mistakes

so wish to pen down certain thoughts, certain events that have taken place over the past few weeks. but shall refrain from doing so. even as this is a personal space limited to a select few, but then again these matters aren't exactly what i would risk divulging to others. not that i care what others think tho. ha. the previous statement was a total joke.

it's a matter of ethics, one thing which i never really saw fit to abide by. my point was, if all parties benefit eventually, the means used, however unconventional or seemingly warped, would be well-justified. not everyone thinks that way tho. it's still proper to follow certain paths en route to achieving something, even as mild deviations from the norm are accepted by most.

appearances can be deceiving. one can make use of others' perception of themselves to their own advantage at times, if only they knew how they portrayed themselves to different parties. no-one treats everyone similarly, and this single act simply underlies the fact that every action is a subconscious reaction to a stimuli, however much one wishes to believe that he/she is in control of their behaviour and actions.

when even the closest confidant expresses a hint of disapproval amidst the evident amusement and laughter it shouldn't be a good sign. i do believe he did see my rationale behind my thoughts and actions eventually, but given his impetuousness and perceived lack of ethics, i should think it would be totally unacceptable to many others.

to be truly independent of one's personal biases towards others. to be genuinely cognizant of the causes for and likely aftermath of one's actions, and to resist the temptation to reap immediate benefits from undesirable behaviour. to be able to live up to one's own expectations, and not be affected by those imposed, subconsciously or otherwise, from others. to be able to honestly say that any altruistic or selfless decision one has made was based solely on others on not even partly due to some vested interest or personal goal on one's part.

these ideals are seemingly unattainable, some even brinking on utopian in nature, should one not consider self-delusion as an obvious solution. but it'd already be commendable if one exercises objective introspection, sees oneself for the fault-ridden being one is, and work towards a better self. everyone ought to, for the sake of salvaging their inner soul, if not for the supposed greater good of the society.

which the former likely leads to eventually.

the quality of one's life is determined by the quality of the surrounding influences, which is likely, in turn, affected by the actions of oneself towards them. complaining abt one's inferior surroundings / influences in the moulding of oneself thus seems untenable as an argument. one determines his own fate, to a certain extent, by controlling his surroundings. changing the way one behaves to others, as well as cultivating one's innate qualities and developing skills and capabilities, affects how others react to him, which in turn motivates him to continue down the path he chose and continue making the decisions he made. or otherwise.

it's tiring. yes.