a sense of loss

i dun blog regularly, esp not in school in btw lessons, but i guess today's different. been feeling quite lost and upset throughout the past few days, and even my form class student commented on me looking different, despite my efforts to appear normal.

the world doesn't seem all that rosy and bright anymore, and i feel like just finishing my work fast and gg home to relax and rest. yes i know abt immersing myself in work, and i will do that, but first things first. i need time to simply.. sleep and recharge.

no longer do i feel at the top of the world, infact i kind of wish i were alone for the next few days, but i can't, for i have to teach, interact, and network. it's depressing having to put on a false front, for obviously it is not conducive to teach with a melancholy and upset expression.

but i know it's the correct choice. i may not want it, nor am i happy to make this decision, but i know it's the best thing, in the long term, for the both of us, and i hope she will see it too. hopefully, during this period, she will discover that the differences in personality and communication style did exist, and was quite prevalent actually.

yes, i did enjoy her company, but i felt there was something lacking, something which could not be solved by intervention and discussion alone. those flaws of ours could well be seen as good points to our future partners, and i'm sure that will be true for her. i just can't appreciate her enough for who she is and therefore i don't deserve her.

yes, it could go on if we chose it to be, but the strain of maintaining it would have been apparent eventually, and in the meantime better opportunities would have come and gone. the only thing i wish for now is for self-understanding and improvement. it's come to that phase again, of reflection and readjustment. everyone goes thru this.

her best friend broke up with her prev bf which we deemed to be a good, stable catch (albeit personality differences) and we thought that it was a bad decision on her part. but looking at those 2 individuals now a few mths later, both of them have seemingly found their ideal partners, the girl snagging a guy even i would deem as quite ideal and the guy getting a gf which seems more homely and suitable for him.

i only wish that she will go on to find another one which suits her better, and by then realise that greater love, one that combines friendship with romance, is actually possible. i hope that that person appreciates her for the wonderful individual that she is, much more than i do.

it's all i can do to stop tearing as i type in front of the screen. shall have to recollect and adjust my feelings before i enter my next class, lest i lose control of them. i shall be strong, and i hope she will be too.