working post

as a quick followup to my previous post, yes all is fine and well with my colleague/friend. got a throat inflammation today, and took my very 1st MC since i officially became a teacher - din want to aggravate it on Mon and suffer for the next 4 days.

been less focussed on work the previous 2 weeks, for reasons unlike those post-event. kind of switched the focus of my life from work/students back to myself too excessively, and i felt suddenly motivated to strike a balance between the two today. maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

it's time to get back into top gear for the next month in preparation of the final exams. and i shall look forward to the lull period as a form of motivation! no more procrastination, inefficient working, or pure indifference at times! i know i can do it.

it hurts alot less now, and i've got quite a few to thank for that, in particular the tennis buddy and the bro/cous family combo. i dunno whether they were there so often because they wanted to or because they had to, but either way, their company and presence was really invaluable, in a way no-one can fathom.

shall stay on till 5pm everyday (yes i've been leaving earlier) in school for this week, settling admin matters properly and doing my job to the max, going the extra mile for my students.

later's the 1st match of the new season for Man Utd - at 230am. i wanted to sleep early and wake early but i guess it'll have to wait till after tml. will work till 12, then nap till 2, after which i will mark my papers whilst watching soccer.

ok 3 more hours to go! the lesson overview for the week is done and i feel really clear as to exactly what to do during what lesson, unlike last week where i just decided the day before. haha horrible right! let's start on the answer scheme for C10 TB exercise...

bad start to the long weekend

today's national day and school ends at 10am, after which i had a badminton session with one class and a movie with another, tentatively dinner with a friend. and then it would be 4 days of break ahead.

so today during school i was in high spirits, being less strict than normal and just simply chatting to the students happily as there were no lessons, just class activities and performances.

and after the performance prizes were given out to the best decorated noticeboards which my form class won - imagine how i felt then - totally joyful and smiling constantly. and i guess in this state i was less inhibited than normal.

had earlier heard from a teacher that another class had seemed to copy our class' concept as it looked v similar. and then i saw the co-form of that class along the corridor, of which was my fellow practicum trainee and a trusted friend.

so i commented randomly (as usual) to her that her class seemed to have copied their concept from mine, as a joke of sorts, and i felt weird that she seemed to be less jovial than normal. i moved off to chat to my students after that, not knowing what was to happen next.

on the way to the badminton courts and in higher spirits, 3 random girls from that class confronted me about my words, and i was taken aback (just like those innocent guys when they are accused of something).

it was kind of a total mood-spoiler, as i hadn't meant it that way, and partly cos i felt really hurt that someone i trusted so much could relay such a skewed picture of me to her students.

so i sms-ed her to confirm that she did say that, and the initial reply sounded quite hostile and accusatory, which was rare and somehow set the tone for the ensuing sms-es, in which i veered between explaining and apologising (which i felt compelled to).

basically the conversation was something like this:

Me: did you tell your class that i said this?
Her: didn't you say that just now?
Me: it was a casual comment n you know i din mean it that way. but sry if i implied any illwill.
Her: (describing exactly what i said literally), which part did i get wrong abt your comments?
Me: it was more of a random comment from a friend, not a fellow form-teacher. hope u uds i wasn't really accusing your class of anything.
Her: am i supposed to laugh about that? my class spent the entire noon doing it ytd.

ok at this point i wasn't so much caring what her class would think of me, more about how to manage this so it wouldn't become awkward btw us in the future. i definitely prefer one more friend in the office.

afterall, even though the intent was not wrong, the words were, and i doubt she was in a very good mood to start with. i mean, i'm very easily annoyed by seemingly harmless comments by others and keep grudges thereafter when i was in a horrible mood then. of course others feel the same.

i guess i just have to watch my words in the future, and note that the friend-colleague boundary for others may not be so blurred unlike mine. i don't really behave like a professional colleague when around closer teacher friends and i guess my uninhibitedness with words may cause me trouble at times.

sigh.

hmmm

apparently the cousin had linked me on his blog again, hence exposing me to unwanted visitors on mine.

the kind which derives pleasure from discussing me and my shenanigans with fellow like-minded people, and whom i have no desire to share any bit of my personal life with.

ohwells. i don't really like the current address anyways. shall switch again in the coming days when i think of a nice one.

quotes from inception

some select quotes from the movie:

Cobb: [from trailer] Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.

Eames: [Shows up while Arthur is in a gunfight] You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

Mal: You're waiting for a train; a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't be sure. Yet it doesn't matter - because we'll be together.

Mal: You keep telling yourself what you know. But what do you believe? What do you feel? Cobb: Guilt.

Cobb: I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go.

self-justifying

i've always prided myself for being rational and logical but the exex recently mentioned that i was far from that - that i was really emotional instead. obviously i'm not gg to take her words at face value but now that i think abt it, i'm not really sure of myself now.

utilising self-justifying logic is my way to make me believe in the decisions i make, to make me feel good at having made the right choices, to give myself and others a plausible reason when things don't go right.

it's the end-result of having things not go my way since young, hence the development of such a complex. if i hadn't resorted to this method, i would very well have sunk into depression, being the sensitive and very self-conscious boy i was then.

this time, i must admit i may have treaded wrongly. even i can't know for sure. but ohwells. things come and go, they say; i can only wish the right one comes along once again. time to justify my decision once again to make myself feel less affected.

the cooldown period

a cooldown period away from each other allows both parties to really see the importance (or non-importance) to each other, so as to be able to reassess the r/s and see whether its gg anywhere and whether you can really do w/o the other party in your life.

yes i know i'm sounding like a pussy (commented by wormy) but i somehow wished i hadn't gone with her impulsive 'let's end it' after i expressed my concerns that i hadn't really enjoyed her company over the past few weeks. she was really upset by it as it's way hard for her as a nurse to get a weekend off (i'm normally busy on the weekdays).

i really should have understood then that she didn't really mean it, and if i were in her shoes, given all the efforts i had given to meet the bf, i would expect him to be more appreciative. but i couldn't. i didn't really want to back down and i wanted a talk about it instead of me being accused of being insensitive.

i should have insisted on a period to contemplate matters instead.

after all, it's no one's fault that for the past few dates she had been meeting me mostly after 12-hr shifts and i hadn't exactly gotten the conversation and interactions i normally expect for a typical date. i must admit i was really frustrated at times with the sterile atmosphere and sometimes i really wondered then.

yes, that's one of the main reasons i couldn't bring myself to refuse her intent. for me, i pondered over whether i could take this for the rest of my life, since she was passionate about her job and i was too for mine. i thought long and hard over whether i could bear the occasional (or maybe even regular) tiring date even after i sacrificed my work (have to work till 3am the day b4 and after e date)to meet her.

was i also willing to let my loved one sacrifice and put in effort for the rest of her life to secure weekend-offs so we could spend more quality time together? was it fair to her?

also, i thought long term - was the love we shared sufficient to last us through the trials and tribulations of married life? would it be good for both of us if one party went to work when the other came back and one party was really upset but had to go to sleep alone because the other party was at work?

and i'm not even yet discussing the part where the kids come in.

i know i'm not the very independent kind, and i can't possibly continue to satisfy my needs for conversation and human interaction by meeting friends on a regular basis like i do now. it would seem much less proper then (kid: mummy, daddy went to meet uncle/auntie for supper around midnight ytd!).

it's been only 1 week, and it seems like an eternity. her b-day's in 3 days after which she's gg on a short trip overseas. 'll have to arrange a meetup with her sometime soon; i think both of us need to talk.

card-inspired

i haven't taken down the beautiful giant cards she made me for my b-day, and the 1st, 6th monthniversarys. after my mum commented on it, we jokingly concluded that it was really good decoration for my room and decided to keep it as it was.

not like i'm gg to get attached anytime soon anyway. i need time to sort myself out.

i'm not the kind who junks and destroys every single memory of the ex, for i believe it to be quite a erroneous action - there were happy memories, not just the sad ones. what if one day you simply wished to relive those memories (ok, i guess most pple will be shaking their heads at this pt) through the photos and gifts?

ok, at least for me i would. i recall asking pl for our pix (i was q lazy w photography in the past and it din last long anyways) a few mths after she unceremoniously left me. everything in life's worth remembering, for life is short - one doesn't make many memorable moments, honestly. no point dwelling on the upsetting ones.

it's been a long journey (i feel) and i can't but go anywhere in SG but recall the memorable words we spoke and the hilarious actions we indulged in. i can't listen to certain songs w/o invoking memories, esp of that day at the bali k-box. i can't play on my WII or watch movies using my com connected to the TV w/o remembering all those moments.

hell, i even think of her when i take a cab at night and there's a 50% service charge meter running.

all the museums, all the food places, all the holidays, all the sweet moments we spent together. it was unprecedented. indeed, even as one may say this period was a short one, it was indeed an eventful and fulfilling one, of which i hope both parties can look back and genuinely exclaim that it's been a wonderful experience.

closed my room door lest someone see the silent tearing.

burning bridges

today another of her friends sent me a considerably long (~200words) personal msg on fb, of which i have to say really sounded v non-judgmental and well-thought out. so i decided to spend a good 15 minutes and a good amount of thought replying his queries.

so after 700 words and a fair bit of reminiscing, i was done with my reply. it really feels quite therapeutic to write it all out, esp in response to questions instead of just randomly from my mind.

i know that i'm quite guilty of making things sound less emotional and more impersonal than i really feel, but that's just my style of writing. and when i actually sound v emotional, sometimes it's by choice too. it's not like i'm not capable of altering my style to sound a certain way. but enough abt that.

talking things through, gg thru all the details with friends who volunteer to listen or simply provide you with company and good conversation really does help. it's really eased me thru the entire process, which was far more painful and less clear-cut than the previous one. i used to think that i could solve all problems by myself. i was wrong, and i'm glad i have friends who are willing to help.

L jokingly commented on sat that he was half-expecting me to get back together with her, and being one of the few who know me well, i was silently impressed by his comment. yes of course i do think about it at times, and wonder if there's someone actually more suited for me than her. after all, it's one thing to find someone whom u think is suited for you; its another thing for her to feel the same way.

but apparently all her friends are pissed at me for my sudden decision (so what, i'm supposed to let it drag on to an inevitable ending and waste her time? maybe it would have been better, i wouldn't know) and my closer friends and parents somehow thought it was the right choice after hearing my views over the past mths.

but i'm to blame for not giving her closure. i should have, but i din get the chance to do so then, and i'm not about to affect her by insisting on a talk now. it just isn't right, however much i want to meet her - i can't possibly lie and say i don't miss her presence at times. i'm at fault here.

i've been giving her friends set-in-stone comments that i'm v resolute about my decision, so it's hard to backtrack on my words, however much i want to. with every passing day, it seems more of a mistake. but that could be the effect of an increased sense of loneliness and solitude caused by the sudden influx of time and loss.

it's the start of a new, hectic workweek again; gg to be very busy this week with all my classes starting their new topics. really looking forward to the long National Day weekend!

vilified

a close friend, J and a member of the girl gang pm-ed me on fb just now, and unreservedly gave me her 2 cents worth on what she thought about me:

J
its really good that you gal such a good gal up..
Me
?
J
i mean its really good that you given annabelle up..
Me
why
J
because you not worth for her..
Me
oh i see..
J
i never knew that you are such a bastard person.
it really good for us to see it through you before everything was even settle
J
the only thing that all of us wish is you could leave annabelle alone.. i guess from the day you said hash things you should expected all this could happen..and guess won't even want to have anything more thing for annabelle to do with you...
Me
i dun really understand what you're saying. nor do i believe you really know me for what i am. and i dun think you know exactly what happened. but you are entitled to think what u wish to think.
that is your choice.
J
i do know wat happen... it doesn;t matter to me what kind a person you are... anyway you kist a bastard to us.. so this is wat we think if you..
Me
ok noted
J
that all i would have to say...

i was much more annoyed with having to bear and second-guess her atrocious english, but i shall refrain from saying more lest i be labelled an elitist and nitpicker. i was, however, not at all affected by what she said, and i believe it a good sign (or maybe i'm just good at justifying my actions haha).

after all, if i had been affected by what J said, i must have really indulged in 'bastard'-esque actions or must be someone who doesn't feel. and obviously i feel, i mean, i just touched the table and felt something rough.

oh wells, i dun really blame J for it. i mean, one thing would be that J only gets the point-of-view from her friend's perspective. also as a close friend and a seemingly not very rational person (my opinion) i am in no doubt that she chose to believe everything she was told, whilst filling in the blanks of the story in order to vilify me in her mind so she could more easily spout stuff which could help convince her friend that losing me was for the best.

i mean, i doubt any normal female would say stuff like: oh he was too good for you and you were just not up-to-par so u deserved to lose him and it was all your fault. if anyone said that to her i would gladly slap her for being so insolent. trust me on that.

so i'm not exactly surprised by J's actions - it's what i expect from her. and i believe she will be one of the supports that will be required post-ending, just like even I require my friends to be there for me in times of loneliness and sorrow. i appreciate J for being one of hers.

moodless

i'm glad for being a teacher, in times like this. the presence of the students who adore me and respect me for who i am helps allay the sense of loss and belonging. the purpose i feel when i prepare and carry out my lessons allow me to stop thinking, to stop missing.

but it's almost the end of wed, and i can't help but feel the dark chasm of loneliness and melancholy in the depths of the night. yes, i do miss her. of course i do, for we were even at the stage where we contemplated marriage.

we did well with each other's families, and we were totally comfortable in each others' presence. i miss having someone to call or sms when i'm feeling down, miss receiving i-miss-you msges in the middle of the night. i miss having someone to tease and joke with. i miss the hugs and the kisses, the hand-holding and walks.

sometimes i really have to struggle to recollect the reasons we ended it, the reasons which i justified so very well then. then i recall the moments which i did not miss that much. yes, we could have been a decent couple, but not a great one, i feel. time will serve to numb the hurt and upset that i feel now, or to amplify the missing and the memories more.

i can't help but think that if i met her earlier, minus my higher expectations and prior experiences, it could have worked out perfectly, and i would not have had much complaints about anything, for i too, would not have had any basis of comparison with which to gauge my current partner with. but then again it's all speculation, of which i can currently do without.