reducing (adding H, removing O)

to reduce asking.

to reduce wanting.

i finally understand what it means. albeit in a different context as when i first saw it.

i'm learning how to. gradually. less disappointment, less hurt. more meaning and purpose in my life than trivial emotional matters that never could be resolved simply.

retaking

for the first time i ever had this feeling of having to retake a module. i mean, how hard is it to get a F grade. as long as u have some rudimentary knowledge it should suffice, wouldn't it? nope. not for this certain module. yes. quantum mechanics.

the notations are horrendously abstract and numerous and the concepts hard to grasp. but honestly i din really put in effort until the very end so i can't say much. only that this was one module i couldn't handle with a last-ditch effort. i got the main thrust of the content and its applications by the exam, but screwed the 30% CA grade. by a lot.

if it had been a bell-curve system, i wouldn't have been too worried. but there're only 19 students this sem and the lecturer assured me that he would be all too glad to fail half the class if need be, only so that they won't suffer in higher-level modules. and that he was allowed to. benevolent, indeed.

shucks. oh wells. let's just study hard for my other modules. after this horrendous few weeks of focussing on such abstract and mind-wracking content, reading up on stuff like thermodynamics and physical chemistry will actually prove to be interesting; political science should be therapeutic. hehh.

tired

no it's not the studying i'm tired of. it's the constant thinking of trivial stuff. it's unacceptable, at this time especially. i can't forgive myself for it but yet i can't help but doing so. have been thinking abt it all after that dinner with sis in which she mentioned some stuff.

not totally unexpected, but yet it still affected me. a lot.

i'm not sure if it's partly due to the exam stress, but i'm really feeling tired of it. does it matter at all, i've been beginning to wonder recently. but i can't help but do, give, offer, converse. why care so much if the other party doesn't. it's been so long.

i'm still willing to wait, to try. but it all seems so futile. i feel helpless. sometimes effort isn't all that important, especially if it's misguided; a misaligment of desires.

i think i'll just let it go for now, and think about it after the exams when everything can be seen in a clearer light and everyone is able to behave in a manner unaffected by the setting at the moment.

fave module

finally done with all tests and projects. i guess it's time to really focus on exam preps alr. really enjoyed the last lec ytd.. my ES2007S module. it's been my fave module to date; really find the content taught useful and applicable to daily situations, and the lecturer is like eons more engaging than those lecturers from science who appear to speak thin air and enunciate words like they have mentos in their mouths. the small group size of 20 really did help in bonding all of us in a way and i must say i really did enjoy gg for every lesson (which is quite a statement, coming from a degenerate student like me haha)

did find it quite a touching sight that more than a few of us brought cameras to take pictures at the very end, and i did my part by compiling the contacts and organising the layout of the pple for the grp shot. the latter's kind of a habit now after so many years of events and sports photography. really hope my future students will value my lessons and their classmates just half as much as our module peeps does; it'll be a personal achievement for me indeed then.

less than a week before my 1st exam. and still worried abt my dumb quantum physics module. from what i heard from the lecturer, 10 out of 19 students in the cohort currently holds a failing grade for the 2 tests of 15% each thus far; the mark distribution being 2 upward-facing humps with the zero points at 0, 50 and 100. i guess for physics, it's a case of whether you see the physical meaning in the abstract concepts, formulas and symbols. if u can't do it, u likely will never be able to do it. hehh. hopefully i can make it!

inability

i'm disgusted by my inability to put aside trivial thoughts out of my mind and simply focus on work. i will therefore pen them down and begone with them till the end of the exams on the 7th. was just talking to my friend who happened to pop by my room for a chat which invariably veered towards r/ship issues towards the end. afterall we did share similar situations and i guess it was the key issue we wanted to discuss and let out so as to better rid our mind of.

apparently he had assumed i had set sights on others and wished to offer his help. no, i assured him; i wish i could. first i have to seek closure with a certain someone. i guess avoiding the issue wun help. it never did after so long and i doubt it will. avoiding the person's harder; i dun exactly find it hard not having contact with her for a few days at a go unlike before. but still, it's not an ideal situation. it'll be really quite unfair to the person i'm gg after or am with in the future.

one of the hardest questions i ever had to answer 'what will you do if she shows signs of liking you whilst we're together?' no, i wasn't lying when i gave you my reply. i never did try cos i knew i would be discovered in a moment. but it was with much hesitation. it doesn't matter now, tho. all i can say is that there was no-one else in my mind when we were together.

advice from a senior hall-stayer and a mutual friend: she sure is likeable and it's not exactly your fault for liking her despite everything, but i'd think it wise to clarify matters with her. at least to clear the air and doubts about each other since it should be quite obvious to her after all this while, yet she has to give you the benefit of the doubt due to your lack of concrete action.

hmm but i shall put aside all this thoughts aside immediately after this post till after the 7th, or even later. doubt the outcome will change should i delay it till after that. feel that some things are meant to happen. just like the 1st time i met you; i felt then you would be someone special to me in my life. my view on that has never once wavered since then, nor do i see it to be anything otherwise in the near future. be it mutual or not, it doesn't matter. you have shown me how it's like to know someone and truly like them for what they are, even down to the minute details and the flaws which seem so insignificant. i doubt i'll ever fall for someone as i did for you ever again, such is the person that you are.

hidden

certain words carry with them a hidden meaning, certain people contain within them hidden feelings. thoughts as well, can be hidden, be it for the evident benefit of oneself or simply for others. even as i seem to express everything on this blog, there is one thing I would never say, or even think of hinting at (no, i doubt this entry hints at it much).

some things were meant to happen, some choices were meant to be made. when i look back, i feel i've made decent choices by following my heart, guided by my rationality and inhibited by my conscience. sometimes, you just have to make a conscious choice to seem to make a conscious choice. it's the only way to go.

life is never that simple even as I wish it to be and act like it is.

outlook

went to Chinatown for dilys' 21st ytd. the theme was tattoos. was searching the entire damn place with shiyun and michelle for a particular spray-on tattoo shop to little avail, when we chanced upon thyeheng and angel who happened to have found another one. sometimes things do turn out such that in the midst of finding something or someone, you just coincidentally chance upon something or someone similar, or even better. it happens at times. mostly when you least expect it.

walked past the dance studio which i used to patronise frequently back before i entered uni. memories materialised into images in my mind right then. the first time i was exposed to proper dance training. the first time i felt part of something i deemed a second home. the first time i learned how to look at a full-length mirror whilst dancing w/o feeling awkwardness. the first time i fell in love (infatuation i realised later on). the first time i had an interest not related to sports.

beginner and intermediate lessons mostly revolved around teaching of the basics and specific moves respectively. the instructors at the centre, the participants in a circle around them. the guys periodically switched partners in a clockwise direction, the purpose to expose themselves to different partners with invariably different feels and styles. keeping constant eye contact and a steady smile whilst dancing did prove to be quite impossible at the start, given my difficulty in even memorising the steps and also my discomfort with close contact and conversation with virtual strangers. but over the course of a few weeks, it all disapppeared and confidence became more than just a mere word.

it all felt so good, knowing so many people whilst having fun myself. everything seems to be so different now. somehow i just have a less positive outlook towards that. no longer spend time with just anyone, but selective ones. busyness with pertinent matters has meant that i have to narrow down, however unwillingly, the people i hang out and have meaningful conversations with.

it's obvious especially in hall, in which the way i treat people varies tremendously. for one grp, I actually bother to get to know better through conversations, be it online or face-face, and really open up and sincerely listen to. the other grp, i.e. the majority, it's basically perfunctory talk, the occasional smile and inaction on my part, partly to prevent them from wanting to know me better haha. well. choices have to be made. and i've made mine. compared to the advent when i treated everyone well and spread out my time with each of them too thinly, i should think i've made a better choice now.

randomness

really wish to say certain things right here.. but yet so afraid of getting misintepreted once again. it's been so long since we knew each other, and there's been so many fluctuations in either direction, though you might not have felt it. it's been almost 2 years since then, and i wish there'll be no more of that.. i'm tired of the various processes of trying to forget and ignore and wishing for more at times. content with what i have now. hope the plateau has been reached.

trust me when i say i'm satisfied with our current status. no longer hope for anything more than that; it's enough for me. i guess u can sense that i'm happy like this. feel regret that i'll no longer be able to do as much for you as i wish to in the future - you're truly the one i wish to see happy and do things for without feeling obliged to, even though i never once said it to you, and doubt i ever will. sometimes i feel it's ironic that i actually cared and felt for you much more than i did the one i was supposed to.

hmm seriously contemplating joining flag once again to once again feel the feeling of camaraderie and achievement. of course it helps that pple i'm close to are already in it, but somehow feel i should do something different this hols.. perhaps bolster certain knowledge in my field and teaching techniques before my school attachment in jul, get involved in more community-based projects, and finally go for the underwater diving course if possible. but some things are certain.. have to brush up on my guitar and dance again, as well as go for some driving refresher courses. haha.. already have plans for something a few months later. hope i'm well equipped and all goes well then :)

mutual respect is really the key aspect to maintaining a relationship, as quite a few friends have mentioned to me. think it's high time to get myself up to scratch before i even contemplate getting into anything. if i can't even respect or take care of myself i doubt i have the capability to care for or allow others to feel the same for me. for now, it's back to square one. me, my family and my friends. it's more than sufficient for the time being.

falling

i guess yesterday was the first time alot of frens witnessed me in an agitated state. insung, yeng: sorry for not allowing myself to cool down properly b4 i spoke to you pple. and to her: conflicting wants of wanting to share all my emotions and problems with you, compared to that of the joy/relief at seeing you and simply wanting to enjoy a conversation with you ensures that i never really know how to behave around you. thanks for everything nonetheless; u've made my hall stay truly worthwhile.

packed lunch with sokie at biz today and was walking down the stairs overlooking the 1st level of HSSML, when i inadvertently slipped and fell down quite a long flight of stairs. whatever the cause, be it my worn-out slippers or the wet surface, it din matter. my phone scattered in different parts over the ground. my lunch in shambles. blood seeping out of the fresh wounds. pain emanating from the bruises and possible sprains suffered. it din matter.

things happen. what matters is to react accordingly and pick oneself up.

i just sat there for a moment thinking of everything that i felt the previous night. if i had been given the choice to either feel that or fall a dozen more times on the spot, i would have readily chosen the latter. and more. the hurt and disappointment contained within me just flowed out in torrents then.

i slowly got up, commented wryly on the fact that i guess i wasn't meant to have lunch today, and assured sokie that i was fine with a smile; after all, the physical injuries and tangible losses din really matter to me then, and i din want her to worry unduly. went to wash up in the washroom, and as the tapwater gushed over my open wounds, the mixture of blood and water flowing into the sink gradually became less and less reddish, and more like typical clear water.

i guess one can only be hurt that much, and time will assuage all wounds, just like blood from wounds has to stop flowing after a certain time period. soon, i'll be like what i was before, with a mind uncluttered and untainted, just like the clear and steady flow of water from the tap.

letting go

it would be naive to think i could cease thinking of you immediately after we ended everything. memories of the past do flow back naturally as i pass by certain places, listen to certain songs, see certain events unfolding, or simply lie on my bed looking around at the room that is so distinctly different from before i knew you.

but i guess it's all natural, even healthy. i wouldn't be able to face myself if i simply got on with my life without at least a little wistfulness and reminiscence, for it shows how much i valued the time we spent and the things we did, and that getting together in the first place wasn't exactly a mistake on our part.

but it seems i'm coping really well with the change, partly due to the fact that we had a terrible week prior to our breakup which was entirely not worth remembering. and that i now know what i want in my life and what you truly need. also worth at least a mention:

guys: for jio-ing me to go on a shoe-stealing rampage on april's fool. it really took my mind off things for a good while.

girls: for retaliating - smearing the toilet seats with deep heat and stealing my underwear whilst i was in the toilet. it pissed me off so much i was complaining abt it the whole day. but on hindsight i think it was really damn amusing.

dilys: for consoling me in your own unique way and volunteering your bf as advisor. i'll definitely get you something nice for your b-day next week.

jack: for initiating a meetup and spending so much time talking to and advising me on matters. really appreciate it and was really enlightened thereafter. thanks for being there when i needed someone.

jas: gg with my 'walk to fong seng to get some teh peng' whim and entertaining me online despite ur evident busyness with various matters.

yeng: for the good conversation that night and in a way helping to prevent me from doing something tt could have made matters worse.

deb/shiyun: caring for and listening to me, talking things out and making me feel that i wasn't alone in all this. and keep what i told you later to yourself kies - it's supposed to be private and confidential, hehh.

sokie: for not once consoling me and treating me like nothing happened. at times i actually felt like nothing actually happened haha. okies la. thanks for accompanying me at times and busting my phone bill by refusing to use your house phone heh.

insung: for asking me out for lunches, dinners, popping by regularly to check if i was fine and sharing ur troubles with me whilst listening to mine. thank you for your constant attention, sincerity and trust towards me. appreciate everything you did. and i hope i was a good listener and helped u see certain things in a different light too :)

wormy: guess you were still the one who knew best. esp since you knew everything that happened given our weekly suppers cum updates. thanks for coming down at short notice for a few nights in a row, giving me your harsh 2cents worth when i exclaimed that she was being troublesome and that i couldn't take it anymore, then listening to me patiently and giving me personal advice when i realised my mistakes. not to mention the mutual understanding/humour/dumb stories/friendly digs that has characterised our conversations since so long back, and which gave me much comfort and a sense of continuity. really treasure our 10 yrs of friendship thus far.