guy dinner

a dinner with the guys was never gg to be a quiet affair. made our presence all too well-known with the occasional guffaw and loud bawdy laughter amidst our more measured and civilised conversations about our experiences. really feel at ease with this motley bunch i've known since sec sch days. all so different, yet so connected as one.

so our resident hermit john's been quite active in the dating arena. got to know his gal at the CC study rm of all places. apparently she accidentally looked at the reflection of him relieving himself in the toilet when she walked past, apologised when they were alone in the study rm, and things just progressed from there.

holding hands on the 1st date, being constantly together since then. and she's leaving for the US for work-and-travel. despite her requests for them to get together before that, john's refusing to commit himself, telling her that he's not ready yet and to look out for someone better overseas. why, we asked him. it isn't everyday that you find a gal that likes and accepts you for what you are.

his reason: i dun like her as much as the gal whom i used to like alot, and i'm not really motivated to do stuff on her behalf as compared to the former. think it's unfair to her if this goes on. it benefits me definitely but my conscience tells me otherwise. even though i may never find someone who likes me this much.

guess it's a common dilemma for many.

always been the link and quiet listener in the grp, never really imposing myself on the conversation except when i feel like it or when it's required, yet maintaining presence and being the closest to most of them. accepted myself for what i am now. sometimes, i don't entirely like being the passive one, but it's what i really am and there's a need for someone to play my role.

wormy gives the alpha male and players' advice, jieren the cynical view, dan's more into flings so he couldn't offer anything constructive, and me with my typical nice-guy approach, tempered by experience and abit of acquired knowledge. but the common agreement - go with the flow, and dun be hampered by past failures and self-fulfilling prophecies. things will work out (or not) as they happen.

and they just happened to comment that i've changed alot since my sec sch days. alot more involved and less indifferent, and expressing one's views more often and forcefully. wormy was the only one who begged to differ. and with good reason. i had been always like that. it's only that i hadn't warmed up sufficiently with them yet. i never did so readily - not exactly distrust, but acceptance on both sides is the key to most pple like myself being able to open up.

believe i'm the only one left amongst them to not really accept oneself totally yet. still need to improve certain key facets of myself. i know how to, at least. it'll be a tough process but i hope i'll face up to it. i need to. if only for my own sake.

1st day (of hols haha)

today was a v slack day! sighss. cannot everyday like that la. abit the waste time la i feel. woke up at 7 as planned, had b/f, exchanged some smses with someone then felt abit nua cos was lying down whilst doing so. the next thing i knew, i was looking at the clock which said 1210pm! ohnos. cannot..

ah and the pple i usually disturb are either moving out or are flying overseas.. and all my activities only start next week. so decided i shouldn't stay in hall in the noon. went to JE library to check out books. it's been like so long since i could just revel in the joy of reading the stuff i like. then went to the teens section at the top level to peruse thru my mini-stack of books. feel so old! hahas.

then met my dear john and zc for a spot of bowling cum catchup. mainly cos to update them abt the gg ons of the other 2 of our supposedly close-knit 10 yr clique since i always make time such that i keep in close contact with both grps from diff schs during e sch term. haha.

since sec sch days i've always regarded john as the curse - everytime he joins in for bowling or pool sessions somehow i always tend to play alot shittier. no more! hehhh. but it isn't exactly fair nowadays esp since it's one of my my decent areas. all the balls had either too big or too tight holes, i was complaining. but ohwells. i just chose a big-holed 13-pounder and just employed a straight ball technique. no choice mah. din bring my own fingertip-drilled balls - how to throw a hook ball properly liddat!

haha but even tho the strike rate was predictably absymal, i ended up with a very sparable 1 or 2 pin combi which i easily converted every frame. like.. 159 and 175 for the 1st 2 games. was contemplating letting depressed john win the 3rd game and threw just 44 at the halfway point whilst he had ard 70. then he started getting cocky. oh whatever lorz. so i just did my best and beat him with a 126. he really can't complain if he can't even beat a 126 lol. hehh.

butter chicken floss waffle from prima deli. it's really quite good. a must-try. yesss random i know :)

wanted to stay over at john's to watch movies overnight and chat but i was feeling kinda tired and wanted to go home and bond with family. and play with my ham and bacon (hamstersss!). so cute! love them to bitsss.

feels really good to just read my newspapers in little hurry whilst eating supper and drinking ice milo. haha. the simple pleasures of life. so i'm meeting the JC dudes at Lot1 1630 and the entire sec sch gang at 2000 JP. after a nice leisurely (somehow i think it'll be otherwise haha) swim at NTU in the noon whilst tanning and reading my books :)

and tml's my g-ma's b-day i just realised. oh mans. and i already made plans. sighh shall make her a nice card tml and give her a warm hug and birthday wishes b4 i leave for my swim tml. should suffice i hope! ok la. hopefully. hehh. think anything from her fave grandchild would be sufficient but i'm not gg to be complacent here. hahaha.

exams ended!

the entire night before my last paper was a surreal one. at least to myself la. really in a state of relaxed focus throughout. just wanting to learn and understand out of one's own volition and not getting distracted over issues or wishing to indulge in other activities. can't remember that feeling since i stepped out of JC. yes i haven't exactly been in the proper state of academic mind for the past few sems. it's sad to say that. haha.

a small and pleasant surprise, awhile before my paper. realised thus that the unexpected really accentuates the emotions felt. been too predictable all the while. not holding back or taking a small step back at times, nor controlling the urges or timings of actions necessarily.

the paper was surprisingly easy - estimated 80 odd marks. i commented to my physics friends that if pple like me who din come for lecs nor tuts, studied little, din do my own cheatsheet and entered the exam venue late thought it was very do-able, it must have been damn easy indeed. true enough, i think most pple are getting full marks for it. sianssss. to hell with the bell-curve system.

was quite surprised when weilin mentioned alot of stuff i did that i din exactly find worth noticing or din think she'd know, esp since i hadn't spent much time with the group this sem. apparently they still kept up to date with my happenings. and i can't thank them enough for all the help and concern they voluntarily offered me time to time. this sem was really a cui one academics wise, especially for my core mods. ha. was particularly impressed when she asked abt certain matters i kept from most, then i realised why when she said "sheena tells me everything". haha. the world IS a small one indeed.

and i was damn pissed when i went to the pool and there was this 'CLOSED' sign at the entrance. hello, it's not even raining yet. to hell with the weather forecasts. so looking forward to a good swim after 2 weeks of physical inactivity. the sensation of water passing over me is akin to the washing away of my issues and troubles, and the physical exertion calms my turbulent thoughts somewhat. and of course it keeps me healthy and looking good la. haha.

so i just went back to hall, changed and went for a jog. and i realised my thighs have become so gargantuan my shorts keep inching up when i run. irritating! thought back abt when i ran so much a few years back, i sustained a knee ligament injury and could no longer participate in impact sports. this led to me discovering my true passion in swimming and bowling - goes to show.. things do happen for a reason. and they may turn out to be a blessing in disguise. only that u may not see it to be at the moment. so.. dun complain or engage in self-pity, that's the moral of the story.

then took a random nap. haha really enjoy just sleeping despite not feeling like i need to. it's just a cheap thrill i know but can't help but indulge in it. haha.

both my outings were postponed to sat! so had alot more time to slack. went to chat with random pple, then to the gym with insung. i still dun see the point of doing gym regularly. what's so gratifying about those exercises. looking good? keeping fit? i can easily just participate in normal sports which offer much more in terms of team cohesion and coordination improvement and do similarly well, if not better. i understand if it's the means to an end, say, building certain muscle grps for various sports, but in itself? it's just a time-consuming activity for narcissistic people who have nothing better to do yet wish to appear otherwise. ok i realise i'm being quite harsh here. ha.

okies.. just started planning for outings and catch-up sessions. tml shall be cleanup and packing day, de-cluttering of my laptop and looking up on courses and such online. then some family time in the evening. haven't been home for ages! and everyday's exercise day too of course.

alot of stuff to read up on this hols. in prep for my sch attachment, partly. need to get my mathematics fundamentals up to scratch too. should stop avoiding it. sighh and i resolve not to touch any games this hols. especially RPG ones. too time-consuming and absorbing. enjoyable, yet not exactly productive.

okies to sleep alr! tml will be a great day :)

thanks

both of us have exams tml yet u accomodated me for such a much-needed chat. must thank you for that. really needed it. i'm sure the time you spent was time otherwise spent studying and i'm apologetic for it. but the time spent, for me, it means more quality time studying and not thinking abt stuff. now that everything is clearer. sometimes it just takes an observer to point out certain stuff.

me emotional, you said. and to think i prided myself for being rational. haha.

it's helpful to have someone re-confirm your ideas and debunk them if they're absurd. one wouldn't know oneself otherwise. and it really feels reassuring to know someone cares. and who somewhat has gone through the same stage in life.

okies. and hell. i haven't started studying. ohwells at least i had some sleep just now. sighs dun think i can sleep again tonight. jiayous myself! :)

last paper tml!

Government & Politics.

did surprisingly well given it was the paper i studied least for. i could s/u it so it was the sacrificial paper. but regret not putting in more effort in it as the content was that which i would read up in my free time, and reading for an exam is always more productive than for one's leisure. more tangible benefits too.

the first paper in NUS which i wrote non-stop till my fingers ached like hell. given i dun have the habit of writing fillers or nonsense, it's definitely a good sign.

but i din really enjoy not sleeping to study for it. quite a tiring experience. should have been like alvyn and gim and put in regular effort. dunno why deb could still remain so alert and chirpy after the paper despite sleeping even lesser than me. perhaps cos it's her last paper haha.

last one tml and it's a cheatsheet paper. the lecturer is gg to throw predictable qns to copy from the cheatsht again i guess, from test experience. so even tho i dun uds the physics well, should still do fine. ha. feeling kinda slack now. hmm let's perservere on for this last paper!

some things just don't change, do they. haha.

yelloww

whenever i feel too stressed with work, i look at it, read it.

it cheers me up straightaway. tells me to perservere. not to give up.

such a seemingly insignificant note. yet so meaningful to me.

really appreciate the gesture.

even tho it wasn't exactly a spontaneous one. haha.

ok 2 more to go. all the way.

mis-comm

i was reading the latest entry and thinking.. hey looks like referring to me lehz. kinda puzzled cos haven't done anything on purpose to antagonise her. seriously have other more pressing issues on my mind. and it's the exam period. where got so free do this kind of stuff.

hmm then i saw my own latest entry, esp the 1st para, and i realised. sigh. i don't intentionally write it for a purpose. just my feelings at the moment. ignore it or simply not read it, that is your choice. i really don't consider what others may feel when i'm blogging. after all, i'm not blogging to create an impression, more of letting of steam and letting close friends know how i'm getting along and doing.

ok. but i do apologise. i don't intend it that way, nor do i write to prove my point, but others are bound to misintepret. and esp now that i read it myself, it really appears like i'm digging into the past and looking for trouble intentionally. i'm feeling better than i ever had for a long while, in fact content and happy now, having sorted things out, but everyone's privy to a little emotional outburst and reminiscence now and then, right?

miscommunication occurs time to time, esp in the written form.

concern

just as a friend now, but nonetheless it's there. really hope she's doing fine. despite the evidence that she's doing much better than me, in a way i doubt if she's found what she sought. the cycle just seems to go on and on, doesn't it? please. do take your time before making a decision, especially ones as momentous as those.

falling in fast - much unlike myself. falling out fast, yet slow in a certain case - much like myself. for certain matters, only one can resolve it oneself . no amount of advice or help would matter, for in a way, one already knows how to. it's just a matter of mustering the courage to actually carry it out.

wormy told me the other day during our weekly supper: sometimes a book does look good on the shelf, shrink-wrapped. but once you've purchased it and seen it for what it really is, somehow it isn't as desirable as it once was. no, his point wasn't the purchased book, but the shrink-wrapped one on the shelf.

(note: edited use of word 'you' - 6/5)

pri sch class outing!

primary school class outing! haha when manchi invited me to a facebook grp i thought it would just be another grp i would simply join, participate in for a while and grow bored of. afterall so many attempts to meet up have resulted in naught. ha...

but msn-ing with the pple really has been a fun thing - used to spend time during recesses playing catching or soccer, competing to see who could eat the fastest or do the most turns on the spot b4 falling down (lol!), and talking inane crap abt pokemon and ninja turtles. and now we're talking academic stuff, future ambitions and personal issues! 11 years does change pple. but of course. hahahaha.

so we're tentatively gg to meet on the 7th after my last paper. hmm but i'm supposed to go clubbing with the flag pple lehz. ahh dilys dun blame me if i pang say.. i can meet u pple anytimes kies! and i'm sure we all can spend more time together doing karung guni - i just joined flag again as an advisor :)

ahhh my hols this time is really gg to be packed. 1 mth of MOE attachment, a taiwan trip with my dear friends to celebrate our 10 years of friendship (supposedly) and finally i'm gg to brush up on trg - really gg to fight for teamNUS in swimming and bowling next yr. and i shall master guitar so that i can play for someone and go back to xenbar to dance (or rather socialise haha) again. yayyyss hopefully i can achieve everything, and more!

emo blogging

yes i realise i have been going on and on abt negative stuff and i'm sounding oh so emo and all. my life isn't all that sad and depressing actually. sweet acts by wonderful pple lift my mood so very often and life is doing good at the moment. at least i don't have chronic health, family or financial-related issues to deal with.

i'm fortunate enough to only have to deal with myself, my academics, my family and friends and the occasional emotional issue. i can't say it's entirely good too, but why belittle what good one has been blessed with just because of its innate implications?

blogging shows up your immediate, unfiltered emotions for all to see, and therefore doesn't necessary mean things are really that bad. it's impulsive thoughts and feelings without rational justification most times, and shouldn't be taken too seriously. it does, however, show a certain extent of indication of one's thought process, though. there can be no fire without the initial flame.