random thoughts

peilee. i know that reading this blog has brought up memories and thoughts within yourself of an unpleasant nature, but i hope that you understand that it was all written on an impulse in a state of emotional turmoil on my part and much of it was either overly exaggerated or simply non-existent altogether. what little i can do now other than talking it out face-to-face with you will be to simply highlight certain parts of my blog and tell you in a rational state of mind how i really feel.


had dinner with you after that day after our lessons, and I somewhat felt that the spark and chattiness that once characterised our meals had abated considerably, be it due to your condition or my wandering mind. you also mentioned that my casual comments seemed like personal attacks aimed at yourself, and after the entire event and considerable reflection, i have to concur with you - i subconsciously did it. was always one to mirror the other person's attitude towards me. furthermore, i have always been one to focus on a person's strengths and view his weaknesses as natural and a part of him/her, unless it be a serious flaw which i feel can and should be corrected. lastly, i have to say that you have been pointing out my flaws alot the past few days. not jokingly and casually, but critically and repeatedly.

looking back, i guess during dinner, at that moment both of us were preoccupied with thoughts and weren't fully focussing then. and i must say that your pointing out of my flaws.. i actually find it quite amusing and take it well; i was just feeling tired then and perceived it negatively.


read your blog and discovered that you still had feelings for him, despite you reassuring me previously that u would no longer like the current him after what happened. no, i don't feel deceived, only disappointed after i realised that i glean a lot of information from your blog instead of from you yourself. i believe your previous bfs must have commented on this trait of yours - to hide your contemplative side from others and show only your joyful side, yet expecting people to somehow understand you for who you really are.

sometimes i wonder, would you go back to him when he actually pops the question a year later as promised by the both of you? i believe in closure for matters of the heart; forgetting the person fully is not the key, but accepting that things would no longer work out, and so that there would be no residual feelings nor regrets. however, that seems not to be the case for you and him. i sense that due to the circumstances of the break-up, you will forever hold him in a special place in your heart, be it your conscious choice or not. and should this not be resolved, it will be evident to whoever is with you at any stage of your life and lead to resentment developing in them. would it be fair to the other party if your heart is not totally with them?

note that this is simply a repeating of what i read from your blog and as both of us agreed, the blog is an avenue to let out one's emotions. you told me thereafter in person that i should not take what you write in blogs seriously and i was convinced as i felt the same way too.


of course, i'm no saint either. i somehow understand how you feel - can't totally forget her despite us not being together before, as things were never really resolved between us. and similar to you liking the communication btw you and him, i really enjoy the communication i enjoy with her too. the way she msges, the way she speaks, and the things we talk about. if she had just opened up to me to a greater extent, i may actually have been willing to wait for her despite everything.

know that i feel for you much greater than i ever did for her, and the reason i even mentioned her then in such glowing terms is unknown to me now. believe in me when i say that i would have chosen you even if she had opened up to me. my feelings towards you are justified by mutual understanding and good communication unlike hers which are based more on infatuation and first impressions.

differences and discontent between us are beginning to surface, slowly but surely. you likely feeling dissatifaction about me no longer being the intelligent, witty, determined guy that i appeared to be at the advent and also about my obvious flaws. me feeling unhappy about your making me feel inadequate as a person and not trusting in me enough to share with me your troubles.

i believe it's natural that differences emerge. and i must say you give me confidence and reassurance in whatever i do; u can observe it clearly from me. and u share with me what i wish to know when i ask - u know better. i have no idea why i wrote the contrary previously.

maybe your entering my life at this stage was not exactly a timely one. like you mentioned, he entered your life and you accepted him well because you were at a stage where everything seemed to be doing well in all aspects. i'm still struggling to meet my personal and academic expectations, and the only tried and tested way for me to achieve it is to simply shut myself up, cease improvement in other areas for the time-being and immerse myself in them.

know that i'm coping well in my life now. maybe even better. i hope u understand that there are times where u feel your life is gg nowhere and maybe even worthless and this was what i felt when typing this. your entering my life is a motivation for me in my other tasks and the best thing that could ever have happened.