amnesia

omggg can't believe i actually forgot abt her b-day; facebook really saved the day man. shall pretend that i rmbr-ed it all along and prep smth for a belated celebration. 

hahahah. think i dun really care much alr la. 

bowling under pressure

on the way to the bowling alley after the NM proj mtg, my dad casually commented abt my abymal scores last week (new low of 128 for this yr and an average of 160+) and said that he hadn't seen a 200+ score from me for a good while. 

also mentioned that i was never the same after all my bowling equipment got stolen 2 yrs ago, after which i got disillusioned and stopped trg (also cos i was too involved in hall life in Yr1 la, haha). 

have to admit that i've been on a plateau ever since then.

obviously i was already quite tensed up and kinda emotional, thinking back on the (very) sad incident. but it wasn't an excuse. in my 1st game, i amassed 4 open frames in the 1st 5 frames, with a pathetic score of 40. this is no good, i thought to myself then.

the strikes weren't coming, but the spares were do-able. somehow my accuracy was horribly off and i managed to miss even the simple ones. i was ardently wishing i could start on a new game by the 9th frame, and trying to look nonchalant despite the embarassment and frustration seething within me. 

99 points. i swore my dad was shaking his head when i walked back after my final ball. i din even have the heart to look, given the utter disappointment in myself. i really sunk to a new low. even my mum couldn't recall the last time i went below 100. i think it was in JC if i dun recall wrongly. 

tried to calm myself down and cast away the negative emotions within. tried to recall all the bad habits i tend to sink back into when i dun consciously take note of them: the shoulder drop during the approach, excess backswing, not following through properly and etc. 

to regain confidence and retain consistency, i then utilised a simple approach, keeping my swing short, arm relaxed, fingers tensed throughout whilst focussing intently on my target spot. 179. back in business, i told myself. 

as the flow commenced, i started taking risks, shifting my target board further left and utilising more hook and ball speed to increase the strike percentage. 198, 185, 226. like finally, i thought to myself. a decent 200+ score at long last. 

ok, i can't beat most pple who've had formal trg, but i'm fairly sure i'm definitely up there when compared to the rest. i've long since learnt to be content being a big fish in a small pond. hahaha.

and my mum never fails to remind me how my mood changes proportionately to the standard i'm playing at. even when things aren't gg ur way, u really should stop the occasional finger-ing and silent mouthing of the F-word, esp since u're gg to be setting an example for ur students soon, she told me in chinese. 

overcoming poor form

met ginny on the bus ride to sch and i recall talking abt linky and his perpetual complaining that he's not on form during trgs (he's like forever off form one la, i commented wryly, last week it was the new dampener and next wk dunno what). 

but i do understand where he's coming from.

back in sec sch and jc, i was a damn sucky bowler (averaging 140), given the amt of time and $ i invested into it (or rather my dad did during our weekly games haha). couldn't even place the ball consistently at specific locations and i was totally puzzled when the ball path din follow my projected one at times.

had so many bad habits that even my dad got tired of correcting them. guess that's why i can point out mistakes and guide pple quite well now.. cos i really took the long path, having to correct all the myriad errors i had (alot!), bit by bit over the years. 

being a gracious winner and generally a sore loser (even so now, just that i dun show it as much), i kept blaming my ball, the lanes, and even the surrounding pple (they're noisy! i recall myself saying). 

my dad very intelligently bought me my 1st ball when i was in Sec4, hence nullifying my typical excuse that the house balls din fit my fingers well and that they were tight/loose-fitting.

i guess, without tt experience and those from my other sports, i'd still be a hopeless whiner. one can whine all he wants, and nothing's gg to change until he acknowledges that oneself, and not other factors is the main cause of the poor form. 

aim to keep things simple and constant, remember the feeling of being in the zone and try to replicate that form if possible in regular play.

still have a long way to go in tennis but i'm sure i'll reach the target i've set for myself eventually; it's just a matter of sooner or later. 

friends?

5hrs of discussion and editing with the NM proj pple passed quickly, not least due to the fact i really quite like 2 of the 4 present, and given the level of communication and chemistry we've all achieved thus far. 

based on the 1st impression alone , i would gladly have chosen them if given the choice again. looks and the way one speaks is sufficient to judge someone considerably at the initial stage, after u've met ur fair share of failed friendships (ok, not exactly failures la, haha).

now i realise that hall life isn't all it's made up to be, at least for me. i guess it's all abt immersing yourself in an environment where u feel at ease with yourself and others, one conducive to the making of true friendships. time spent and proximity seriously isn't a factor. 

i consider ginny and linky friends whom i'm truly comfortable with and who knows the real me quite well. and i just knew them like.. last june for only 3 weeks? the weekly tennis lessons does help alot, tho.

and let's not forget glad and lalaa (yes, you! haha), both through the ballroom dance course last may. like i was telling jr over msn, i figure my preference is towards knowing pple with whom I have no mutual acquaintances, the latter including those i'm not exactly on good terms with. 

one gets the chance to start on a fresh slate, both knowing each other with no prior knowledge or expectations, all of which is nothing less than.. refreshing. i'm loving it.

jel's 21st (warning:anal alert)

was quite glad tt i went in the end, thx to a certain someone. actually had quite a gd time there - mtg up with the flaggers, catching up with a few of them (think i should ask some out for a meal sometime) and also the 4th floor D-blk pple. 

just saw the pics on fb, and i have to say it was horrendous, to say the least. yes, a point and shoot cam implies just that, but one has to take note to at least utilise the flash if he/she isn't confident of steadying the cam whilst shooting. 

i get quite miffed when pple take photos in low light conditions w/o flash, in a stance where both arms are away from oneself in a boxing-like stance. liddat the pix sure blur one la! and it seeems the ISO wasn't even increased accordingly. 

this is what u get when u neglect using flash and u can't hold the cam steady

no, this is not an artistic shot. it's simply overexposed. and lacks symmetry. 

just feel strongly abt it cos it's her big occasion, being the 21st and all, and photos serve to preserve one's own memories of the event and the happenings. yes, maybe the other cams may turn out to have decent pictures, but the story told by her own photos would be forever etched with imperfection and bear little resemblance to the vibrant evening that transpired. 

or maybe it's alright in her eyes. i wouldn't know. but given a situation where my own photos are summarily judged/criticised by experienced photographer relatives, i feel it's normal to be unduly upset abt some seemingly basic errors that i felt shouldn't have been perpetrated. 

but i did use ethel's new cam to capture a few key moments (hurriedly) so at least i tried to help la. yes, yes. i think i shall go back to my studying and stop my whining.

the immediate thought

sometimes i realise the reason i dun talk as much to some people is simply cos my immediate thought to their comments or queries is one of an acerbic or socially unacceptable nature. 

like when linky asked me in a somewhat patronising manner abt how good i was at my preferred sports, when i casually commented during the tennis lesson that i wasn't able to invest 100% into tennis unlike him since i had other sports i enjoyed as much, if not more. 

the response that popped out immediately was that he could choose any 10 sports of his liking and i'll beat him soundly in 9, if not all. obviously i reined in my words, and answered his question directly. 

ok but then again it wouldn't exactly be untrue either. but it's just not nice and i see him as a true friend and someone whose company i enjoy. i dun speak up much for myself unless i'm confident abt it, and i know my place when someone is better than me, so i dun take kindly to pple questioning me abt what i know i'm good at. 

it's a v annoying trait of mine. wish i were more naturally humble. 

doing more

i regret not having done more tt day. a myriad of different surprises and plans were left by the roadside at the last moment. last min preps, minimum effort expended. sure, i had been really occupied and stressed up (damn rare la) but it shouldn't have been an excuse. but either way, it's all over. i'll make up for it the next time if i get the chance to. 

urgency

being in one's last sem in uni does take away the feeling of urgency until when it's quite late. even as i'm taking 6 mods (only need 3 to grad!). actually that was the cause, since i'm projecting a minimum grade of B+ for my 2 GEMs (little studying req to do well cos one is physics-bio, the other chem-bio and i'm essentially a physics/chem trained person) and NM mod given my results thus far, and my 2 engineering physics module shouldn't prove too much given i've always done ok for them. 

i'm more worried abt the damn QuanMech2 mod where i'm in danger of failing due to my high inertia to want to actually study it. did horribly for Test 1 relative to the cohort and i'm gg to have to change that soon. it really did wake me up, esp since failing this mod would render me ineligible to graduate (nightmare!). the possibility is always there, tho. hafta minimise it. 

but at least i'm in a serious mood now (eh it's damn rare one lor), only taking the occasional break to play mafia wars on fb, and the twice-weekly tennis and swim sessions. no longer plan for lunches or dinner with random pple as i need all the time i need, for work or significant others. and i'm seriously contemplating skipping a social gathering this weekend. 

i dun have a liking for grp outings btw, unless at least half the members are pple i'm fond of and comfortable with. the conversation is nothing to shout abt, and i normally meet those pple for the occasional meal anyways. 

get disoriented with all the conversations gg ard me and sometimes feel left out when the topic revolves ard smth they're involved and concerned abt and which i have little interest in. if i had the time, i dun really mind. but i don't.

death of hamster

so it finally happened. my cous' hamster dying on us. 

http://blog.glys.com/index.cgi?e=2009-18-03-rip-mr-fish

well, at least we still have mine. 

the long journey to school

was feeling quite unmotivated at home on sunday morn so decided to go to sch to study. guess my bro playing the Xbox360 in my rm was abit too much for me. braving the heavy downpour to reach the busstop, i proceeded to board bus 198. this would prove to be the longest ever journey to sch. 

toppled tree (1 of 3). a few malay guys had to get down the bus in the pouring rain to carry/push the gigantic thingy out of the way before the bus could continue. early training for their future jobs, heh. 

just another example of what those nice men had to overcome in clearing the various trees that had toppled.

finally at sch after a horrendous 1.5 hr journey (normally takes just ard 30 mins).

nobody in their right mind is gg to want to attempt the long jump in these conditions. suicidal.

i must stress that having reading material or a portable game console is a must on public transport. even if incidents such as the above isn't the norm, doing something constructive in the time spent travelling (quite alot if u add it up!) would save one alot of time doing it later. 

normally clear my unreplied msges and settle/confirm trgs and meetups on the bus too, thus explaining my outstanding reply rate at certain times of the day. 

bert's blog grabs

was browsing thru cousin's recent blog entries and decided to grab and post some graphics (self-created) from them. PhD students-to-be can be really free. (me and br0 when he was playing adventure quest whilst doing his computing/econs assignments: eh you really v no life leh hahaha)

return of the eve

was in a state of emotional turmoil when she called out of the blue, and i actually picked up the phone w/o hesistation, grateful for the short respite from my melancholy. and after 15 mins of conversation i discovered why it was that i tried to minimise contact with her a few mths back. 

interaction with others helps you to see yourself for who you are.

after talking like my bro does when he talks on the phone with his gfs, i got damn tired of speaking like a beng, not to mention the convo that was really meandering aimlessly. it slowly dawned on me that i still value a bit of intellectual conversation now and then, however much i appear to like touching on trivial and random topics. 

not like i din lead the discussion to issues which i felt strongly about, just that it's pointless to have to describe the underlying backgrd every time when it's like.. quite common news. if you haven't read or heard abt it alr, it's q impossible to sustain a meaningful rally of idea-exchanging unless you're intelligent and quick-thinking. i was quite miffed when she tried to paraphrase my ideas and go along with them or run antagonistic to my point of view just for the sake of appearing non-conformistic. 

really couldn't help but wince when she tried to make an effort to sound intelligent. well, she tried.

and due to a very bad reflex response on my part i have to sacrifice a few hrs of my precious study time to dine with her tml. her: hey u know we haven't seen each other for a long time. i changed my hairstyle alr u know! me: really? haha can't wait to see it. i'm sure you look even more stunning than b4. we should meet up for a meal soon! 

i blanked out for a few seconds, aghast at the words i just uttered. but oh wells, she's coming all the way from the east to JP which is like 10 mins from home. so it's not exactly inconvenient. ahhhh ok let's go back to studying. 

hamster thoughts

quote from marley (hamsy) and me:

A dog (hamster) has no use for fancy cars, or big homes, or designer clothes. A waterlogged stick (not too big) will do just fine. A dog (hamster) doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart (and sufficient food), and he’ll give you his.

sometimes, i figure, being a hamster isn't all that bad.

melancholy

the overwhelming sense of helplessness and loneliness hits out at you when you least expect it. everything seems insignificant during those moments and nothing seems to matter anymore. even the simplest tasks seem a chore, whilst necessary jobs feel unimportant. 

time slows to a trickle whilst the world continues to revolve underneath your feet; life around you doesn't cease with your momentary absence from it. slowly, you realise that wallowing in this state isn't going to change matters, however long you persist in it. no-one's gg to be truly concerned with it, nor any actions changed due to your inertia and self-pity. 

let's remain in this state for a few more moments, then pick yourself up from there - it's just another phase of life, you tell yourself. once again, you manage to convince yourself that doing what matters and changing the circumstances is necessary.

then you go out, seek success in what you aspire. the imperceptible losses chip away at your newfound armour of determination, slowly but surely, whilst the evident cases of failure leaves palpable dents in them. unavoidably and eventually, the armour shatters, exposing one's vulnerable self once again. 

and you feel the overwhelming sense of helplessness and loneliness.

saturday

after numerous comments that my blog posts look like essays, i have finally succumbed and decided to start utilising the "upload pictures" function. afterall, as they say, a picture speaks a thousand words. and since i'm busy, it likely means that i can type less and tell more. not unlike the "teach less learn more" slogan.

actually forgot to get the straws at mac and had to alight 2 stops early to get straws from 7-11. damn troublesome, but no choice la, me blur.

then passed milk (no, not the perishable kind) and xiaobai's gift to zhu at hall, together with mac b/f for shiyun and a snack for ethel. also had a good and fulfilling chat with gimsy at the lobby too. it's been quite a long time since i've packed b/f for pple in hall. reminiscent of the old times.. and a certain someone. but i guess i've finally moved on from that. 

hid at the lib till like 1730, occasionally popping out for meals or snacks (love laksa yongtaufoo at arts). then met glad who was coincidentally in the biz lib too and went to the newly (ok, not really new) renovated west coast plaza (2nd time there!) for dinner. did my usual "eh we go check out the mall directory then decide from there k" then decided on a chinese restaurant on the 1st floor. 12 bucks per head for 4 dishes, rice, dimsum, drinks and soup. not too bad a deal.

(sorry no pics available - forgot to take)

waited at the busstop for 188 to take us to chevrons for a bit of bowling, then realised that 188 wasn't available there after she casually commented that the bus was taking quite some time. argh! haha damn blur as usual la. 

played 3 games and she degenerated with every game. normally she's quite decent with scores ard 100 but today was a horrid exception. even i couldn't help her despite being quite a decent (self-professed, of course) coach. her balls started off veering towards the right gutter then back into the left one. then after adjusting her initial position and aiming spot so that all would be in place, her ball lost its initial hook and started gg straight into the right gutter. even i can't correct such an inconsistent throw. 

below illustrates the disparity in the scores.

me (at the 6th frame): eh my score's 113 times higher than yours leh.

her: ah just shut up and play ur game k.