tearing

is one thing which comes to me, albeit in small amounts, whenever i engage in certain thought patterns or recount certain experiences.

despite my evident ego, sometimes i really do hate myself. the way i handle things, the way i behave, the way i act, or even think. sometimes i really feel hypocritical for commenting on others, when i'm perpetrating something to a similar but lesser extent myself.

but how can you control what you think? logical and rational as i claim to be, sometimes i suspect if it's a front for justifying all the non-desirable behaviour i engage in. and trust me, i can make any of them sound justifiable, even as others may not deign to accept it initially.

that's why two things i consciously have changed gradually over the years is my sense of morality and threshold of "feeling bad over own actions". one is that i no longer see my decisions and actions as black or white, but simply in a gray region of ambiguity. another is that i've learnt not to kick myself too much over certain things i do, as long as it doesn't adversely affect others.

i guess everyone has their own way of handling their flaws such that their detrimental effects on one's life is minimised or even eliminated. it remains to be seen if my choice of solution is right.