hmmm

apparently the cousin had linked me on his blog again, hence exposing me to unwanted visitors on mine.

the kind which derives pleasure from discussing me and my shenanigans with fellow like-minded people, and whom i have no desire to share any bit of my personal life with.

ohwells. i don't really like the current address anyways. shall switch again in the coming days when i think of a nice one.

quotes from inception

some select quotes from the movie:

Cobb: [from trailer] Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.

Eames: [Shows up while Arthur is in a gunfight] You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

Mal: You're waiting for a train; a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't be sure. Yet it doesn't matter - because we'll be together.

Mal: You keep telling yourself what you know. But what do you believe? What do you feel? Cobb: Guilt.

Cobb: I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go.

self-justifying

i've always prided myself for being rational and logical but the exex recently mentioned that i was far from that - that i was really emotional instead. obviously i'm not gg to take her words at face value but now that i think abt it, i'm not really sure of myself now.

utilising self-justifying logic is my way to make me believe in the decisions i make, to make me feel good at having made the right choices, to give myself and others a plausible reason when things don't go right.

it's the end-result of having things not go my way since young, hence the development of such a complex. if i hadn't resorted to this method, i would very well have sunk into depression, being the sensitive and very self-conscious boy i was then.

this time, i must admit i may have treaded wrongly. even i can't know for sure. but ohwells. things come and go, they say; i can only wish the right one comes along once again. time to justify my decision once again to make myself feel less affected.

the cooldown period

a cooldown period away from each other allows both parties to really see the importance (or non-importance) to each other, so as to be able to reassess the r/s and see whether its gg anywhere and whether you can really do w/o the other party in your life.

yes i know i'm sounding like a pussy (commented by wormy) but i somehow wished i hadn't gone with her impulsive 'let's end it' after i expressed my concerns that i hadn't really enjoyed her company over the past few weeks. she was really upset by it as it's way hard for her as a nurse to get a weekend off (i'm normally busy on the weekdays).

i really should have understood then that she didn't really mean it, and if i were in her shoes, given all the efforts i had given to meet the bf, i would expect him to be more appreciative. but i couldn't. i didn't really want to back down and i wanted a talk about it instead of me being accused of being insensitive.

i should have insisted on a period to contemplate matters instead.

after all, it's no one's fault that for the past few dates she had been meeting me mostly after 12-hr shifts and i hadn't exactly gotten the conversation and interactions i normally expect for a typical date. i must admit i was really frustrated at times with the sterile atmosphere and sometimes i really wondered then.

yes, that's one of the main reasons i couldn't bring myself to refuse her intent. for me, i pondered over whether i could take this for the rest of my life, since she was passionate about her job and i was too for mine. i thought long and hard over whether i could bear the occasional (or maybe even regular) tiring date even after i sacrificed my work (have to work till 3am the day b4 and after e date)to meet her.

was i also willing to let my loved one sacrifice and put in effort for the rest of her life to secure weekend-offs so we could spend more quality time together? was it fair to her?

also, i thought long term - was the love we shared sufficient to last us through the trials and tribulations of married life? would it be good for both of us if one party went to work when the other came back and one party was really upset but had to go to sleep alone because the other party was at work?

and i'm not even yet discussing the part where the kids come in.

i know i'm not the very independent kind, and i can't possibly continue to satisfy my needs for conversation and human interaction by meeting friends on a regular basis like i do now. it would seem much less proper then (kid: mummy, daddy went to meet uncle/auntie for supper around midnight ytd!).

it's been only 1 week, and it seems like an eternity. her b-day's in 3 days after which she's gg on a short trip overseas. 'll have to arrange a meetup with her sometime soon; i think both of us need to talk.

card-inspired

i haven't taken down the beautiful giant cards she made me for my b-day, and the 1st, 6th monthniversarys. after my mum commented on it, we jokingly concluded that it was really good decoration for my room and decided to keep it as it was.

not like i'm gg to get attached anytime soon anyway. i need time to sort myself out.

i'm not the kind who junks and destroys every single memory of the ex, for i believe it to be quite a erroneous action - there were happy memories, not just the sad ones. what if one day you simply wished to relive those memories (ok, i guess most pple will be shaking their heads at this pt) through the photos and gifts?

ok, at least for me i would. i recall asking pl for our pix (i was q lazy w photography in the past and it din last long anyways) a few mths after she unceremoniously left me. everything in life's worth remembering, for life is short - one doesn't make many memorable moments, honestly. no point dwelling on the upsetting ones.

it's been a long journey (i feel) and i can't but go anywhere in SG but recall the memorable words we spoke and the hilarious actions we indulged in. i can't listen to certain songs w/o invoking memories, esp of that day at the bali k-box. i can't play on my WII or watch movies using my com connected to the TV w/o remembering all those moments.

hell, i even think of her when i take a cab at night and there's a 50% service charge meter running.

all the museums, all the food places, all the holidays, all the sweet moments we spent together. it was unprecedented. indeed, even as one may say this period was a short one, it was indeed an eventful and fulfilling one, of which i hope both parties can look back and genuinely exclaim that it's been a wonderful experience.

closed my room door lest someone see the silent tearing.

burning bridges

today another of her friends sent me a considerably long (~200words) personal msg on fb, of which i have to say really sounded v non-judgmental and well-thought out. so i decided to spend a good 15 minutes and a good amount of thought replying his queries.

so after 700 words and a fair bit of reminiscing, i was done with my reply. it really feels quite therapeutic to write it all out, esp in response to questions instead of just randomly from my mind.

i know that i'm quite guilty of making things sound less emotional and more impersonal than i really feel, but that's just my style of writing. and when i actually sound v emotional, sometimes it's by choice too. it's not like i'm not capable of altering my style to sound a certain way. but enough abt that.

talking things through, gg thru all the details with friends who volunteer to listen or simply provide you with company and good conversation really does help. it's really eased me thru the entire process, which was far more painful and less clear-cut than the previous one. i used to think that i could solve all problems by myself. i was wrong, and i'm glad i have friends who are willing to help.

L jokingly commented on sat that he was half-expecting me to get back together with her, and being one of the few who know me well, i was silently impressed by his comment. yes of course i do think about it at times, and wonder if there's someone actually more suited for me than her. after all, it's one thing to find someone whom u think is suited for you; its another thing for her to feel the same way.

but apparently all her friends are pissed at me for my sudden decision (so what, i'm supposed to let it drag on to an inevitable ending and waste her time? maybe it would have been better, i wouldn't know) and my closer friends and parents somehow thought it was the right choice after hearing my views over the past mths.

but i'm to blame for not giving her closure. i should have, but i din get the chance to do so then, and i'm not about to affect her by insisting on a talk now. it just isn't right, however much i want to meet her - i can't possibly lie and say i don't miss her presence at times. i'm at fault here.

i've been giving her friends set-in-stone comments that i'm v resolute about my decision, so it's hard to backtrack on my words, however much i want to. with every passing day, it seems more of a mistake. but that could be the effect of an increased sense of loneliness and solitude caused by the sudden influx of time and loss.

it's the start of a new, hectic workweek again; gg to be very busy this week with all my classes starting their new topics. really looking forward to the long National Day weekend!

vilified

a close friend, J and a member of the girl gang pm-ed me on fb just now, and unreservedly gave me her 2 cents worth on what she thought about me:

J
its really good that you gal such a good gal up..
Me
?
J
i mean its really good that you given annabelle up..
Me
why
J
because you not worth for her..
Me
oh i see..
J
i never knew that you are such a bastard person.
it really good for us to see it through you before everything was even settle
J
the only thing that all of us wish is you could leave annabelle alone.. i guess from the day you said hash things you should expected all this could happen..and guess won't even want to have anything more thing for annabelle to do with you...
Me
i dun really understand what you're saying. nor do i believe you really know me for what i am. and i dun think you know exactly what happened. but you are entitled to think what u wish to think.
that is your choice.
J
i do know wat happen... it doesn;t matter to me what kind a person you are... anyway you kist a bastard to us.. so this is wat we think if you..
Me
ok noted
J
that all i would have to say...

i was much more annoyed with having to bear and second-guess her atrocious english, but i shall refrain from saying more lest i be labelled an elitist and nitpicker. i was, however, not at all affected by what she said, and i believe it a good sign (or maybe i'm just good at justifying my actions haha).

after all, if i had been affected by what J said, i must have really indulged in 'bastard'-esque actions or must be someone who doesn't feel. and obviously i feel, i mean, i just touched the table and felt something rough.

oh wells, i dun really blame J for it. i mean, one thing would be that J only gets the point-of-view from her friend's perspective. also as a close friend and a seemingly not very rational person (my opinion) i am in no doubt that she chose to believe everything she was told, whilst filling in the blanks of the story in order to vilify me in her mind so she could more easily spout stuff which could help convince her friend that losing me was for the best.

i mean, i doubt any normal female would say stuff like: oh he was too good for you and you were just not up-to-par so u deserved to lose him and it was all your fault. if anyone said that to her i would gladly slap her for being so insolent. trust me on that.

so i'm not exactly surprised by J's actions - it's what i expect from her. and i believe she will be one of the supports that will be required post-ending, just like even I require my friends to be there for me in times of loneliness and sorrow. i appreciate J for being one of hers.

moodless

i'm glad for being a teacher, in times like this. the presence of the students who adore me and respect me for who i am helps allay the sense of loss and belonging. the purpose i feel when i prepare and carry out my lessons allow me to stop thinking, to stop missing.

but it's almost the end of wed, and i can't help but feel the dark chasm of loneliness and melancholy in the depths of the night. yes, i do miss her. of course i do, for we were even at the stage where we contemplated marriage.

we did well with each other's families, and we were totally comfortable in each others' presence. i miss having someone to call or sms when i'm feeling down, miss receiving i-miss-you msges in the middle of the night. i miss having someone to tease and joke with. i miss the hugs and the kisses, the hand-holding and walks.

sometimes i really have to struggle to recollect the reasons we ended it, the reasons which i justified so very well then. then i recall the moments which i did not miss that much. yes, we could have been a decent couple, but not a great one, i feel. time will serve to numb the hurt and upset that i feel now, or to amplify the missing and the memories more.

i can't help but think that if i met her earlier, minus my higher expectations and prior experiences, it could have worked out perfectly, and i would not have had much complaints about anything, for i too, would not have had any basis of comparison with which to gauge my current partner with. but then again it's all speculation, of which i can currently do without.

tired

all I want now is to swim, to immerse myself into the expanse of water, to feel the soothing sensation of water flowing past my self, to experience the weightlessness and surreal underwater feeling, to temporarily numb the emotions i'm feeling now.

then follow it up with a good lie-down on my bed, underneath my comforting blanket.

but i have so much to mark, so much to plan for, so much work to do. i'm already looking 4ward to the weekend, where i can get some proper respite from the barrage of activities. i'm tired of it all.

a sense of loss

i dun blog regularly, esp not in school in btw lessons, but i guess today's different. been feeling quite lost and upset throughout the past few days, and even my form class student commented on me looking different, despite my efforts to appear normal.

the world doesn't seem all that rosy and bright anymore, and i feel like just finishing my work fast and gg home to relax and rest. yes i know abt immersing myself in work, and i will do that, but first things first. i need time to simply.. sleep and recharge.

no longer do i feel at the top of the world, infact i kind of wish i were alone for the next few days, but i can't, for i have to teach, interact, and network. it's depressing having to put on a false front, for obviously it is not conducive to teach with a melancholy and upset expression.

but i know it's the correct choice. i may not want it, nor am i happy to make this decision, but i know it's the best thing, in the long term, for the both of us, and i hope she will see it too. hopefully, during this period, she will discover that the differences in personality and communication style did exist, and was quite prevalent actually.

yes, i did enjoy her company, but i felt there was something lacking, something which could not be solved by intervention and discussion alone. those flaws of ours could well be seen as good points to our future partners, and i'm sure that will be true for her. i just can't appreciate her enough for who she is and therefore i don't deserve her.

yes, it could go on if we chose it to be, but the strain of maintaining it would have been apparent eventually, and in the meantime better opportunities would have come and gone. the only thing i wish for now is for self-understanding and improvement. it's come to that phase again, of reflection and readjustment. everyone goes thru this.

her best friend broke up with her prev bf which we deemed to be a good, stable catch (albeit personality differences) and we thought that it was a bad decision on her part. but looking at those 2 individuals now a few mths later, both of them have seemingly found their ideal partners, the girl snagging a guy even i would deem as quite ideal and the guy getting a gf which seems more homely and suitable for him.

i only wish that she will go on to find another one which suits her better, and by then realise that greater love, one that combines friendship with romance, is actually possible. i hope that that person appreciates her for the wonderful individual that she is, much more than i do.

it's all i can do to stop tearing as i type in front of the screen. shall have to recollect and adjust my feelings before i enter my next class, lest i lose control of them. i shall be strong, and i hope she will be too.