vilified

a close friend, J and a member of the girl gang pm-ed me on fb just now, and unreservedly gave me her 2 cents worth on what she thought about me:

J
its really good that you gal such a good gal up..
Me
?
J
i mean its really good that you given annabelle up..
Me
why
J
because you not worth for her..
Me
oh i see..
J
i never knew that you are such a bastard person.
it really good for us to see it through you before everything was even settle
J
the only thing that all of us wish is you could leave annabelle alone.. i guess from the day you said hash things you should expected all this could happen..and guess won't even want to have anything more thing for annabelle to do with you...
Me
i dun really understand what you're saying. nor do i believe you really know me for what i am. and i dun think you know exactly what happened. but you are entitled to think what u wish to think.
that is your choice.
J
i do know wat happen... it doesn;t matter to me what kind a person you are... anyway you kist a bastard to us.. so this is wat we think if you..
Me
ok noted
J
that all i would have to say...

i was much more annoyed with having to bear and second-guess her atrocious english, but i shall refrain from saying more lest i be labelled an elitist and nitpicker. i was, however, not at all affected by what she said, and i believe it a good sign (or maybe i'm just good at justifying my actions haha).

after all, if i had been affected by what J said, i must have really indulged in 'bastard'-esque actions or must be someone who doesn't feel. and obviously i feel, i mean, i just touched the table and felt something rough.

oh wells, i dun really blame J for it. i mean, one thing would be that J only gets the point-of-view from her friend's perspective. also as a close friend and a seemingly not very rational person (my opinion) i am in no doubt that she chose to believe everything she was told, whilst filling in the blanks of the story in order to vilify me in her mind so she could more easily spout stuff which could help convince her friend that losing me was for the best.

i mean, i doubt any normal female would say stuff like: oh he was too good for you and you were just not up-to-par so u deserved to lose him and it was all your fault. if anyone said that to her i would gladly slap her for being so insolent. trust me on that.

so i'm not exactly surprised by J's actions - it's what i expect from her. and i believe she will be one of the supports that will be required post-ending, just like even I require my friends to be there for me in times of loneliness and sorrow. i appreciate J for being one of hers.

moodless

i'm glad for being a teacher, in times like this. the presence of the students who adore me and respect me for who i am helps allay the sense of loss and belonging. the purpose i feel when i prepare and carry out my lessons allow me to stop thinking, to stop missing.

but it's almost the end of wed, and i can't help but feel the dark chasm of loneliness and melancholy in the depths of the night. yes, i do miss her. of course i do, for we were even at the stage where we contemplated marriage.

we did well with each other's families, and we were totally comfortable in each others' presence. i miss having someone to call or sms when i'm feeling down, miss receiving i-miss-you msges in the middle of the night. i miss having someone to tease and joke with. i miss the hugs and the kisses, the hand-holding and walks.

sometimes i really have to struggle to recollect the reasons we ended it, the reasons which i justified so very well then. then i recall the moments which i did not miss that much. yes, we could have been a decent couple, but not a great one, i feel. time will serve to numb the hurt and upset that i feel now, or to amplify the missing and the memories more.

i can't help but think that if i met her earlier, minus my higher expectations and prior experiences, it could have worked out perfectly, and i would not have had much complaints about anything, for i too, would not have had any basis of comparison with which to gauge my current partner with. but then again it's all speculation, of which i can currently do without.

tired

all I want now is to swim, to immerse myself into the expanse of water, to feel the soothing sensation of water flowing past my self, to experience the weightlessness and surreal underwater feeling, to temporarily numb the emotions i'm feeling now.

then follow it up with a good lie-down on my bed, underneath my comforting blanket.

but i have so much to mark, so much to plan for, so much work to do. i'm already looking 4ward to the weekend, where i can get some proper respite from the barrage of activities. i'm tired of it all.

a sense of loss

i dun blog regularly, esp not in school in btw lessons, but i guess today's different. been feeling quite lost and upset throughout the past few days, and even my form class student commented on me looking different, despite my efforts to appear normal.

the world doesn't seem all that rosy and bright anymore, and i feel like just finishing my work fast and gg home to relax and rest. yes i know abt immersing myself in work, and i will do that, but first things first. i need time to simply.. sleep and recharge.

no longer do i feel at the top of the world, infact i kind of wish i were alone for the next few days, but i can't, for i have to teach, interact, and network. it's depressing having to put on a false front, for obviously it is not conducive to teach with a melancholy and upset expression.

but i know it's the correct choice. i may not want it, nor am i happy to make this decision, but i know it's the best thing, in the long term, for the both of us, and i hope she will see it too. hopefully, during this period, she will discover that the differences in personality and communication style did exist, and was quite prevalent actually.

yes, i did enjoy her company, but i felt there was something lacking, something which could not be solved by intervention and discussion alone. those flaws of ours could well be seen as good points to our future partners, and i'm sure that will be true for her. i just can't appreciate her enough for who she is and therefore i don't deserve her.

yes, it could go on if we chose it to be, but the strain of maintaining it would have been apparent eventually, and in the meantime better opportunities would have come and gone. the only thing i wish for now is for self-understanding and improvement. it's come to that phase again, of reflection and readjustment. everyone goes thru this.

her best friend broke up with her prev bf which we deemed to be a good, stable catch (albeit personality differences) and we thought that it was a bad decision on her part. but looking at those 2 individuals now a few mths later, both of them have seemingly found their ideal partners, the girl snagging a guy even i would deem as quite ideal and the guy getting a gf which seems more homely and suitable for him.

i only wish that she will go on to find another one which suits her better, and by then realise that greater love, one that combines friendship with romance, is actually possible. i hope that that person appreciates her for the wonderful individual that she is, much more than i do.

it's all i can do to stop tearing as i type in front of the screen. shall have to recollect and adjust my feelings before i enter my next class, lest i lose control of them. i shall be strong, and i hope she will be too.

criteria for a successful relationship

i've been thinking this over, on the train, on the way to work, and even during leisure time. it's such a hassle having to dwell over such seemingly banal matters, and i hope that thru penning it down, the thoughts pertaining to this matter will cease to flow so endlessly.

so here you go, my generic list of must-have criteria:

1. know what you want in a future partner. do you want someone who likes kids? do u want someone who values silence when it is necessary? do you want someone who have similar working hrs such that you can enjoy her company in the evening? do you want someone who speaks and communicates on the same wavelength as you or simply a submissive type who will give in to you when necessary?

2. respect him/her for who she is. i can't stress more about this. if you feel embarassed by the way he/she behaves or talks infront of your friends, i guess this is already a no-go. one should always be proud of his/her other half, no matter in what situation. everyone has their flaws, but they have their strengths too. be appreciative of the latter and more tolerant of the former.

3. enjoy the time spent w him/her. this one looks like a no-brainer, but i think it may not be so very obvious after all. sometimes one party takes the other for granted, the conversation becomes either one-sided or simply lacks.. effort. no effort to generate topics and listen intently to the other party makes for a lousy convo. when it happens, always reflect on yourself instead of simply blaming it on the other party.

4. be with him/her for the right reason. some pple get together due to misconceptions that they have from prev r/s (e.g. it failed cos he was too outspoken, so i'll choose a more quiet one this time round), because they're looking for a stable potential husband/wife or just because the other party was welcoming to their approaches. be with someone cos u can't imagine life w/o them beside you; they should be irreplaceable.

5. understand the need for constant communication. minor quarrels and disputes are acceptable, if both parties are not mature enough to talk issues through in a rational, mature fashion. the ends does justify the means. most problems do not disappear over time, they only exacerbate - it's impt to work them out as they surface, lest they fester into an overwhelming presence that cannot be resolved by anything but a natural conclusion.

well of course there's more to it, but i too have things to do (rather, mark and plan) so i shall stop here. it's enough for today, and i must say, it has been a therapeutic experience penning down my heartfelt thoughts. watch this space.

a little gripe

i know this isn't the post about work that you pple are expecting, but then again it isn' much to blog about. basically i'm in yuhua secondary now, got the ideal classes for this half-year and the ideal form class, likely due to the fact that the timetabling in charge is my mentor and one of those who likely thinks that i'll rise fast in the service.

i haven't been discussing about r/s issues for a long while, and today the topic of discussion is that of differing treatments one party dishes out to the other as compared to his/her close friends of the opposite sex.

my personal view is that when in a r/s, one should always treat the other party better than one's closest friends. afterall, the other party will most likely be the person who spends the rest of your life with you, so why not give him the due appreciation he/she deserves or more tolerance for his (i'll just use 'he' for the rest) every action, good or bad?

in every r/s, there's already many grounds for dispute (more in my next post), so why not prevent this very easily avoidable one? before i respond to any action my gf makes, i always think, would i respond like this to my closer female friends? would i tolerate and simply laugh over her mistakes, and would i give her praise and recognition for positive actions?

i think it's common to praise and tolerate less when in a r/s, but it's important to try to avoid this common pitfall. or at least minimise it by being conscious about it. you chose the other party to share your life with you, so give him more recognition and room for tolerance for his behaviour.

if you dun have the natural tendency to chastise your close friends for occasional lateness, greediness, lack of seriousness, excessive thriftiness, self-centred behaviour, narcissism and associated minor negative behavioural traits, why do it to the person whom you're likely to spend your life with, and arguably is the one you love and treasure the most?

i don't understand it. i can only attribute this to a change in attitude, one that encompasses taking the other party for granted, and wanting him to accomodate/please your every whim, not wishing him to indulge in actions that you find unbefitting of your other half, chastening him whenever he deviates from your Ideal criteria.

afterall, you're not perfect; his lack of disapproval for what he deems is unbefitting behaviour does not constitute acceptance for your every action. he could just be trying to apply the principle of treating the gf better than his female friends, and seeking for a little understanding and reciprocity in return.

i'm alive!

to allay the undue fears of all my beloved readers out there (ok, what's left of you guys anyways), i wish to hereby announce that this author is alive and kicking.

i'm not under any illusions that anyone would periodically follow a blog with NO new entries for hmmm THREE months and still religiously click on the link everyday in hopes of new, interesting posts.

but ohwells, i'll announce my arrival into the arena of blogging again once i get a few more entries up running, the first of it would have to be what i've been up to the past 3 months.

noo obviously i'm not gg to write today as i wish to read my books/manga - when i start something, i'll undoubtedly continue on and it'll hinder my leisure reading.

but i promise i'll log back in again and update about my past escapades and adventures. or the lack of :)

the comment

i had a conversation a few days back with 7 fellow female teachers and no fellow guys (dumb guys took the other table of 4). of which revolved around the fidelity of guys and what they should/should not do in a committed r/s.

obviously i wasn't v comfortable with some of the topics the sisterhood was discussing, and i think heidi/germ found it amusing that i was way less outspoken about my personal beliefs and actually said stuff contrary to what i often say to them. got 2 feminists what; sure must lie abit sometimes one.

they discussed about bfs/husbands not being supposed to meet up with female friends one on one, due to the fact that it may lead to temptation as well as giving the girl the impression that he's available. infact they were adamant that the gf/wife should be there at EVERY meetup and if not, the guy should meet the female friend in a group setting.

obviously i was v against this, even though i totally know where they're coming from. what if you have known the female friend for a damn long time and it's really quite platonic? and what if you knew her as an individual and not from a group setting?

so i infer from what they said that the bf is supposed to CREATE a group in which to meet the female friend even if they knew each other as individuals initially. or arrange for a date in which the gf and the female friend is both free (damn hard when u start working, trust me). or simply lose contact with someone whom u shared great conversations with for many years.

of course i have a strong opinion against this since i meet up with most of my male/female friends individually or in v small grps. except in the case of sports, boardgames, general meetups (flag, nie, uni) which are few and very occasional. so what, i'm supposed to gradually lose contact with most of my friends?

if you know me well you should know i'm not a very big fan of regular group meetups. i generally like the quiet predictability of the conversations and company offered in small meetups. i like the high amount of attention paid to every party. and i like the elimination of extraneous, face-value conversation paid to the other individuals in the group whom you couldn't care less about.

of course there are exceptions, which occur when the sum is bigger than the addition of all participants, where the conversation and company is really better in bigger groups. and i honestly only recall the me/linky/ginny group, the sec sch guys grp and maybe the Flag group.

maybe i'm insecure, maybe i really feel valued and wanted when someone doesn't mind meeting up with me, me alone for a nice chat and a meal, without the added incentive of the presence of a few other individuals. it's the old old inferiority complex at work i guess.

but i digress.

back to the cheating topic, i just feel that the best way to deal with it as a gf/wife is to just voice your expectations and views on the issue once, and thereafter trust the guy. if you have to constantly check on the guy's whereabouts, it really says something about the level of trust in the relationship, as well as the confidence in yourself and him.

and even if you manage to keep a tight leash on him on his after-work activities, what's to stop him from engaging in inappropriate behaviour in the workplace? he's at work, he states.

i know most will disagree with me, but its better to discover the other partners' cheating tendencies (if there are any) before marriage so you can dump the jerk for someone deserving. eventually he'll find ways to circumvent your tight control anyways if he wants to. and most importantly, if you constantly suspect your partner for doing things he isn't, there's a might-as-well tendency to simply do it.

ohwells but i know it's all very idealistic for me to say that. guys and girls will always hold different viewpoints of certain issues and it's important to be able to change / accomodate your actions and views (or at least appear to) to fit the other party's to maintain peace and harmony.

kaypoh again

was casually reading blogs since my school has effectively started its march hols - sports day is on fri later. and yeah i was reading up on that guy again.

even as this is my personal space, i believe one should not comment on things that he/she does not have the whole picture of.

but still, what's damn obvious is this: prevention is always better than cure. he would do well to remember that. if he gets the chance to cure the ailment, that is.

teaching (3rd week ended!)

ok i've been officially teaching classes for 3 weeks now. preparing lesson plans, slides, worksheets, test papers and constantly thinking on the walk to and fro school how best to handle certain students and maximise classroom discipline and efficiency through rules and routines respectively.

yes, i've really gotten into the hang of things, much more smoothly and better than i ever imagined. with more passion and enthusiasm than i ever gave myself credit for. i guess it's something i really love (for now, that is).

seeing the kids' understanding my lessons and enjoying them, being able to engage in short meaningful conversations with them along the corridor and knowing our private talks will go a long way into changing the way they think and act (for some cases), and the feeling that all u're doing is directly benefiting someone u can see.

it's with great pleasure that i say that i'm more than willing to give up my march hols just to go back to school so that i can plan and improve my lessons and prepare better assessments for my students. but of course not the whole week la.