inability

i'm disgusted by my inability to put aside trivial thoughts out of my mind and simply focus on work. i will therefore pen them down and begone with them till the end of the exams on the 7th. was just talking to my friend who happened to pop by my room for a chat which invariably veered towards r/ship issues towards the end. afterall we did share similar situations and i guess it was the key issue we wanted to discuss and let out so as to better rid our mind of.

apparently he had assumed i had set sights on others and wished to offer his help. no, i assured him; i wish i could. first i have to seek closure with a certain someone. i guess avoiding the issue wun help. it never did after so long and i doubt it will. avoiding the person's harder; i dun exactly find it hard not having contact with her for a few days at a go unlike before. but still, it's not an ideal situation. it'll be really quite unfair to the person i'm gg after or am with in the future.

one of the hardest questions i ever had to answer 'what will you do if she shows signs of liking you whilst we're together?' no, i wasn't lying when i gave you my reply. i never did try cos i knew i would be discovered in a moment. but it was with much hesitation. it doesn't matter now, tho. all i can say is that there was no-one else in my mind when we were together.

advice from a senior hall-stayer and a mutual friend: she sure is likeable and it's not exactly your fault for liking her despite everything, but i'd think it wise to clarify matters with her. at least to clear the air and doubts about each other since it should be quite obvious to her after all this while, yet she has to give you the benefit of the doubt due to your lack of concrete action.

hmm but i shall put aside all this thoughts aside immediately after this post till after the 7th, or even later. doubt the outcome will change should i delay it till after that. feel that some things are meant to happen. just like the 1st time i met you; i felt then you would be someone special to me in my life. my view on that has never once wavered since then, nor do i see it to be anything otherwise in the near future. be it mutual or not, it doesn't matter. you have shown me how it's like to know someone and truly like them for what they are, even down to the minute details and the flaws which seem so insignificant. i doubt i'll ever fall for someone as i did for you ever again, such is the person that you are.