stressed and down

for no clear reason i'm feeling really down at the moment. going to start school in 2 days and i haven't really prepared the necessary materials, and i feel really inadequate. also v unsure about whether i can handle the kids well, esp since i'm in the discipline comm now - have to set an example.

i guess it's cos i planned to go out w different friends over the thur-fri-sat-sun-mon break and have some exercise whilst preparing my work, and had it all thought out. then it all when awry when i received an sms from dad that my godpa had passed away. which also meant for our religion that i had to expend the next few days at sengkang and help out with the necessary rites.

and it's quite tiring i must say. and upsetting cos i really hate having my plans derailed, and i was really looking forward to meeting up those pple, spending quality time with the gf, and preparing for my work according to schedule.

and tml's the final day of the rites and i have to wake up early to go to sch to settle stuff before gg over at 9-10am. i'm worried that i have not prepared enough material to teach and i will not be able to handle some of my classes. i guess i worry unduly and i'll see for myself when it starts, but well i guess it happens to all.

i'll just have to do my best and look forward to tennis lessons with the gf at 8pm :) then likely an all-nighter before school starts. which is so different from my plan to sleep at latest 1am every night. ohwells, i'll start that next week :) hopefully.

working in sch during the hols

it has been 8-1230 of official working hrs from last week until mid-nov, since the kids have already gone on holiday. i don't really mind preparing for next year's work, since it's something that has to be done eventually, but i'm in such a slack state of mind lately.

all i want to do is meet the gf, do badminton/tennis and and lose myself in the world of FFXIII(PS3). and there's so many books i want to read too. and i really prefer to work from home where my screen is humongous - able to squeeze 2 windows in at the same time, not to mention the very sensitive mouse with hotkeys.

not that i'm gg to stay in sch like this for the next few weeks anyways - have a 3-week NCDCC teacher officer course at HTA. 8-5pm, which effectively prevents me from watching cheap movies and swimming during weekday noons. sigh! stupid course.

the r/s conundrum

i've a close friend who states that he gets sick of things fast, save a certain sport. be it games, friends(to a certain extent), and in particular relationships. he simply gets bored of the aspects of a r/s (gg out, sweet nothings, commitments, etc) after a while, and never really ever misses his other half v terribly.

so i replied that he hasn't really found The One yet, and he's been settling for girls who appear to like him, which i suspect most adult males do as well to a certain extent. then i forgot whether he asked me the same thing in reply, but it set me wondering - am i the same?

one of the rare few times (i think there was only 2) i really terribly missed someone and thought perpetually about the person fondly to the point of silly obsession was during the first 2 years of hall (or even 3 i think). it does feel silly to have someone so always in your mind but it did distract me from other more constructive pursuits.

and i'm essentially a 'self' person as in I like to do my own stuff and meet friends on a whim so i don't totally enjoy being in a r/s for its own sake. but it's essential for the endpoint in marriage tho, which i'm aiming for in the next few years.

the physical aspect of a r/s which appeals to most guys isn't really that essential to me too. i can v well do without it. it's really the chemistry and communication that matters to me, and that, as well as common hobbies is the key to a lasting r/s for me. i need a confidant, activity partner and physical gratification within the GF package. and which is independent and not too clingy.

hard to find right. i know. it's like the ultimate fantasy.

the new life

it's the last week of school and even though i'm still busy with rushing markers' reports and committee work, it's nowhere like the past few mths where i worked from 6am-4pm, ate and napped till abt 8pm, then worked till 2-3am again. sundays included.

admin work is way easier compared to actually teaching on the ground. it's nowhere close actually, the pressure of having to think and react to different, sometimes irrational people (note: teenagers) on the spot.

i should know - i'm doing alot of admin work now, the tabulating of scores, spreadsheets for analysis of data, typing and checking of progress reports, liaising with colleagues to get information for ongoing projects and such.

and i recently got attached too. i totally wasn't expecting it, in fact i was really enjoying my single life (not much due to work tho). but you know, things happen. i know it may seem insensitive given the short time frame in between ending the previous r/s and this, but does there have to be a timeframe in the first place?

i guess a lot of conventions are just that - conventions. one doesn't have to feel imposed or affected by what others think you should behave. i think one's heart really tells you how to act - just follow it and you'll be fine mostly.

was helping (kind of) germ out at the printing machine and i realised to my surprise (ok, not really surprised) that i haven't been exactly going to nice places and taking lots of nice loveydovey photos with the gf unlike the previous one.

i then commented that it's a cycle thing - guys normally do alot for one r/s, then become more lazy and complacent in the next. the situation is exacerbated when the girl appears to just enjoy spending time with you.

i mean, most guys would rather do their own thing - sports, games, books, work, sleeping, watching **** and so on. i don't see any guys (ok, i dun know many romantic guys) who enjoys making stuff for his gf, engaging in activities and going to places that she enjoys but he doesn't really enjoy, or meeting her and her BFFs for meals.

the initial 6 mths or so doesn't count, anyway.

but back to the point. need to start planning more fun/meaningful stuff, as the perpetual excuse that i'm busy doesn't really apply now, or at least after next week. need to fulfil my obligations as a bf, and of course, due to my feelings for her.

the fact that she's slightly older doesn't irk me, but the fact that she's slightly taller and big-boned does at times. but all in all, i feel it's v hard to find a match like this, i was telling my BFs. a girl that suits most of my contradicting criteria and who loves me for who i am.. it's hard to find. i thought i'd never find another one again.

and i very well know that once the bf's been accused of lacking effort, any effort on his part seems unnatural and will not be appreciated as much by the gf, of which may lead to the guy feeling unappreciated for doing more - a vicious cycle. so let's not let it even slide into that, put in more effort!

very busy

recently i've been v v v busy. to the extent that i'm sleeping at 3-4am due to work commitments. ok, i do take a short nap from 6-8pm so i do get sufficient rest but it's really the busy period for teachers.

esp new teachers who have yet to have an arsenal of slides, tests and WSs.

and hmm, i think i may have compounded a mistake i made back then with another mistake that will render the previous one irrevocable. was talking to deb (yes, her! hahaha) during a rare lunch meetup today and she warned me against going with the flow.

i really needed someone to tell me that and she was the perfect candidate to do so. she really does put things across in a non-patronising yet unambiguous manner, which is how essentially to handle most guys i feel.

guys would just advise me to go for it, some female frens would show their explicit disapproval and alienate me towards their words, and some others would simply not know how to give advice on the situation.

after all, it's rare to find someone you can feel comfortable with even after a year or so. there's never a perfect fit, for no 2 people are perfectly alike. i decided that i wasn't v satisfied with the quality of the r/s on impulse back then, and i guess my dumb guy friends gave horrible advice and persuasion pertaining to this. it was my fault tho.

i need to totally reconsider my position, and i may, for the first time, have to renege on a decision i justified so strongly. i need to think things through before i decide on anything, for any decision or lackof on my part will lead to certain repercussions.

but the thing is, i can't really afford to spare much time and effort to think abt it, being busy with work. i shall have to give myself more breathing space and time to think abt it through an action that i will perpetrate tml. i want to do the right thing this time.

working post

as a quick followup to my previous post, yes all is fine and well with my colleague/friend. got a throat inflammation today, and took my very 1st MC since i officially became a teacher - din want to aggravate it on Mon and suffer for the next 4 days.

been less focussed on work the previous 2 weeks, for reasons unlike those post-event. kind of switched the focus of my life from work/students back to myself too excessively, and i felt suddenly motivated to strike a balance between the two today. maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

it's time to get back into top gear for the next month in preparation of the final exams. and i shall look forward to the lull period as a form of motivation! no more procrastination, inefficient working, or pure indifference at times! i know i can do it.

it hurts alot less now, and i've got quite a few to thank for that, in particular the tennis buddy and the bro/cous family combo. i dunno whether they were there so often because they wanted to or because they had to, but either way, their company and presence was really invaluable, in a way no-one can fathom.

shall stay on till 5pm everyday (yes i've been leaving earlier) in school for this week, settling admin matters properly and doing my job to the max, going the extra mile for my students.

later's the 1st match of the new season for Man Utd - at 230am. i wanted to sleep early and wake early but i guess it'll have to wait till after tml. will work till 12, then nap till 2, after which i will mark my papers whilst watching soccer.

ok 3 more hours to go! the lesson overview for the week is done and i feel really clear as to exactly what to do during what lesson, unlike last week where i just decided the day before. haha horrible right! let's start on the answer scheme for C10 TB exercise...

bad start to the long weekend

today's national day and school ends at 10am, after which i had a badminton session with one class and a movie with another, tentatively dinner with a friend. and then it would be 4 days of break ahead.

so today during school i was in high spirits, being less strict than normal and just simply chatting to the students happily as there were no lessons, just class activities and performances.

and after the performance prizes were given out to the best decorated noticeboards which my form class won - imagine how i felt then - totally joyful and smiling constantly. and i guess in this state i was less inhibited than normal.

had earlier heard from a teacher that another class had seemed to copy our class' concept as it looked v similar. and then i saw the co-form of that class along the corridor, of which was my fellow practicum trainee and a trusted friend.

so i commented randomly (as usual) to her that her class seemed to have copied their concept from mine, as a joke of sorts, and i felt weird that she seemed to be less jovial than normal. i moved off to chat to my students after that, not knowing what was to happen next.

on the way to the badminton courts and in higher spirits, 3 random girls from that class confronted me about my words, and i was taken aback (just like those innocent guys when they are accused of something).

it was kind of a total mood-spoiler, as i hadn't meant it that way, and partly cos i felt really hurt that someone i trusted so much could relay such a skewed picture of me to her students.

so i sms-ed her to confirm that she did say that, and the initial reply sounded quite hostile and accusatory, which was rare and somehow set the tone for the ensuing sms-es, in which i veered between explaining and apologising (which i felt compelled to).

basically the conversation was something like this:

Me: did you tell your class that i said this?
Her: didn't you say that just now?
Me: it was a casual comment n you know i din mean it that way. but sry if i implied any illwill.
Her: (describing exactly what i said literally), which part did i get wrong abt your comments?
Me: it was more of a random comment from a friend, not a fellow form-teacher. hope u uds i wasn't really accusing your class of anything.
Her: am i supposed to laugh about that? my class spent the entire noon doing it ytd.

ok at this point i wasn't so much caring what her class would think of me, more about how to manage this so it wouldn't become awkward btw us in the future. i definitely prefer one more friend in the office.

afterall, even though the intent was not wrong, the words were, and i doubt she was in a very good mood to start with. i mean, i'm very easily annoyed by seemingly harmless comments by others and keep grudges thereafter when i was in a horrible mood then. of course others feel the same.

i guess i just have to watch my words in the future, and note that the friend-colleague boundary for others may not be so blurred unlike mine. i don't really behave like a professional colleague when around closer teacher friends and i guess my uninhibitedness with words may cause me trouble at times.

sigh.

hmmm

apparently the cousin had linked me on his blog again, hence exposing me to unwanted visitors on mine.

the kind which derives pleasure from discussing me and my shenanigans with fellow like-minded people, and whom i have no desire to share any bit of my personal life with.

ohwells. i don't really like the current address anyways. shall switch again in the coming days when i think of a nice one.

quotes from inception

some select quotes from the movie:

Cobb: [from trailer] Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.

Eames: [Shows up while Arthur is in a gunfight] You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

Mal: You're waiting for a train; a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't be sure. Yet it doesn't matter - because we'll be together.

Mal: You keep telling yourself what you know. But what do you believe? What do you feel? Cobb: Guilt.

Cobb: I miss you more than I can bear, but we had our time together. I have to let you go.

self-justifying

i've always prided myself for being rational and logical but the exex recently mentioned that i was far from that - that i was really emotional instead. obviously i'm not gg to take her words at face value but now that i think abt it, i'm not really sure of myself now.

utilising self-justifying logic is my way to make me believe in the decisions i make, to make me feel good at having made the right choices, to give myself and others a plausible reason when things don't go right.

it's the end-result of having things not go my way since young, hence the development of such a complex. if i hadn't resorted to this method, i would very well have sunk into depression, being the sensitive and very self-conscious boy i was then.

this time, i must admit i may have treaded wrongly. even i can't know for sure. but ohwells. things come and go, they say; i can only wish the right one comes along once again. time to justify my decision once again to make myself feel less affected.