaching techniques before my school attachment in jul, get involved in more community-based projects, and finally go for the underwater diving course if possible. but some things are certain.. have to brush up on my guitar and dance again, as well as go for some driving refresher courses. haha.. already have plans for something a few months later. hope i'm well equipped and all goes well then :)

mutual respect is really the key aspect to maintaining a relationship, as quite a few friends have mentioned to me. think it's high time to get myself up to scratch before i even contemplate getting into anything. if i can't even respect or take care of myself i doubt i have the capability to care for or allow others to feel the same for me. for now, it's back to square one. me, my family and my friends. it's more than sufficient for the time being.

falling

i guess yesterday was the first time alot of frens witnessed me in an agitated state. insung, yeng: sorry for not allowing myself to cool down properly b4 i spoke to you pple. and to her: conflicting wants of wanting to share all my emotions and problems with you, compared to that of the joy/relief at seeing you and simply wanting to enjoy a conversation with you ensures that i never really know how to behave around you. thanks for everything nonetheless; u've made my hall stay truly worthwhile.

packed lunch with sokie at biz today and was walking down the stairs overlooking the 1st level of HSSML, when i inadvertently slipped and fell down quite a long flight of stairs. whatever the cause, be it my worn-out slippers or the wet surface, it din matter. my phone scattered in different parts over the ground. my lunch in shambles. blood seeping out of the fresh wounds. pain emanating from the bruises and possible sprains suffered. it din matter.

things happen. what matters is to react accordingly and pick oneself up.

i just sat there for a moment thinking of everything that i felt the previous night. if i had been given the choice to either feel that or fall a dozen more times on the spot, i would have readily chosen the latter. and more. the hurt and disappointment contained within me just flowed out in torrents then.

i slowly got up, commented wryly on the fact that i guess i wasn't meant to have lunch today, and assured sokie that i was fine with a smile; after all, the physical injuries and tangible losses din really matter to me then, and i din want her to worry unduly. went to wash up in the washroom, and as the tapwater gushed over my open wounds, the mixture of blood and water flowing into the sink gradually became less and less reddish, and more like typical clear water.

i guess one can only be hurt that much, and time will assuage all wounds, just like blood from wounds has to stop flowing after a certain time period. soon, i'll be like what i was before, with a mind uncluttered and untainted, just like the clear and steady flow of water from the tap.

letting go

it would be naive to think i could cease thinking of you immediately after we ended everything. memories of the past do flow back naturally as i pass by certain places, listen to certain songs, see certain events unfolding, or simply lie on my bed looking around at the room that is so distinctly different from before i knew you.

but i guess it's all natural, even healthy. i wouldn't be able to face myself if i simply got on with my life without at least a little wistfulness and reminiscence, for it shows how much i valued the time we spent and the things we did, and that getting together in the first place wasn't exactly a mistake on our part.

but it seems i'm coping really well with the change, partly due to the fact that we had a terrible week prior to our breakup which was entirely not worth remembering. and that i now know what i want in my life and what you truly need. also worth at least a mention:

guys: for jio-ing me to go on a shoe-stealing rampage on april's fool. it really took my mind off things for a good while.

girls: for retaliating - smearing the toilet seats with deep heat and stealing my underwear whilst i was in the toilet. it pissed me off so much i was complaining abt it the whole day. but on hindsight i think it was really damn amusing.

dilys: for consoling me in your own unique way and volunteering your bf as advisor. i'll definitely get you something nice for your b-day next week.

jack: for initiating a meetup and spending so much time talking to and advising me on matters. really appreciate it and was really enlightened thereafter. thanks for being there when i needed someone.

jas: gg with my 'walk to fong seng to get some teh peng' whim and entertaining me online despite ur evident busyness with various matters.

yeng: for the good conversation that night and in a way helping to prevent me from doing something tt could have made matters worse.

deb/shiyun: caring for and listening to me, talking things out and making me feel that i wasn't alone in all this. and keep what i told you later to yourself kies - it's supposed to be private and confidential, hehh.

sokie: for not once consoling me and treating me like nothing happened. at times i actually felt like nothing actually happened haha. okies la. thanks for accompanying me at times and busting my phone bill by refusing to use your house phone heh.

insung: for asking me out for lunches, dinners, popping by regularly to check if i was fine and sharing ur troubles with me whilst listening to mine. thank you for your constant attention, sincerity and trust towards me. appreciate everything you did. and i hope i was a good listener and helped u see certain things in a different light too :)

wormy: guess you were still the one who knew best. esp since you knew everything that happened given our weekly suppers cum updates. thanks for coming down at short notice for a few nights in a row, giving me your harsh 2cents worth when i exclaimed that she was being troublesome and that i couldn't take it anymore, then listening to me patiently and giving me personal advice when i realised my mistakes. not to mention the mutual understanding/humour/dumb stories/friendly digs that has characterised our conversations since so long back, and which gave me much comfort and a sense of continuity. really treasure our 10 yrs of friendship thus far.

post-all

i've been reading your blog assiduously, and your very evident happiness after we decided to go separate ways sure ain't doing much to my ego. what if pple get the impression that i'm a terrible b/f? haha. trivial comments aside, i'm really happy that you're the way you are now. i haven't seen that peilee for a very long while and i'm glad u've regained that side of yours I so admired and enjoyed seeing in you.

my dad commented on the way back (yes, no public transport for me haha) that he hadn't seen me so genuinely relaxed and in such an easy-going mood since we got together. not that i'm saying i wasn't happy when i was with you.. but it was kind of a fluctuating mood swing thingy then - either lost in blissfulness or wallowing in despair, indignance or helplessness. and i enjoyed singing chinese oldies throughout the whole trip back. yep, lots of memories does flow back.. the sweet ones :)

and i truly do believe what we both feel now is not the kind of happiness one desires to make oneself feel when wishing to justify one's decision after a breakup, but that of true and genuine joyfulness that comes from being at peace with oneself.

i guess friendship was always the best course for the two of us. but i must say the progression from there to being in a relationship was a natural one, albeit not a correct choice given how things turned out. i believe, though, that both of us enjoyed the short journey, or at least most of it. i would say it opened our eyes to what was really important to us in our lives. our friendship with each other, for one. and numerous others which only ourselves know.

alot of my friends did comment abt the shortness of our r/ship, and i attributed it to my own inadequacy as well as our clash in personalities and habits. in no way could i see it being any fault of yours. but i have to say i'm proud of the both of us for being able and willing to end things sooner rather than simply dragging things on, suffering, and hoping things will turn out for the better. seeing how the both of us are feeling now, the decision was a good one, indeed. it was in great part due to you - i thank you for doing so, and in the midst preventing my wavering.

exams are coming and it'll be a trying period for the both of us given the fact that we haven't spent much time on our studies this sem, hehh. sighs. i'm sure you'll do fine too, tho. don't know anyone like you who can fare reasonably well despite the absymal effort put in. but less intelligent beings like me have to simply toil during the next few weeks, i guess :(

yep. 'll be looking forward to our next meeting. it's a new start once again and I believe our lives have been the better for it.

it's over

i was insistent on wanting to meet up face-to-face to end it properly, if both of us felt it wasn't gg to work out. such that both of us would end this knowing what the other felt, and be able to face up to each other amicably in the future, which i feel is important. but i guess that isn't necessary right now. the purpose for doing so is no longer.

even today i harboured thoughts of just getting back together so we could see if things could work out after all, after all, it's only been a short while since we got together and thus it could have been that both of us hadn't integrated well into each other's lives yet. but i do admit i agree with you, albeit unwillingly, that it's unlikely our r/ship will make it in the long term. thank you for making things easier for both of us by being firm on your stand. i waivered for that moment, and you corrected my position by your actions, as you have always done. i too believe it's a decision that both of us will not regret.

after reading your blog entry, my belief that you understand what our r/ship constituted and what you felt about it was confirmed. i guess there's no need to meet up officially to end matters, since my original purpose was just to make sure both of us really knew why it ended after letting each other voice our opinions on the issue at hand. and i believe both of us agree on and feel the same on the reasons why our r/ship wouldn't have worked out.

my last letter to you today contained the apologies I wanted to say to you in person about it all, and i must say that i'm sincere abt them. i'm sorry about not loving you back as much as you loved me, such strongly was your feelings towards me then, and i apologise for never apologising in person for the mistakes i made, for never telling and assuring you of my love for you personally when you desired and needed it. my mistake was not knowing that i did wrong, then stupidly assuming that you were in blame, then acting all noble and understanding, then being hurt and upset when you responded badly to it cos you felt that i could not put down my pride and simply apologise. i can't but regret my insensitivity for it was what caused us much hurt and misunderstanding and likely our eventual breakup.

but what i can't apologise for, but accept, are our innate differences. i believe both of us know that there are things effort alone can't change, and are essential in maintaining of a harmonious relationship. i guess that it wouldn't have worked out in the end even should i have been more able to react accordingly to your emotions and actions, as both of us seek a truly long-term relationship and know deep down that it won't work out despite our strong feelings for each other. it was just a matter of sooner or later. and my ineptness in handling matters caused it to be the former.

however much i want to be there for you always, i understand that you require someone more adequate than what i am now, and i sincerely wish that you find that someone who completes you in the near future. be assured that i will harbour no hopes of getting back together with you, and give you a sense of discomfort through my actions in doing so. i know that we aren't meant to be together as a couple, after the long process of understanding each other for who we are, what you term "doing things, caring about the other person, and all the itsy bitsy stuff that matters".

but i still believe we can make it as the close friends we once were. during the months after the both of us first met and had our hearts set on other parties. when the reason both of us met up was purely for the enjoyment of each other's company, be it through meals, activities, or simply meaningful or trivial chats. i do believe it is possible, given that we both have rationally accepted the fact that a r/ship is all but tenable.

in my mind, you will always be the perfect girl who knows exactly what she wants in her life and strives for it. i couldn't have asked for more in a girlfriend. i do regret though that my outlook in life and personality proved incompatible with yours eventually, and again apologise for the many mistakes i made, conscious or otherwise, and which i did or did not admit to.

i believe that both of us has accepted that everything that has happened could not be avoided. let us both move on with our lives and hold no grudges or resentment against each other, only sweet memories that will live on in our minds for a long time to come. i look forward to the day when we can finally see, without any hint of awkwardness, each other as the close friends we used to be.

unsure

i'm unsure as to how you'd react to it, but know that i just wish to place everything in the open right now. i wish to tell you how i really feel, and hope to know how you feel in return. i admit that i've done things that, despite the intention, did not address the issue at hand and handled matters badly. however, no matter what i know now, it will never change the fact that certain incidents have happened and certain things have been done in response.

i still have faith that it'll work out, and that if we manage to get through this stage, all our inherent problems will be all but solved, and our relationship the stronger for it. no doubt it'll be a huge step in either direction. i know where i'm headed. i hope u decide to do likewise. follow your heart and it will tell you that i truly love you and that things can actually get better.