randomness

really wish to say certain things right here.. but yet so afraid of getting misintepreted once again. it's been so long since we knew each other, and there's been so many fluctuations in either direction, though you might not have felt it. it's been almost 2 years since then, and i wish there'll be no more of that.. i'm tired of the various processes of trying to forget and ignore and wishing for more at times. content with what i have now. hope the plateau has been reached.

trust me when i say i'm satisfied with our current status. no longer hope for anything more than that; it's enough for me. i guess u can sense that i'm happy like this. feel regret that i'll no longer be able to do as much for you as i wish to in the future - you're truly the one i wish to see happy and do things for without feeling obliged to, even though i never once said it to you, and doubt i ever will. sometimes i feel it's ironic that i actually cared and felt for you much more than i did the one i was supposed to.

hmm seriously contemplating joining flag once again to once again feel the feeling of camaraderie and achievement. of course it helps that pple i'm close to are already in it, but somehow feel i should do something different this hols.. perhaps bolster certain knowledge in my field and teaching techniques before my school attachment in jul, get involved in more community-based projects, and finally go for the underwater diving course if possible. but some things are certain.. have to brush up on my guitar and dance again, as well as go for some driving refresher courses. haha.. already have plans for something a few months later. hope i'm well equipped and all goes well then :)

mutual respect is really the key aspect to maintaining a relationship, as quite a few friends have mentioned to me. think it's high time to get myself up to scratch before i even contemplate getting into anything. if i can't even respect or take care of myself i doubt i have the capability to care for or allow others to feel the same for me. for now, it's back to square one. me, my family and my friends. it's more than sufficient for the time being.