you

was thinking back on the times we spent together back then, and i have to say it's been realli memorable indeed. the overnight chats, the late night suppers, the meaningful and trivial topics we discussed at length, the activities we partook in. despite the minor hiccup we encountered a while back, i have realli enjoyed every moment we spent together. nothing can realli explain the feeling i get when i'm in ur company; it's a tad of belonging, anticipation, longing, bliss, and comfort all in one. i believe they call it love.

know that amidst all the minor issues that occur once in a while, my feelings for you has never once abated since the day we got to know each other better, and particularly after entering into a relationship with you. you once mentioned the fact that you were in a way glad abt my tendency to think things through thoroughly before i took action, and i believe my choice then pertaining to you has never once proven me otherwise. i'm now much more definite abt my feelings towards you, especially after the self-imposed cooldown period we both agreed was necessary, and in which i thought at length about our relationship, its implications, the inherent differences between us and whether a long-term relationship was possible.

given my tendency to keep my deepest feelings to myself, believe me when i tell you that i have never felt so strongly about someone before you came into my life. and that especially after i've thought it over in the typically rational and thoughtful manner u're so accustomed to. trust me when i tell you i believe my feelings for you are real and justified and that my actions thereafter will show you the intensity of the emotions i have towards you. have faith in me when i give you my word that i'll always be there for you despite everything, that i love you for what you truly are, that i'd love to have the honour to take care of you for my entire lifetime.

i know that u have doubts over my being adequate to give you the love, care and concern you so deserve, and justly so, given my inexperience in handling certain issues. but do understand that i'm trying my utmost best to learn, to adapt, to change certain aspects of myself so as to allow myself to love you in a manner you expect and wish me to. i sincerely hope that one day, both of us will be able to revel in each other's company, fully content and satisfied with the love, passion, mutual understanding, and presence that a true relationship constitutes.

i love you, peilee.

clarity of thought

the past few days have passed by at a rapid pace, but for different reasons. after the incident on Sun, I could do nothing more than simply sleep the day away despite my restlessness given my state of mind - it wasn't like i could do anything productive anyway and my mum would have been very worried if she saw me reading or playing games with a contemplative, downcast expression. imagine that :)

monday was alot better, in that i simply immersed myself in work other than the time i was chatting to you. albeit i did accompany a visibly depressed friend to fong seng and back to offer him a listening ear and some advice late night. the irony of it all, i thought then. was half-joking to one of my closest friends in hall thereafter about how it seems like a long-distance r/ship now, but on a serious note, i should say it was a good decision on your part.

not being able to see each other face-to-face allows the awkwardness from the dispute to assuage gradually and not be amplified, furthermore, i believe it allows us to see more clearly the differences between us. meeting up often would allow the sweetness felt during this so-called honeymoon period to cover up, albeit partially, what would lead to long-term repercussions in the future. i doubt that you would have told me what you felt abt me so soon had it all not happened, and in a way i'm glad for it as i am now more aware of your feelings, and am able to react accordingly in hope of a truly harmonious long-term relationship.

at the same time, i guess it will allow us to know whether our feelings for each other are genuine and strong. it will also help to slowly integrate us into the process of being one, by allowing us to resolve our other priorities in life and having more quality time for each other eventually, rather than spending too much time together and worrying about one's uncompleted tasks and jobs.

let's work hard together towards a scenario where when both of us are able to truly enjoy and revel in each other's company and love without residual worries of any kind, be it academic or job-related issues, and in which both parties respect and admire each other for who they are.

aftermath

thank you for telling me everything.. i really appreciate it. in a way i was expecting all that just now. only that u did not wish to mention it, perhaps so as to spare me the expected hurt i guess. i see the differences as well as u do, esp the background and handling of situations, of which comes naturally, but i yet believe it is not totally impt for them to be similar for a r/ship to work out, the key being communication and mutual understanding.

as for the part abt my future, i know it is far from desirable. have thought abt it, esp after meeting you - admire the way you handle and have a clear understanding abt matters pertaining to daily life. have procrastinated thinking abt it for way too long, and cannot accept myself for it. my attitude has since changed and subsequent actions will be seen in the very near future, for my own good.

from all u've said.. i somewhat feel that everything that had happened has allowed us to know each other's feelings better, esp what you feel about me. i could feel your wanting to say what you said on certain occasions, but you held it back in consideration for my feelings and i appreciate your intention. also, i believe that after u said everything, it seems that both of us will not be able to make it in the long term. but, however cliqued and last-resort it may sound, give me a chance and some time to prove that i'm willing and able to improve, for myself and for our future. i'm not saying this out of desperation; do take note of it as a point for consideration.

should you wish to end it before giving me a chance to prove myself, i will definitely feel a deep sense of loss of what could have been, however, i will respect your decision. lastly, i cherish all the times we've spent thus far and the memories we shared, and hope that we can be the close friends we once were if things do not work out eventually; it isn't everyday that u meet someone whose company and conversation u so enjoy :)

i give you my assurance that i'll give you the space and time u need to make a decision without trying to affect it through my actions. after that, i sincerely hope that both of us can make a mature decision to sit down and have a open talk at the end, be it to end or continue the r/ship, to ensure closure such that there'll be no resentment or misunderstanding. promise me just that, peilee.


love,
liangwei

random thoughts

peilee. i know that reading this blog has brought up memories and thoughts within yourself of an unpleasant nature, but i hope that you understand that it was all written on an impulse in a state of emotional turmoil on my part and much of it was either overly exaggerated or simply non-existent altogether. what little i can do now other than talking it out face-to-face with you will be to simply highlight certain parts of my blog and tell you in a rational state of mind how i really feel.


had dinner with you after that day after our lessons, and I somewhat felt that the spark and chattiness that once characterised our meals had abated considerably, be it due to your condition or my wandering mind. you also mentioned that my casual comments seemed like personal attacks aimed at yourself, and after the entire event and considerable reflection, i have to concur with you - i subconsciously did it. was always one to mirror the other person's attitude towards me. furthermore, i have always been one to focus on a person's strengths and view his weaknesses as natural and a part of him/her, unless it be a serious flaw which i feel can and should be corrected. lastly, i have to say that you have been pointing out my flaws alot the past few days. not jokingly and casually, but critically and repeatedly.

looking back, i guess during dinner, at that moment both of us were preoccupied with thoughts and weren't fully focussing then. and i must say that your pointing out of my flaws.. i actually find it quite amusing and take it well; i was just feeling tired then and perceived it negatively.


read your blog and discovered that you still had feelings for him, despite you reassuring me previously that u would no longer like the current him after what happened. no, i don't feel deceived, only disappointed after i realised that i glean a lot of information from your blog instead of from you yourself. i believe your previous bfs must have commented on this trait of yours - to hide your contemplative side from others and show only your joyful side, yet expecting people to somehow understand you for who you really are.

sometimes i wonder, would you go back to him when he actually pops the question a year later as promised by the both of you? i believe in closure for matters of the heart; forgetting the person fully is not the key, but accepting that things would no longer work out, and so that there would be no residual feelings nor regrets. however, that seems not to be the case for you and him. i sense that due to the circumstances of the break-up, you will forever hold him in a special place in your heart, be it your conscious choice or not. and should this not be resolved, it will be evident to whoever is with you at any stage of your life and lead to resentment developing in them. would it be fair to the other party if your heart is not totally with them?

note that this is simply a repeating of what i read from your blog and as both of us agreed, the blog is an avenue to let out one's emotions. you told me thereafter in person that i should not take what you write in blogs seriously and i was convinced as i felt the same way too.


of course, i'm no saint either. i somehow understand how you feel - can't totally forget her despite us not being together before, as things were never really resolved between us. and similar to you liking the communication btw you and him, i really enjoy the communication i enjoy with her too. the way she msges, the way she speaks, and the things we talk about. if she had just opened up to me to a greater extent, i may actually have been willing to wait for her despite everything.

know that i feel for you much greater than i ever did for her, and the reason i even mentioned her then in such glowing terms is unknown to me now. believe in me when i say that i would have chosen you even if she had opened up to me. my feelings towards you are justified by mutual understanding and good communication unlike hers which are based more on infatuation and first impressions.

differences and discontent between us are beginning to surface, slowly but surely. you likely feeling dissatifaction about me no longer being the intelligent, witty, determined guy that i appeared to be at the advent and also about my obvious flaws. me feeling unhappy about your making me feel inadequate as a person and not trusting in me enough to share with me your troubles.

i believe it's natural that differences emerge. and i must say you give me confidence and reassurance in whatever i do; u can observe it clearly from me. and u share with me what i wish to know when i ask - u know better. i have no idea why i wrote the contrary previously.

maybe your entering my life at this stage was not exactly a timely one. like you mentioned, he entered your life and you accepted him well because you were at a stage where everything seemed to be doing well in all aspects. i'm still struggling to meet my personal and academic expectations, and the only tried and tested way for me to achieve it is to simply shut myself up, cease improvement in other areas for the time-being and immerse myself in them.

know that i'm coping well in my life now. maybe even better. i hope u understand that there are times where u feel your life is gg nowhere and maybe even worthless and this was what i felt when typing this. your entering my life is a motivation for me in my other tasks and the best thing that could ever have happened.