the immediate thought

sometimes i realise the reason i dun talk as much to some people is simply cos my immediate thought to their comments or queries is one of an acerbic or socially unacceptable nature. 

like when linky asked me in a somewhat patronising manner abt how good i was at my preferred sports, when i casually commented during the tennis lesson that i wasn't able to invest 100% into tennis unlike him since i had other sports i enjoyed as much, if not more. 

the response that popped out immediately was that he could choose any 10 sports of his liking and i'll beat him soundly in 9, if not all. obviously i reined in my words, and answered his question directly. 

ok but then again it wouldn't exactly be untrue either. but it's just not nice and i see him as a true friend and someone whose company i enjoy. i dun speak up much for myself unless i'm confident abt it, and i know my place when someone is better than me, so i dun take kindly to pple questioning me abt what i know i'm good at. 

it's a v annoying trait of mine. wish i were more naturally humble. 

doing more

i regret not having done more tt day. a myriad of different surprises and plans were left by the roadside at the last moment. last min preps, minimum effort expended. sure, i had been really occupied and stressed up (damn rare la) but it shouldn't have been an excuse. but either way, it's all over. i'll make up for it the next time if i get the chance to. 

urgency

being in one's last sem in uni does take away the feeling of urgency until when it's quite late. even as i'm taking 6 mods (only need 3 to grad!). actually that was the cause, since i'm projecting a minimum grade of B+ for my 2 GEMs (little studying req to do well cos one is physics-bio, the other chem-bio and i'm essentially a physics/chem trained person) and NM mod given my results thus far, and my 2 engineering physics module shouldn't prove too much given i've always done ok for them. 

i'm more worried abt the damn QuanMech2 mod where i'm in danger of failing due to my high inertia to want to actually study it. did horribly for Test 1 relative to the cohort and i'm gg to have to change that soon. it really did wake me up, esp since failing this mod would render me ineligible to graduate (nightmare!). the possibility is always there, tho. hafta minimise it. 

but at least i'm in a serious mood now (eh it's damn rare one lor), only taking the occasional break to play mafia wars on fb, and the twice-weekly tennis and swim sessions. no longer plan for lunches or dinner with random pple as i need all the time i need, for work or significant others. and i'm seriously contemplating skipping a social gathering this weekend. 

i dun have a liking for grp outings btw, unless at least half the members are pple i'm fond of and comfortable with. the conversation is nothing to shout abt, and i normally meet those pple for the occasional meal anyways. 

get disoriented with all the conversations gg ard me and sometimes feel left out when the topic revolves ard smth they're involved and concerned abt and which i have little interest in. if i had the time, i dun really mind. but i don't.

death of hamster

so it finally happened. my cous' hamster dying on us. 

http://blog.glys.com/index.cgi?e=2009-18-03-rip-mr-fish

well, at least we still have mine. 

the long journey to school

was feeling quite unmotivated at home on sunday morn so decided to go to sch to study. guess my bro playing the Xbox360 in my rm was abit too much for me. braving the heavy downpour to reach the busstop, i proceeded to board bus 198. this would prove to be the longest ever journey to sch. 

toppled tree (1 of 3). a few malay guys had to get down the bus in the pouring rain to carry/push the gigantic thingy out of the way before the bus could continue. early training for their future jobs, heh. 

just another example of what those nice men had to overcome in clearing the various trees that had toppled.

finally at sch after a horrendous 1.5 hr journey (normally takes just ard 30 mins).

nobody in their right mind is gg to want to attempt the long jump in these conditions. suicidal.

i must stress that having reading material or a portable game console is a must on public transport. even if incidents such as the above isn't the norm, doing something constructive in the time spent travelling (quite alot if u add it up!) would save one alot of time doing it later. 

normally clear my unreplied msges and settle/confirm trgs and meetups on the bus too, thus explaining my outstanding reply rate at certain times of the day. 

bert's blog grabs

was browsing thru cousin's recent blog entries and decided to grab and post some graphics (self-created) from them. PhD students-to-be can be really free. (me and br0 when he was playing adventure quest whilst doing his computing/econs assignments: eh you really v no life leh hahaha)

return of the eve

was in a state of emotional turmoil when she called out of the blue, and i actually picked up the phone w/o hesistation, grateful for the short respite from my melancholy. and after 15 mins of conversation i discovered why it was that i tried to minimise contact with her a few mths back. 

interaction with others helps you to see yourself for who you are.

after talking like my bro does when he talks on the phone with his gfs, i got damn tired of speaking like a beng, not to mention the convo that was really meandering aimlessly. it slowly dawned on me that i still value a bit of intellectual conversation now and then, however much i appear to like touching on trivial and random topics. 

not like i din lead the discussion to issues which i felt strongly about, just that it's pointless to have to describe the underlying backgrd every time when it's like.. quite common news. if you haven't read or heard abt it alr, it's q impossible to sustain a meaningful rally of idea-exchanging unless you're intelligent and quick-thinking. i was quite miffed when she tried to paraphrase my ideas and go along with them or run antagonistic to my point of view just for the sake of appearing non-conformistic. 

really couldn't help but wince when she tried to make an effort to sound intelligent. well, she tried.

and due to a very bad reflex response on my part i have to sacrifice a few hrs of my precious study time to dine with her tml. her: hey u know we haven't seen each other for a long time. i changed my hairstyle alr u know! me: really? haha can't wait to see it. i'm sure you look even more stunning than b4. we should meet up for a meal soon! 

i blanked out for a few seconds, aghast at the words i just uttered. but oh wells, she's coming all the way from the east to JP which is like 10 mins from home. so it's not exactly inconvenient. ahhhh ok let's go back to studying. 

hamster thoughts

quote from marley (hamsy) and me:

A dog (hamster) has no use for fancy cars, or big homes, or designer clothes. A waterlogged stick (not too big) will do just fine. A dog (hamster) doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart (and sufficient food), and he’ll give you his.

sometimes, i figure, being a hamster isn't all that bad.

melancholy

the overwhelming sense of helplessness and loneliness hits out at you when you least expect it. everything seems insignificant during those moments and nothing seems to matter anymore. even the simplest tasks seem a chore, whilst necessary jobs feel unimportant. 

time slows to a trickle whilst the world continues to revolve underneath your feet; life around you doesn't cease with your momentary absence from it. slowly, you realise that wallowing in this state isn't going to change matters, however long you persist in it. no-one's gg to be truly concerned with it, nor any actions changed due to your inertia and self-pity. 

let's remain in this state for a few more moments, then pick yourself up from there - it's just another phase of life, you tell yourself. once again, you manage to convince yourself that doing what matters and changing the circumstances is necessary.

then you go out, seek success in what you aspire. the imperceptible losses chip away at your newfound armour of determination, slowly but surely, whilst the evident cases of failure leaves palpable dents in them. unavoidably and eventually, the armour shatters, exposing one's vulnerable self once again. 

and you feel the overwhelming sense of helplessness and loneliness.

saturday

after numerous comments that my blog posts look like essays, i have finally succumbed and decided to start utilising the "upload pictures" function. afterall, as they say, a picture speaks a thousand words. and since i'm busy, it likely means that i can type less and tell more. not unlike the "teach less learn more" slogan.

actually forgot to get the straws at mac and had to alight 2 stops early to get straws from 7-11. damn troublesome, but no choice la, me blur.

then passed milk (no, not the perishable kind) and xiaobai's gift to zhu at hall, together with mac b/f for shiyun and a snack for ethel. also had a good and fulfilling chat with gimsy at the lobby too. it's been quite a long time since i've packed b/f for pple in hall. reminiscent of the old times.. and a certain someone. but i guess i've finally moved on from that. 

hid at the lib till like 1730, occasionally popping out for meals or snacks (love laksa yongtaufoo at arts). then met glad who was coincidentally in the biz lib too and went to the newly (ok, not really new) renovated west coast plaza (2nd time there!) for dinner. did my usual "eh we go check out the mall directory then decide from there k" then decided on a chinese restaurant on the 1st floor. 12 bucks per head for 4 dishes, rice, dimsum, drinks and soup. not too bad a deal.

(sorry no pics available - forgot to take)

waited at the busstop for 188 to take us to chevrons for a bit of bowling, then realised that 188 wasn't available there after she casually commented that the bus was taking quite some time. argh! haha damn blur as usual la. 

played 3 games and she degenerated with every game. normally she's quite decent with scores ard 100 but today was a horrid exception. even i couldn't help her despite being quite a decent (self-professed, of course) coach. her balls started off veering towards the right gutter then back into the left one. then after adjusting her initial position and aiming spot so that all would be in place, her ball lost its initial hook and started gg straight into the right gutter. even i can't correct such an inconsistent throw. 

below illustrates the disparity in the scores.

me (at the 6th frame): eh my score's 113 times higher than yours leh.

her: ah just shut up and play ur game k.