criteria for a successful relationship

i've been thinking this over, on the train, on the way to work, and even during leisure time. it's such a hassle having to dwell over such seemingly banal matters, and i hope that thru penning it down, the thoughts pertaining to this matter will cease to flow so endlessly.

so here you go, my generic list of must-have criteria:

1. know what you want in a future partner. do you want someone who likes kids? do u want someone who values silence when it is necessary? do you want someone who have similar working hrs such that you can enjoy her company in the evening? do you want someone who speaks and communicates on the same wavelength as you or simply a submissive type who will give in to you when necessary?

2. respect him/her for who she is. i can't stress more about this. if you feel embarassed by the way he/she behaves or talks infront of your friends, i guess this is already a no-go. one should always be proud of his/her other half, no matter in what situation. everyone has their flaws, but they have their strengths too. be appreciative of the latter and more tolerant of the former.

3. enjoy the time spent w him/her. this one looks like a no-brainer, but i think it may not be so very obvious after all. sometimes one party takes the other for granted, the conversation becomes either one-sided or simply lacks.. effort. no effort to generate topics and listen intently to the other party makes for a lousy convo. when it happens, always reflect on yourself instead of simply blaming it on the other party.

4. be with him/her for the right reason. some pple get together due to misconceptions that they have from prev r/s (e.g. it failed cos he was too outspoken, so i'll choose a more quiet one this time round), because they're looking for a stable potential husband/wife or just because the other party was welcoming to their approaches. be with someone cos u can't imagine life w/o them beside you; they should be irreplaceable.

5. understand the need for constant communication. minor quarrels and disputes are acceptable, if both parties are not mature enough to talk issues through in a rational, mature fashion. the ends does justify the means. most problems do not disappear over time, they only exacerbate - it's impt to work them out as they surface, lest they fester into an overwhelming presence that cannot be resolved by anything but a natural conclusion.

well of course there's more to it, but i too have things to do (rather, mark and plan) so i shall stop here. it's enough for today, and i must say, it has been a therapeutic experience penning down my heartfelt thoughts. watch this space.

a little gripe

i know this isn't the post about work that you pple are expecting, but then again it isn' much to blog about. basically i'm in yuhua secondary now, got the ideal classes for this half-year and the ideal form class, likely due to the fact that the timetabling in charge is my mentor and one of those who likely thinks that i'll rise fast in the service.

i haven't been discussing about r/s issues for a long while, and today the topic of discussion is that of differing treatments one party dishes out to the other as compared to his/her close friends of the opposite sex.

my personal view is that when in a r/s, one should always treat the other party better than one's closest friends. afterall, the other party will most likely be the person who spends the rest of your life with you, so why not give him the due appreciation he/she deserves or more tolerance for his (i'll just use 'he' for the rest) every action, good or bad?

in every r/s, there's already many grounds for dispute (more in my next post), so why not prevent this very easily avoidable one? before i respond to any action my gf makes, i always think, would i respond like this to my closer female friends? would i tolerate and simply laugh over her mistakes, and would i give her praise and recognition for positive actions?

i think it's common to praise and tolerate less when in a r/s, but it's important to try to avoid this common pitfall. or at least minimise it by being conscious about it. you chose the other party to share your life with you, so give him more recognition and room for tolerance for his behaviour.

if you dun have the natural tendency to chastise your close friends for occasional lateness, greediness, lack of seriousness, excessive thriftiness, self-centred behaviour, narcissism and associated minor negative behavioural traits, why do it to the person whom you're likely to spend your life with, and arguably is the one you love and treasure the most?

i don't understand it. i can only attribute this to a change in attitude, one that encompasses taking the other party for granted, and wanting him to accomodate/please your every whim, not wishing him to indulge in actions that you find unbefitting of your other half, chastening him whenever he deviates from your Ideal criteria.

afterall, you're not perfect; his lack of disapproval for what he deems is unbefitting behaviour does not constitute acceptance for your every action. he could just be trying to apply the principle of treating the gf better than his female friends, and seeking for a little understanding and reciprocity in return.

i'm alive!

to allay the undue fears of all my beloved readers out there (ok, what's left of you guys anyways), i wish to hereby announce that this author is alive and kicking.

i'm not under any illusions that anyone would periodically follow a blog with NO new entries for hmmm THREE months and still religiously click on the link everyday in hopes of new, interesting posts.

but ohwells, i'll announce my arrival into the arena of blogging again once i get a few more entries up running, the first of it would have to be what i've been up to the past 3 months.

noo obviously i'm not gg to write today as i wish to read my books/manga - when i start something, i'll undoubtedly continue on and it'll hinder my leisure reading.

but i promise i'll log back in again and update about my past escapades and adventures. or the lack of :)

the comment

i had a conversation a few days back with 7 fellow female teachers and no fellow guys (dumb guys took the other table of 4). of which revolved around the fidelity of guys and what they should/should not do in a committed r/s.

obviously i wasn't v comfortable with some of the topics the sisterhood was discussing, and i think heidi/germ found it amusing that i was way less outspoken about my personal beliefs and actually said stuff contrary to what i often say to them. got 2 feminists what; sure must lie abit sometimes one.

they discussed about bfs/husbands not being supposed to meet up with female friends one on one, due to the fact that it may lead to temptation as well as giving the girl the impression that he's available. infact they were adamant that the gf/wife should be there at EVERY meetup and if not, the guy should meet the female friend in a group setting.

obviously i was v against this, even though i totally know where they're coming from. what if you have known the female friend for a damn long time and it's really quite platonic? and what if you knew her as an individual and not from a group setting?

so i infer from what they said that the bf is supposed to CREATE a group in which to meet the female friend even if they knew each other as individuals initially. or arrange for a date in which the gf and the female friend is both free (damn hard when u start working, trust me). or simply lose contact with someone whom u shared great conversations with for many years.

of course i have a strong opinion against this since i meet up with most of my male/female friends individually or in v small grps. except in the case of sports, boardgames, general meetups (flag, nie, uni) which are few and very occasional. so what, i'm supposed to gradually lose contact with most of my friends?

if you know me well you should know i'm not a very big fan of regular group meetups. i generally like the quiet predictability of the conversations and company offered in small meetups. i like the high amount of attention paid to every party. and i like the elimination of extraneous, face-value conversation paid to the other individuals in the group whom you couldn't care less about.

of course there are exceptions, which occur when the sum is bigger than the addition of all participants, where the conversation and company is really better in bigger groups. and i honestly only recall the me/linky/ginny group, the sec sch guys grp and maybe the Flag group.

maybe i'm insecure, maybe i really feel valued and wanted when someone doesn't mind meeting up with me, me alone for a nice chat and a meal, without the added incentive of the presence of a few other individuals. it's the old old inferiority complex at work i guess.

but i digress.

back to the cheating topic, i just feel that the best way to deal with it as a gf/wife is to just voice your expectations and views on the issue once, and thereafter trust the guy. if you have to constantly check on the guy's whereabouts, it really says something about the level of trust in the relationship, as well as the confidence in yourself and him.

and even if you manage to keep a tight leash on him on his after-work activities, what's to stop him from engaging in inappropriate behaviour in the workplace? he's at work, he states.

i know most will disagree with me, but its better to discover the other partners' cheating tendencies (if there are any) before marriage so you can dump the jerk for someone deserving. eventually he'll find ways to circumvent your tight control anyways if he wants to. and most importantly, if you constantly suspect your partner for doing things he isn't, there's a might-as-well tendency to simply do it.

ohwells but i know it's all very idealistic for me to say that. guys and girls will always hold different viewpoints of certain issues and it's important to be able to change / accomodate your actions and views (or at least appear to) to fit the other party's to maintain peace and harmony.

kaypoh again

was casually reading blogs since my school has effectively started its march hols - sports day is on fri later. and yeah i was reading up on that guy again.

even as this is my personal space, i believe one should not comment on things that he/she does not have the whole picture of.

but still, what's damn obvious is this: prevention is always better than cure. he would do well to remember that. if he gets the chance to cure the ailment, that is.

teaching (3rd week ended!)

ok i've been officially teaching classes for 3 weeks now. preparing lesson plans, slides, worksheets, test papers and constantly thinking on the walk to and fro school how best to handle certain students and maximise classroom discipline and efficiency through rules and routines respectively.

yes, i've really gotten into the hang of things, much more smoothly and better than i ever imagined. with more passion and enthusiasm than i ever gave myself credit for. i guess it's something i really love (for now, that is).

seeing the kids' understanding my lessons and enjoying them, being able to engage in short meaningful conversations with them along the corridor and knowing our private talks will go a long way into changing the way they think and act (for some cases), and the feeling that all u're doing is directly benefiting someone u can see.

it's with great pleasure that i say that i'm more than willing to give up my march hols just to go back to school so that i can plan and improve my lessons and prepare better assessments for my students. but of course not the whole week la.

teaching

it's been the 2nd week since i started school in Yuhua Secondary, and i've got to say it's been good thus far. the colleagues, the students (not all) and the helpful senior teachers.

of cos i've had some trying moments and times where i really felt like giving up and succumbing to rest but it's all as expected for a new career.

will give a more detailed update on all the various aspects sometime soon. hmm likely friday noon, cos i'm rushing work till 1am everyday after reaching home at ard 6pm and taking a 2hr break.

it's been very, very tiring. and talking and truly connecting with your students can be mentally draining at times, especially during the occasional lecturing.

for now, in times of trial, i always look to the 3 ideal traits i wish to exhibit, not to others but to myself. professionalism, passion and perserverance. it's served me well so far. and i, for the first time since i signed that contract 4 years back, really feel i'm cut out for the teaching profession.

let's hope things continue the way they are. looking forward to the march hols!

cny

ok this year's CNY was memorable in (just) a few areas:

1. Winning Eleven 2010

2. V-day

3. Abalone Noodles

1 - for those not in the know, WE2010 is a soccer game on the xbox/ps3 and which is the MAIN game for most guys. i have like a hundred games on the xbox360 and yet i spend 50% of my play time on that damn game. which is alot. and i know guys who do the same.

it's quite amusing playing even the com (5star difficulty is alr getting boring), what more human players? this CNY, my usual few challengers had a great time playing the game with me. and happily for my competitive self, they no longer posed a challenge to me. afterall, when i lose once in anything i care about, normally i hide and practice on it till i'm good.

2 - ah v-day. it's my 1st proper one and therefore i made sure it went well. i thought it went fine but i dunno if the gf thought so too. haaaa. anyways i folded roses since the gf commented that the flowers i gave her b4 were attracting insects. so there. and of course a nice card with my fastidiously neat handwriting. hehhh.

3. i went visiting to a rich relative's house on CNY Day 2. the seat covers, cushion covers and even the damn tablecloth was LV, the decor was tasteful and the furniture obviously expensive. i commented to the maid that i was hungry and would appreciate some instant noodles.

and she cooked this up for me:

there was a total of 6/7 gigantic abalone pieces inside, and i heard from mum that she gave me half the can of abalone. so generous right. this bowl of noodles potentially cost like 20 bucks la i think. i look forward to going back again next year.

tearing

is one thing which comes to me, albeit in small amounts, whenever i engage in certain thought patterns or recount certain experiences.

despite my evident ego, sometimes i really do hate myself. the way i handle things, the way i behave, the way i act, or even think. sometimes i really feel hypocritical for commenting on others, when i'm perpetrating something to a similar but lesser extent myself.

but how can you control what you think? logical and rational as i claim to be, sometimes i suspect if it's a front for justifying all the non-desirable behaviour i engage in. and trust me, i can make any of them sound justifiable, even as others may not deign to accept it initially.

that's why two things i consciously have changed gradually over the years is my sense of morality and threshold of "feeling bad over own actions". one is that i no longer see my decisions and actions as black or white, but simply in a gray region of ambiguity. another is that i've learnt not to kick myself too much over certain things i do, as long as it doesn't adversely affect others.

i guess everyone has their own way of handling their flaws such that their detrimental effects on one's life is minimised or even eliminated. it remains to be seen if my choice of solution is right.

similarities

noticed that 2 of my friends had been talking about the same thing. and to no surprise i agreed with their view. eh they're my closer friends what, of cos can't be that dissimilar right. haaaa.

from peilee's blog:

对人敏感，遇到另一个和我一样的人，总觉得不自在，不想输。
就如一山不能藏二虎 。
内心不断地在奋斗着。

i like, totally agree can. all the people i feel inadequate or uncomfortable around are those with similar abilities, personalities or viewpoints but to a higher/more capable extent. dislike would be too strong a word to use tho.

how can you dislike a person for qualities that u possess in abundance of? that would be like hating yourself. which is not a constructive thought btw.

over recent days, i've come to realise that being able to complement and appreciate each other's qualities can be superior to being v similar, esp in the long run. you may wish for someone's company simply because he/she resonates so well with you initially.

but i guess when the novelty wears off and you start being antagonised by the person in a v familiar manner (similar to what you normally do to antagonise pple), or simply engage in a subconscious battle for superiority, a different approach and accomodation has to be taken to allow the interaction to continue amicably.

and i realised i spent way too much time on non-constructive stuff today. must hand in my self-constructed test paper by tml! and a lesson presentation and essay by fri. omg i'm so behind schedule. but it does feel kinda exciting in a way too.

i thrive on it! ah ok, i procrastinate. back to work.