2.4km

had a trial run at the SRC today. stepped onto the track with trepidation; haven't run a proper 2.4km since like 2 years plus back. and should i do badly i would still have to attend the IPPT knowing i'm gg to fail. it'd be akin to the feeling of gg into the exam hall hoping u'll pass, somehow. after a deep breath, i walked towards the starting point, grim determination glinting in my steely eyes.

and i started my timer. the 1st rd really reminded me of back then when the entire company begun their run together and i whooshed off at the initial stage. felt superb with the wind running thru my hair, and the rhythm of my steps felt just right. looked at the time after passing the line once: 1:32. the pace i aimed to go for in the past when i was gunning for gold.

but back then i could maintain it for 6 rds. and it wasn't gg to be a fairytale ending today, what with me not having trained proper for years. my next few rds averaged 2mins (for a rough gauge, a silver timing req roughly 1min56sec on average per rd). the last 2 laps in which i gave it quite my all was decent, and i ended up with a commendable timing of.. 11 mins 31 secs.

hey! it's still a silver k. and it's great considering i only spent like a day training for it. but then again it's quite embarassing. even my sec sch timing was like 10.5 mins or smth. ok. deep heat and rest for the next 2 days. wed - the day where i get my $200 monetary incentive for silver. heh. simple! what's with most of my guy friends man. can't even pass with a few wks' of trg in the bag. hahaha!

ok. let's study harder. u can do it.

pre-IPPT

just popped by my cousin's rm and to use e pull-up bar he installed near his door. jumped and hanged on the bar for a few seconds, in anticipation/trepidation of the next few moments. 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! (rest.. but the previous 6 was done at a good frequency continuously so my target of 8 for silver should be met) then 7! 8! .. 9! .... 10! nicely done. and given i haven't touched the pullup bar since ages ago when i meet wormy for supper near our area and he's late, i think it's a commendable achievement! some pple train like forever and they still can't do what i just did. hehhhhh.

ok. lest i get too confident about my chances, time to get realistic about the other events. sit-ups could be an issue - haven't tried any since i left the army. but if i could do 40 in primary sch. doing 36 now shouldn't be too much of a problem. e shuttle-run and standing broad jump may pose an insurmountable obstacle to many, but given that my muscle fibres are naturally inclined towards power-based sports (for more info, read up on short/long twitch muscle fibres) and i always do well in them i doubt they'll pose much trouble.

the 2.4km run. my biggest fear. gave up running, soccer, triathlons and impact-based sports after sustaining a knee ligament injury in the army. and even 3 years later, i experience excruciating pain when i exert my knees too much in a given time period. kept fit mostly through swimming since then, and it's still unknown if i can do well in it like i did back then when i was younger. we'll see. shall do a time trial ard 11am tml at the SRC after lectures. yeah!

starting again

i always like to tell others that my not blogging constitutes a better and more constructive outlook on life, given that most of my entries are often written at times when i'm emotionally down or simply bored with nothing much I wish to perpetrate. however, it does allow me to keep track of the going-ons in my life should i wish to look back in the near future. so here goes. blogging for the purpose of preserving memories.

hmm yesterday. early at the tennis court at 0730, awhile b4 the mtg time w ethel (no-one else wanted to wake up tt early to play). decided to just browse thru my notes since my trg balls were with her and i really had quite a bit to catch up on. subconsciously reduced the distance btw my notes and eyes gradually due to decreasing visibility as time passed. realising the situation after awhile, i looked up in mild annoyance and saw dark clouds looming over the horizon. packed up and ran back to hall - the only exercise i would have for the day.

some time b4 dinner with lalaa (lol!) so attempted studying in et's rm. it was really quite constructive whilst it lasted. then studies were put aside for discussions on random topics (mostly flag or flagger-related) and photo-viewing/commenting on her laptop. ha. thought it was all quite amusing the way she hid my shoes in the shoe cabinet / her opening the door and giving the 'oh no' look when brenda spotted me inside from the corridor and started talking to me. hall rumours can get kinda annoying even if it has little or no truth to it. well. i'm over that alr.

lunch with gimsy,4K and ame (inadvertently) then abit of revision at HSSML. then waited for lalaa at PS since she was late - dun really mind pple being so as long as there's a bookshop / library near the mtg place. so many books i want to read, and so little time to. manhattan fish was gd as usual; but i was kinda sick of the damn fries by the end cos i was eating most of them. ah. then tried e old-sch frozen throne campaign style cos she seemed quite enthusiastic abt it. shouldn't take the loss too personally. otherwise with my competitive nature i'll just end up not studying and reading up the forums for strategies so i'd beat her next time. ok. it's kinda embarassing i know.

IPPT on wed. juz discovered i have to take it b4 my b-day last week and wed's the only time i can do it. most of my guy friends are telling me from personal experience tt i'm gonna fail it cos 3 days ain't enough to train up. but i'm gg to prove them wrong by gg one up and getting a silver. i do keep fit thru regular exercise after all. but ok, i think it'll be one uphill task, given i'm not exactly the athlete i used to be.

sometimes i do wonder if my way of handling personal matters is flawed. i've not done the things i should have, and done things i shouldn't. i do get confused over issues, then try to solve them in a short-term way, which likely causes more confusion and hurt for all parties involved in the long run. i cannot thrive on instant gratification. more patience, more planning, more efforts. less digressing, less wavering, less indifference. maybe i just can't decide on what i really want. i can't just sit on it and hope it'll tide over. it won't. and even if it will, it wouldn't be ideal. i need to take proper action.

my mum casually commented that she hoped that i'd be able to get the allowance for my scholarship next yr as i just did a few days ago. i didn't reply immediately. it's not an option i wish to take if possible, but it seems imminent unless my attitude changes. i need to change.

visiting e doc

fell sick recently (after the flag slumber party lol) due to insufficient rest and went to UHWC to see e doc. the one who's always attended to me since the matriculation check-up. and as usual he was his typical caring, philosophical, chatty self. talked abt life and various issues in depth. somehow he's kind of a psychologist to me. haha.

a really good piece of advice he gave me: allocate urself some solitude time to do ur own stuff w/o feeling guilty; in so rediscover and be at peace with yourself. happiness originates from within you; should you ever need to derive it from others, you need to take some time off to ask yourself why. another one which i'm totally guilty of: learn to say no, even to those you truly care abt and wish to help.

of course i got my MC too, very essential since i took a day off my school attachment. and i left the room with a book on meditation and life quotes (given free of charge), as well as myriad thoughts coursing through my cluttered mind. i need some quality time alone.

'fish-net' guys?

read this on xiaobai's blog, and found it kinda interesting. think most guys are like that to a certain extent (seriously). with the exception of those i feel are totally indifferent or blissfully ignorant abt r/ship issues, of course. lest someone feel that i'm putting guys down in general, i'll just analyse the issue with regards to mine and close friends' experiences.

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FISH NET GUYS

have u heard of fish-net guys? this was what they would do... *RED ALERT*

he, would go around acting nice to gals 1st.(u know.. like hold e door for em, jokes around, console em when they were sad)

any guy worth his salt would know better than to NOT do the above. esp at the start where it's make or break. even if he's not interested at all in the gals in question. being nice in general to make more friends and generate goodwill, albeit consciously, is always a good thing and isn't exactly hard to perpetuate. and it helps put one on a better platform from which to operate (i'm speaking for others, not myself k) should it prove necessary in the future.

then, he would start to "zero" in to that gal by smsing her daily and ask her out, making her feel special. well, obviously e gal would thought that that guy had probably fallen for her.

this just seems like a typical scenario in which you feel someone is worth knowing better, and you're willing to expend time and effort into the process of sms-ing, talking and gg out with him/her. i do it with guys too so i dun really see the big fuss in asking more than a single gal out at any given moment. it's the intention which matters, not just the action itself.

but later, she found out that that guy was fish netting = rounded up all e fishes that he was interested in and fish out e one that either accepted him in e end or he thought was e most suitable for him. so what did it imply? it implied that he was nice to ALOT of gals.. not jus u.. silly gal...

hmm i think this is just a warped interpretation of the general case of a guy getting together with a girl. a typical guy has a considerable number of female friends, from which he might feel that one is exceptionally attractive and is similarly attracted to him. getting together would consequently be natural, and not at all contrived or manipulative as the above suggests.

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but i can't deny that 'fish-net' guys do exist. no doubt about that.

dance and wii

last week of dance lessons. it's been superb so far. meeting new pple. gg out with them. potential friendships that could actually last beyond the activity itself. and i've learnt alot from gg out with some of them. both from the things they say and a bit of objective introspection on my part abt what i perpetuate when in their presence. constantly learning from experiences and improving myself.

false hope. it's one thing that should never be given freely, if at all. and i'm very careful when treading into this territory. delaying sms replies. not picking up late-night calls on purpose. limiting meet-ups if necessary. it's important to know where to draw the line; i'm a firm believer of the saying 'what goes around, comes around'.

ohhh and i found someone who's into science fiction and gaming. a female at that. it really quite turned me on when she talked abt them with passion and enthusiasm. haha. obviously i din leave it at that, and asked her out for a WII session at cineleisure e2max. tried out the motion sensing technology for the 1st time, playing virtual tennis, bowling, boxing as well as the acclaimed mariokart game. had a smashing time!

evaluation

flag comm just had an evaluation exercise today. one side being categories like leadership, competency etc, with a rating scale of 1-5, the other side being for comments if necessary. was busy with my sch attachment and extremely tired after it, but travelled all the way to provide advice and assistance should they require any.

at the end they passed out the evaluation forms and i looked at the comments side. "can take charge and lead when required", "always give critical advice when everyone is lost", "able to connect well with everyone and offers constructive advice" etc. just as i expected.

then i looked at the points side. hmm.. communication skills being 4.2 and an average of 3.8 for the rest. quite decent, i thought. then i saw the points for ethel. average of 4.4 for everything. alright. i'd rank her 5 for virtually every category anyways if i had participated earlier. but then i noticed certain others (esp gals) getting averages of 4.0. and i seriously doubt the authenticity of their leadership and competency skills. they barely spoke during meetings and their paperwork was acceptable at best.

had a gruelling jog b4 mtg kelvyn for dinner; din want to spoil the mood as i was already having a perpetually annoyed expression. did not feel like talking abt it as i felt it would seem i was complaining abt a fact which 14 others had agreed on. but as the conversation ensued, it came out quite naturally.

ok it's quite natural for girls to buffer each other and prevent one another from getting low scores (in this case the lowest was 3), and the fact is that guys typically take score objectively - should i dislike someone immensely on a personal level but if he/she was capable, i wouldn't hesitate to put a 5.

thinking back, i guess it's a good thing i actually felt upset over it all. had i been indifferent, it would have showed just how little effort i had invested and how much i had sacrificed for the cause. the purpose of the evaluation was primarily meant to show one in which area his strengths and weaknesses lied, but it seems to me that the main outcome for some is that they'll feel somewhat discredited by it. as if all their hard work was not recognised.

of course one has to take into account that as an advisor, i consciously kept my opinions to myself until the last min so as to allow others to learn them themselves, or did things behind the scenes to facilitate issues. for now, let's just focus on my attachment and my other pressing issues for now. after i finish my script and the filming that is. then i'll be free from it till the 24th.

3rd - ended

yesterday was the 3rd. somehow i feel glad it's gg better and faster than i expected, but i still have my doubts. was mentioning to a few of my close friends that it's just like the other time, but with the roles reversed this time. the similarities in the process is extremely uncanny. and worrying. i really have no wish for it to end the same way too. it's the 1st time i'm doing it the 'proper' way and hopefully it's the last. i'm kinda tired of it all. it all feels kinda empty despite the immediate kick you get whilst doing it.

first

tml's the first; will determine if anything is meant to be. i really want to move on in this aspect of my life; hence the decision to not want to continue in hall. albeit it's mostly due to my studies. i've really got to justify my being a scholarship holder. and realise that it's not just a series of chores but a meaningful learning process.

jealousy is a good indicator of how much u like someone, i've always felt. and the intensity of it has abated much since then. it had to, i guess. sometimes i felt i tried my best. but sometimes i wonder, did i set myself up to fail by thinking negatively and protecting myself from potential rejections. i might have. i seldom am confused as to how i'm thinking, introspective as i am, but in this case i cannot help but concede defeat. either way, it's time to move on.

and recently i've been reading a book on shyness. supposedly i'm a non-shy introvert. i've always felt i was shy all this while, you know, the social awkwardness and all. but events that's transpired has made me suspect that it's just a cover-up for me being boring, uncaring and all. after all, it's normal to want to attribute my failings to a known condition rather than a lack of effort on my part.

i'm doubting things about myself i thought to be so very evident back then. but at least i know i'm on the right track. from the way i treat others, and from the way pple respond to me. at the very least, i know i'm better off than those who have no idea how screwed-up they are, or those that are resigned to what they currently are. i was both, and i know i ain't either now. i guess that's a good start.

exercise

haven't really pushed my physical limits for a long long while; been doing it very often nowadays tho. the feeling of being about to collapse any moment (or drowning if in the pool), the constant urge to let the fatigued body take a rest, the sensation of being unable to catch one's breath and the oh-so-sweet taste of cold water at the very end.

one really has to put in work to obtain something before he/she truly appreciates it, i guess.

badminton sessions from midnight till 3am in the morning in hall. continuously, with different opponents, sometimes against 2 at once. not that i'm good but that it's hard to find decent players during the vacation period.

and if there's just one mediocre player, i'll have to resort to using my opponent-no-move tactic which involves me returning shots such that the opponent never has to move more than one step at a time. at least i can train my accuracy, and perhaps my endurance if he/she has sufficient ability to place his/her shots.

before that, the gym sessions after the cross trainings at west coast park. 20m sprints followed by 40m jogs alternately for 2/3 sets of roughly 1.2km each is a killer. the gym exercises serve to build muscle tone and increase my basal metabolic rate. still hate gym tho.

and of course my favourite activity: swimming in the afternoon. the ultimate exercise, i like to advocate and promote to my cynical friends. really hope i'll be able to attain a lifeguard certification sometime soon. wish to be able to teach swimming proper to kids sometime in the near future, besides just physics and chemistry to my future students.