too little time to contemplate

i've not been spending enough time with myself recently. not just since taiwan, but after exams.

i haven't been packing my unneeded stuff and uncluttering my computer. i haven't been redecorating and tidying up my rm. i haven't been just sitting on my beanbag reading a good book with my ice milo. i haven't been watching soccer at home with my cous, eating supper and discussing the game. i haven't been simply immersing myself in games, drama serials or movies.

i've been gg out with pple who make me happy, who allow me in the process to learn more abt them, abt myself, abt issues, and abt life in general. i've been doing things - entering courses, taking up coaching, doing volunteer work. i've been busy with things i enjoy - tennis, badminton, swimming, bowling, and etc.

in the distant past, i couldn't but indulge in the former. then when equipped with the choice a few yrs back, i told myself that i'd maintain an equal balance of both. but it seems i haven't been doing so. an inbalance does lead to dire consequences at times.

then, i didn't enjoy life much but at least i knew exactly why i did the little i did, and was clear abt the consequences they entailed - i knew who i was, what i aspired to change and become.

now, despite much joy and happiness tt i derive from life and the pple i interact with, i feel a nagging unease, like something's not complete, like all this is self-fabricated, a rose-coloured foil i subconsciously put over my eyes to reassure myself that everything's fine and dandy.

am i already content with the person i've become? i can't. there's still alot i need to change abt myself. alot i need to work on. i cannot give in to complacency, be deluded by the emotions swirling within me, nor the little tangible results that i've achieved thus far.

i need to convince myself that i'm far from the finished product, that i need to be clear abt how and why i go abt certain matters, instead of stumbling along randomly and hoping that everything will produce favourable yields.

but once in a while, i should think it's alright to indulge in some little happiness - i've earned it, i feel. i took the hard path up when some others would achieve it effortlessly, and at the very least i'm proud of the little i've done for myself.