compatibility

what is it exactly. similarities? complementing differences? it's likely a mix of both.

it's not a quality that can be easily gauged even after knowing the other party considerably well. being similar in areas that matter deep down to you and different in areas that you're personally not very concerned abt is a key ingredient to a lasting friendship.

the endearing touch of familiarity, being able to connect with a significant other, in turn knowing that he/she is cognizant and understanding of your needs, thoughts and feelings. yet familiarity does breed contempt and boredom over time; differing views on minor issues and varying interests helps prolong one's inner desire to get more acquainted with the other.

therein lies the reason for the age-old tradition of pursuing one's happiness. but to how many is this quality key to their choice? not many, i should believe. when asked for the reason behind their actions, they term the key criterion as a gut feeling.

one more popularly known as love. the true form of which compatibility cannot be absent.

mistakes

so wish to pen down certain thoughts, certain events that have taken place over the past few weeks. but shall refrain from doing so. even as this is a personal space limited to a select few, but then again these matters aren't exactly what i would risk divulging to others. not that i care what others think tho. ha. the previous statement was a total joke.

it's a matter of ethics, one thing which i never really saw fit to abide by. my point was, if all parties benefit eventually, the means used, however unconventional or seemingly warped, would be well-justified. not everyone thinks that way tho. it's still proper to follow certain paths en route to achieving something, even as mild deviations from the norm are accepted by most.

appearances can be deceiving. one can make use of others' perception of themselves to their own advantage at times, if only they knew how they portrayed themselves to different parties. no-one treats everyone similarly, and this single act simply underlies the fact that every action is a subconscious reaction to a stimuli, however much one wishes to believe that he/she is in control of their behaviour and actions.

when even the closest confidant expresses a hint of disapproval amidst the evident amusement and laughter it shouldn't be a good sign. i do believe he did see my rationale behind my thoughts and actions eventually, but given his impetuousness and perceived lack of ethics, i should think it would be totally unacceptable to many others.

to be truly independent of one's personal biases towards others. to be genuinely cognizant of the causes for and likely aftermath of one's actions, and to resist the temptation to reap immediate benefits from undesirable behaviour. to be able to live up to one's own expectations, and not be affected by those imposed, subconsciously or otherwise, from others. to be able to honestly say that any altruistic or selfless decision one has made was based solely on others on not even partly due to some vested interest or personal goal on one's part.

these ideals are seemingly unattainable, some even brinking on utopian in nature, should one not consider self-delusion as an obvious solution. but it'd already be commendable if one exercises objective introspection, sees oneself for the fault-ridden being one is, and work towards a better self. everyone ought to, for the sake of salvaging their inner soul, if not for the supposed greater good of the society.

which the former likely leads to eventually.

the quality of one's life is determined by the quality of the surrounding influences, which is likely, in turn, affected by the actions of oneself towards them. complaining abt one's inferior surroundings / influences in the moulding of oneself thus seems untenable as an argument. one determines his own fate, to a certain extent, by controlling his surroundings. changing the way one behaves to others, as well as cultivating one's innate qualities and developing skills and capabilities, affects how others react to him, which in turn motivates him to continue down the path he chose and continue making the decisions he made. or otherwise.

it's tiring. yes.

work

beginning to lose focus once again after the mid-term break. i really can't afford to screw up any longer. every sem i tell myself to focus on studies; every sem i find something new to get distracted by. if it had somewhat been forced upon me i wouldn't have been that disappointed in myself. no. i chose to. or rather i was receptive to them.

but letting everything go now just doesn't seem right. it wouldn't be.

b-day celebrations 300808 (part2)

someone i really wanted to go out with told me early morn (like 1am) that she wun be able to make it. so i did abit of rescheduling. sigh. and i thought it'd be nice to go out with her 2 yrs later on the same day after the last time we went out proper. hmm come to think of it, it wasn't exactly proper. as in a date. ahhaha.

yup. charm in the morn at m square. really like that place la. bowling, pool, arcade, k-box, times, decent shopping outlets and various food selections. gives an option to walk over to e esplanade for some quiet time :) and suntec's nearby too. hmm ok then i tried out e western genre in the morn. played abit of bowling (yesssss, again. on fire mah!) then walked ard aimlessly whilst talking (my specialty lol). thanks for accomodating my various oddities and bad habits (being late for 1.5hr!) all this while. but i'm sure u're ok with it since we've been friends for 2 years and counting. haha.

then i realised i was running over schedule. should be meeting other pple at diff places at different times. so i decided to take the easy choice. all of you come to m square! i msged. haha. since i doubt they've left home and that they'd mind even otherwise.

then sangi for lunch (no, she's not lunch). thai this time. my fave bbq seafood rice platter. never get sick of it la. too much of a good thing can be detrimental at times, but i threw caution to the wind. as well as my diet plans. one of the few i can sit down with properly without feeling restless and have a good conversation with. one of e first pple i knew in hall even b4 it started, thru rag dance. sometimes i'm really disturbed by how much i talk to you abt a particular topic. or rather.. nvm. hahaha.

lalaa really touched me (not literally) during our erm.. high tea at waraku. jap food. yup been eating too much today! didn't have high hopes since you said you had nothing for me but the nice cake with a candle (yay i'm just 1 year old!) was a nice gesture. and i really like the loooong letter detailing our friendship over the past few mths. letters really mean alot to me; dun care much abt material gifts. i'm really a sucker for words - the written form. sometimes time isn't a factor in making a friend.

never expected to meet someone so very similar to myself and whom i really feel comfortable sharing all my feelings with. not to mention similar interests. i'm a very private person, as my flag pple can attest to after working together closely for 3 mths, so it's v hard for me to truly open up. indeed, a stranger is just a friend waiting to happen.

ok! sausage fest time. managed to gather the guys together for the evening, and even tho i see wormy and john individually quite often, it's a joy to get together with those 11 yr buddies of mine who's seen me grow all these years. sometimes i wonder what i did to deserve them; never was a very fun person, nor an outstanding one, nor was i always there for them back then. even neglected them during my 1st sem in hall, in which newer friends took precedence. i should have known better; it was really a learning experience.

and jieren, stop accusing me abt chatting to gals on msn and generally ignoring you (even tho it's the truth, haha!). aiya. we can always meet up in sch 4 a proper chat anytime la. right? hehh.

after a chinese dinner, boarded dan's car en route for sentosa; planned to stay there overnight. but me and jieren were concussed and sleeping on each other in the car (gay! he exclaimed later), so we decided to just go vivo to chill out at the deck area. woke up half an hr later and discovered we were still on the road. lost! wtf.

with the aid of the superb navigation from wormy we managed to get from m square to orchard in 1/2 hr, orchard to orchard in another 1/2 hr and orchard to vivo in 1/2 hr. roughly. hahaha. outstanding la. then chatted and camwhored abit (1st time we're taking pics together man) till ard 1am b4 leaving 4 home. long day! long post too!

b-day celebrations 300808 (part1)

just before i forget abt the entire thing i've decided to cease my work (or rather play) and blog it down. together with most of the stuff i've experienced thus far. of course i'll 4get some things.. but i'm of the opinion that if you can forget something entirely, it isn't worth remembering in the 1st place.

just like what i always believe in: no point in looking back and regretting losing friends which you drifted apart from; if it were capable of happening, it wouldn't have justified a true friendship. better late than never.

hmm. went out with family the night b4. had dinner at fajar shopping centre. one of my fave places. the zhi char is really superb for the price. and even w/o the price justification, it's still superb la. haha. it's really rare that my bro tagged along for the evening; he's been busy with his own life for the past year. good conversation as usual. despite us being from different walks of life, we both respect each other's opinions and enjoy sharing stories abt the respective lives the other would never lead.

then went for a spot 0f bowling. since young i've NEVER beaten him consistently - he's really talented athletically despite the little effort he puts in. but oh well it's a different ball game now after i picked up a few lessons a year back. i scored 195, 178, 212, 180, 164; above my usual standard. even so he played admirably and took a game off me and my dad who won 2 games each. heh. yes. i do keep track of my scores for averaging purposes.

then back home to rest. long day tml!

silver. $200.

the title speaks for itself.

yes. IPPT again.

i specially came home from 10-12 lecs just to get my deepheat, painkillers and kneeguard for my IPPT near campus. yes kinda bad planning on my part, but i din realise the importance of the matter until when i started climbing the stairs along the aisle of the LT, the excruciating process of which jarred me into a worried state. i really can't afford to not do well, cos the deadline is like on fri, and i dun have any time to do it the next 2 days, given my 6-8pm lecs. ha.

it was the 1st time i kinda missed having a rm on campus. the convenience. the ease of getting stuff u need. the ready company of accomodating and caring friends. but to everything there's a tradeoff. i do value the life i now lead, for it has proved enjoyable in its own small ways. i have always valued a close-knit family, a few close friends and solitude at times, and i have all the above right now. hall life will remain a fond memory of the past, a process by which i have learnt alot from, and during which i have made friends which may last a lifetime.

2.4km

had a trial run at the SRC today. stepped onto the track with trepidation; haven't run a proper 2.4km since like 2 years plus back. and should i do badly i would still have to attend the IPPT knowing i'm gg to fail. it'd be akin to the feeling of gg into the exam hall hoping u'll pass, somehow. after a deep breath, i walked towards the starting point, grim determination glinting in my steely eyes.

and i started my timer. the 1st rd really reminded me of back then when the entire company begun their run together and i whooshed off at the initial stage. felt superb with the wind running thru my hair, and the rhythm of my steps felt just right. looked at the time after passing the line once: 1:32. the pace i aimed to go for in the past when i was gunning for gold.

but back then i could maintain it for 6 rds. and it wasn't gg to be a fairytale ending today, what with me not having trained proper for years. my next few rds averaged 2mins (for a rough gauge, a silver timing req roughly 1min56sec on average per rd). the last 2 laps in which i gave it quite my all was decent, and i ended up with a commendable timing of.. 11 mins 31 secs.

hey! it's still a silver k. and it's great considering i only spent like a day training for it. but then again it's quite embarassing. even my sec sch timing was like 10.5 mins or smth. ok. deep heat and rest for the next 2 days. wed - the day where i get my $200 monetary incentive for silver. heh. simple! what's with most of my guy friends man. can't even pass with a few wks' of trg in the bag. hahaha!

ok. let's study harder. u can do it.

pre-IPPT

just popped by my cousin's rm and to use e pull-up bar he installed near his door. jumped and hanged on the bar for a few seconds, in anticipation/trepidation of the next few moments. 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! (rest.. but the previous 6 was done at a good frequency continuously so my target of 8 for silver should be met) then 7! 8! .. 9! .... 10! nicely done. and given i haven't touched the pullup bar since ages ago when i meet wormy for supper near our area and he's late, i think it's a commendable achievement! some pple train like forever and they still can't do what i just did. hehhhhh.

ok. lest i get too confident about my chances, time to get realistic about the other events. sit-ups could be an issue - haven't tried any since i left the army. but if i could do 40 in primary sch. doing 36 now shouldn't be too much of a problem. e shuttle-run and standing broad jump may pose an insurmountable obstacle to many, but given that my muscle fibres are naturally inclined towards power-based sports (for more info, read up on short/long twitch muscle fibres) and i always do well in them i doubt they'll pose much trouble.

the 2.4km run. my biggest fear. gave up running, soccer, triathlons and impact-based sports after sustaining a knee ligament injury in the army. and even 3 years later, i experience excruciating pain when i exert my knees too much in a given time period. kept fit mostly through swimming since then, and it's still unknown if i can do well in it like i did back then when i was younger. we'll see. shall do a time trial ard 11am tml at the SRC after lectures. yeah!

starting again

i always like to tell others that my not blogging constitutes a better and more constructive outlook on life, given that most of my entries are often written at times when i'm emotionally down or simply bored with nothing much I wish to perpetrate. however, it does allow me to keep track of the going-ons in my life should i wish to look back in the near future. so here goes. blogging for the purpose of preserving memories.

hmm yesterday. early at the tennis court at 0730, awhile b4 the mtg time w ethel (no-one else wanted to wake up tt early to play). decided to just browse thru my notes since my trg balls were with her and i really had quite a bit to catch up on. subconsciously reduced the distance btw my notes and eyes gradually due to decreasing visibility as time passed. realising the situation after awhile, i looked up in mild annoyance and saw dark clouds looming over the horizon. packed up and ran back to hall - the only exercise i would have for the day.

some time b4 dinner with lalaa (lol!) so attempted studying in et's rm. it was really quite constructive whilst it lasted. then studies were put aside for discussions on random topics (mostly flag or flagger-related) and photo-viewing/commenting on her laptop. ha. thought it was all quite amusing the way she hid my shoes in the shoe cabinet / her opening the door and giving the 'oh no' look when brenda spotted me inside from the corridor and started talking to me. hall rumours can get kinda annoying even if it has little or no truth to it. well. i'm over that alr.

lunch with gimsy,4K and ame (inadvertently) then abit of revision at HSSML. then waited for lalaa at PS since she was late - dun really mind pple being so as long as there's a bookshop / library near the mtg place. so many books i want to read, and so little time to. manhattan fish was gd as usual; but i was kinda sick of the damn fries by the end cos i was eating most of them. ah. then tried e old-sch frozen throne campaign style cos she seemed quite enthusiastic abt it. shouldn't take the loss too personally. otherwise with my competitive nature i'll just end up not studying and reading up the forums for strategies so i'd beat her next time. ok. it's kinda embarassing i know.

IPPT on wed. juz discovered i have to take it b4 my b-day last week and wed's the only time i can do it. most of my guy friends are telling me from personal experience tt i'm gonna fail it cos 3 days ain't enough to train up. but i'm gg to prove them wrong by gg one up and getting a silver. i do keep fit thru regular exercise after all. but ok, i think it'll be one uphill task, given i'm not exactly the athlete i used to be.

sometimes i do wonder if my way of handling personal matters is flawed. i've not done the things i should have, and done things i shouldn't. i do get confused over issues, then try to solve them in a short-term way, which likely causes more confusion and hurt for all parties involved in the long run. i cannot thrive on instant gratification. more patience, more planning, more efforts. less digressing, less wavering, less indifference. maybe i just can't decide on what i really want. i can't just sit on it and hope it'll tide over. it won't. and even if it will, it wouldn't be ideal. i need to take proper action.

my mum casually commented that she hoped that i'd be able to get the allowance for my scholarship next yr as i just did a few days ago. i didn't reply immediately. it's not an option i wish to take if possible, but it seems imminent unless my attitude changes. i need to change.