visiting e doc

fell sick recently (after the flag slumber party lol) due to insufficient rest and went to UHWC to see e doc. the one who's always attended to me since the matriculation check-up. and as usual he was his typical caring, philosophical, chatty self. talked abt life and various issues in depth. somehow he's kind of a psychologist to me. haha.

a really good piece of advice he gave me: allocate urself some solitude time to do ur own stuff w/o feeling guilty; in so rediscover and be at peace with yourself. happiness originates from within you; should you ever need to derive it from others, you need to take some time off to ask yourself why. another one which i'm totally guilty of: learn to say no, even to those you truly care abt and wish to help.

of course i got my MC too, very essential since i took a day off my school attachment. and i left the room with a book on meditation and life quotes (given free of charge), as well as myriad thoughts coursing through my cluttered mind. i need some quality time alone.

'fish-net' guys?

read this on xiaobai's blog, and found it kinda interesting. think most guys are like that to a certain extent (seriously). with the exception of those i feel are totally indifferent or blissfully ignorant abt r/ship issues, of course. lest someone feel that i'm putting guys down in general, i'll just analyse the issue with regards to mine and close friends' experiences.

*****************************************

FISH NET GUYS

have u heard of fish-net guys? this was what they would do... *RED ALERT*

he, would go around acting nice to gals 1st.(u know.. like hold e door for em, jokes around, console em when they were sad)

any guy worth his salt would know better than to NOT do the above. esp at the start where it's make or break. even if he's not interested at all in the gals in question. being nice in general to make more friends and generate goodwill, albeit consciously, is always a good thing and isn't exactly hard to perpetuate. and it helps put one on a better platform from which to operate (i'm speaking for others, not myself k) should it prove necessary in the future.

then, he would start to "zero" in to that gal by smsing her daily and ask her out, making her feel special. well, obviously e gal would thought that that guy had probably fallen for her.

this just seems like a typical scenario in which you feel someone is worth knowing better, and you're willing to expend time and effort into the process of sms-ing, talking and gg out with him/her. i do it with guys too so i dun really see the big fuss in asking more than a single gal out at any given moment. it's the intention which matters, not just the action itself.

but later, she found out that that guy was fish netting = rounded up all e fishes that he was interested in and fish out e one that either accepted him in e end or he thought was e most suitable for him. so what did it imply? it implied that he was nice to ALOT of gals.. not jus u.. silly gal...

hmm i think this is just a warped interpretation of the general case of a guy getting together with a girl. a typical guy has a considerable number of female friends, from which he might feel that one is exceptionally attractive and is similarly attracted to him. getting together would consequently be natural, and not at all contrived or manipulative as the above suggests.

*****************************************

but i can't deny that 'fish-net' guys do exist. no doubt about that.

dance and wii

last week of dance lessons. it's been superb so far. meeting new pple. gg out with them. potential friendships that could actually last beyond the activity itself. and i've learnt alot from gg out with some of them. both from the things they say and a bit of objective introspection on my part abt what i perpetuate when in their presence. constantly learning from experiences and improving myself.

false hope. it's one thing that should never be given freely, if at all. and i'm very careful when treading into this territory. delaying sms replies. not picking up late-night calls on purpose. limiting meet-ups if necessary. it's important to know where to draw the line; i'm a firm believer of the saying 'what goes around, comes around'.

ohhh and i found someone who's into science fiction and gaming. a female at that. it really quite turned me on when she talked abt them with passion and enthusiasm. haha. obviously i din leave it at that, and asked her out for a WII session at cineleisure e2max. tried out the motion sensing technology for the 1st time, playing virtual tennis, bowling, boxing as well as the acclaimed mariokart game. had a smashing time!

evaluation

flag comm just had an evaluation exercise today. one side being categories like leadership, competency etc, with a rating scale of 1-5, the other side being for comments if necessary. was busy with my sch attachment and extremely tired after it, but travelled all the way to provide advice and assistance should they require any.

at the end they passed out the evaluation forms and i looked at the comments side. "can take charge and lead when required", "always give critical advice when everyone is lost", "able to connect well with everyone and offers constructive advice" etc. just as i expected.

then i looked at the points side. hmm.. communication skills being 4.2 and an average of 3.8 for the rest. quite decent, i thought. then i saw the points for ethel. average of 4.4 for everything. alright. i'd rank her 5 for virtually every category anyways if i had participated earlier. but then i noticed certain others (esp gals) getting averages of 4.0. and i seriously doubt the authenticity of their leadership and competency skills. they barely spoke during meetings and their paperwork was acceptable at best.

had a gruelling jog b4 mtg kelvyn for dinner; din want to spoil the mood as i was already having a perpetually annoyed expression. did not feel like talking abt it as i felt it would seem i was complaining abt a fact which 14 others had agreed on. but as the conversation ensued, it came out quite naturally.

ok it's quite natural for girls to buffer each other and prevent one another from getting low scores (in this case the lowest was 3), and the fact is that guys typically take score objectively - should i dislike someone immensely on a personal level but if he/she was capable, i wouldn't hesitate to put a 5.

thinking back, i guess it's a good thing i actually felt upset over it all. had i been indifferent, it would have showed just how little effort i had invested and how much i had sacrificed for the cause. the purpose of the evaluation was primarily meant to show one in which area his strengths and weaknesses lied, but it seems to me that the main outcome for some is that they'll feel somewhat discredited by it. as if all their hard work was not recognised.

of course one has to take into account that as an advisor, i consciously kept my opinions to myself until the last min so as to allow others to learn them themselves, or did things behind the scenes to facilitate issues. for now, let's just focus on my attachment and my other pressing issues for now. after i finish my script and the filming that is. then i'll be free from it till the 24th.

3rd - ended

yesterday was the 3rd. somehow i feel glad it's gg better and faster than i expected, but i still have my doubts. was mentioning to a few of my close friends that it's just like the other time, but with the roles reversed this time. the similarities in the process is extremely uncanny. and worrying. i really have no wish for it to end the same way too. it's the 1st time i'm doing it the 'proper' way and hopefully it's the last. i'm kinda tired of it all. it all feels kinda empty despite the immediate kick you get whilst doing it.

first

tml's the first; will determine if anything is meant to be. i really want to move on in this aspect of my life; hence the decision to not want to continue in hall. albeit it's mostly due to my studies. i've really got to justify my being a scholarship holder. and realise that it's not just a series of chores but a meaningful learning process.

jealousy is a good indicator of how much u like someone, i've always felt. and the intensity of it has abated much since then. it had to, i guess. sometimes i felt i tried my best. but sometimes i wonder, did i set myself up to fail by thinking negatively and protecting myself from potential rejections. i might have. i seldom am confused as to how i'm thinking, introspective as i am, but in this case i cannot help but concede defeat. either way, it's time to move on.

and recently i've been reading a book on shyness. supposedly i'm a non-shy introvert. i've always felt i was shy all this while, you know, the social awkwardness and all. but events that's transpired has made me suspect that it's just a cover-up for me being boring, uncaring and all. after all, it's normal to want to attribute my failings to a known condition rather than a lack of effort on my part.

i'm doubting things about myself i thought to be so very evident back then. but at least i know i'm on the right track. from the way i treat others, and from the way pple respond to me. at the very least, i know i'm better off than those who have no idea how screwed-up they are, or those that are resigned to what they currently are. i was both, and i know i ain't either now. i guess that's a good start.

exercise

haven't really pushed my physical limits for a long long while; been doing it very often nowadays tho. the feeling of being about to collapse any moment (or drowning if in the pool), the constant urge to let the fatigued body take a rest, the sensation of being unable to catch one's breath and the oh-so-sweet taste of cold water at the very end.

one really has to put in work to obtain something before he/she truly appreciates it, i guess.

badminton sessions from midnight till 3am in the morning in hall. continuously, with different opponents, sometimes against 2 at once. not that i'm good but that it's hard to find decent players during the vacation period.

and if there's just one mediocre player, i'll have to resort to using my opponent-no-move tactic which involves me returning shots such that the opponent never has to move more than one step at a time. at least i can train my accuracy, and perhaps my endurance if he/she has sufficient ability to place his/her shots.

before that, the gym sessions after the cross trainings at west coast park. 20m sprints followed by 40m jogs alternately for 2/3 sets of roughly 1.2km each is a killer. the gym exercises serve to build muscle tone and increase my basal metabolic rate. still hate gym tho.

and of course my favourite activity: swimming in the afternoon. the ultimate exercise, i like to advocate and promote to my cynical friends. really hope i'll be able to attain a lifeguard certification sometime soon. wish to be able to teach swimming proper to kids sometime in the near future, besides just physics and chemistry to my future students.

packed mon

met cherlyn at her MCYS workplace today. super tiring la. went to the temp chinatown food centre from hall to pack nice food for our lunch, only to discover it'd moved finally. why couldn't it have just moved abit later. ohwells. so i had to walk to the new venue. then take a train from chinatown to toapayoh. then attempt to walk the 25 journey to MCYS, only to give up halfway and hail a cab. seriously it's alot of trouble la! haha.

then ethel to get her tennis racket for herself and a badminton racket for father's day. must be nice to my potential tennis kakis since i just picked it up recently. and fellow beginners are always great to know better. hehh. she's like her in many senses.. only that their areas of interest are diffferent. one more inclined towards culture, the other sports.

oh finally charmaine for pool (coaching). by this time i was kinda tired out alr. but fortunately our friendship's such that it's stable enough to handle my drifting off at times. hahaha. but doing activities and my natural tendency to want to correct helped me stay alert throughout. during dinner a random qn she asked caught me offguard (i dun usually get caught offguard cos i predict conversations b4 they begin haha).

charm: how would you respond if i said i was interested in you?
me (totally waking up): ehh.. i wun respond, not on the spot. not even to the gal i really like. so.. yeah. haha.
charm: dun misunderstand. i just wanted to get ur opinion cos i have this female friend who really likes this guy and confessed to him.
me: yeah. i figured. i knew no-one would like a person like me. wish someone would ask someday tho. hahaha.
charm: it's like the first time i ever heard u put yourself down!

ohwells. it's not everyday i get asked this question out of the blue. of course i'm allowed a few moments of stunned silence and incoherence in speech. hehh.

busy week

this entire week has been a busy one indeed. mostly flag stuff like industrial and recycling collections. and catchups with friends. hmm. basically i don't really recall a time where i had time to watch TV, play games, or watch DVDs. so i guess it was quite a productive week.

met deb at times marina square whilst i was browsing thru e books there. normally i dun realli like being disturbed randomly whilst i'm reading but this was really a pleasant surprise. hehh. was abt to get a b-day gift for peilee w her but her friends had already arrived for their sec sch gathering. hmmmm. ohwells. then rushed off for my 2nd jive and tango class.

of which was quite eventful. hehhh.

OP comm supper was totally fun. every grp of 6 to make 3 dishes out of an assortment of random ingredients, making 12 dishes in total. supposedly to bond FWOC, flag and rag comm pple, but i din care much abt that, heh. and i realised that just by voicing one's opinions rapidly without thinking too much and in a enthusiastic and engaging manner with eye contact gives pple the impression that one actually knows what to do.

discovered xiaobai was a feb 29 baby. so u just turned 5 this year? u sure are mature for your age haha, i commented. and as expected, she did watch the movie leap years. obviously. haha. then initiated playing touch rugby with a cabbage after someone commented it looked like a football. how childish can i get man.

also met the HQ guys for our annual gathering. reached there late despite being the organiser. furthermore i had happily forgotten to reserve seats at waraku. friday night somemore. ohno, i realised on the taxi. alighted outside waraku then called dickson.

me: sorry i was held up dude. where're u guys man!
dickson: oh at the same place as last year lor. the rm inside waraku.
me: ohhh that's great. coming coming! give me a min.

and i scoured the entire waraku for a good 5 mins, and i couldn't spot them. could be another hidden rm which i haven't seen before, i thought then. so i decided to just call and humbly ask again. michael this time since dickson din pick up straightaway.

me: ehh shit man where're u guys. bluff me la. where got at the same rm.
mike: oh we're sitting somewhere else. hey i see you!
me: really? (turning ard and trying to spot someone familiar)
mike: we're to your 2 o'clock! see us waving towards you?
me: eh still can't see lehs. u come over lead me there la.
mike: bluff you one! we're at Burger King! (laughter in background)

guys, indeed. totally annoying. haha.

phone conversation

hmm recently i've been worried abt being overly concerned abt a friend of mine (yes i know that sounds wrong). my view is that i don't even want to risk having a girl i'm not attracted to getting positive vibes for me. experienced the inverse twice before and the feeling sucks.

so i was telling myself, the next time she calls i'm gonna ignore it. and msg her the next morn saying i was asleep the previous night. then the phone rang. and i picked it up. i have to admit, i didn't expect a teary, broken voice.

apparently, she had just broken up with her b/f. for the next 3 hrs, it was a long journey of emphathising and consoling. it was especially hard given i could barely make out what the hell she was trying to say, given her distraught state and voice. and it isn't exactly polite to say 'say again' or 'can u repeat that' or anything that has that meaning too many times.

so i ended up just feeling the emotion of the words and reacting accordingly with short affirmations to assure her i was listening. or paraphrasing the last few words of her sentences and repeating it occasionally. no choice la. but i think it was more than sufficient to placate her.

sometimes i wonder what guys do on the phone when they're getting bored during an excessively long conversation. esp tempting if it's basically a monologue.

relationships.. it has to be 2-way. if it's just about one party putting in effort and the other just accepting, or even the typical guy-chase-gal-gal-get-touched-and-get-together thingy, i doubt it'll work out in the long term. oh wells. let's just let nature take its course.